Im sorry, but i realised that if he kissed me, I would kiss him back. Its not that I dont care about you, its about... winning. its such an ugly word, put into these contacts.
It wouldve been so much easier if I wasnt such a mess. This whole thing might not so damn complicated.

I always thought i knew what I wanted. But i dont. I have so much more to learn about what i think is love. Probably not, though. I dont think Ive ever been in love. But then again, maybe I have. Im not lost, but i dont think i know what im doing.

Last night was really weird. I seriously got myself into a mess.
Firdy's fault lah. He just had to try and pick the damn pieces up.

I know that I never really get over anyone. And thats a bad thing.
I think I should start letting go. Foreal.

"I want my lighter back"

"can you shut up?"

"why are you so fucked up ?"

Fuckk off lah you people.

most used line ; i'm used to it.

cos i am.

"did what he did hurt you ?"

"used to it"

I swear to fucking god in fucking heaven.
Ive never been so fucking pissed with you in entire fucking life.
Wtf.
When im fucking smoking, yo make no big deal about it.
When im not fucking smoking, you yell shit at me.
Whatthefuck is that bullshit.

I cant believe you would accuse me when i have been fucking trying to fucking quit.
You know how much that fucking stung ?

I realise now, that you have no trust in me whatsoever. Fine.
I might as well just be what you expect me to be.
Prostitutefuckingjunkie.

Im contemplating going back to the old me.
The fuckyouall me. And i swear to fucking god, it doesnt sound bad at all.


on a different topic now;

you fucking little slutface.
how many times do i have to keep telling you to stay the fuck away.
obviously, you dont listen.
things are different between us now.
theyre never gonna be the same.
apologize all the fuck you want.
im so fucking sick of you and your fakeness.
go fuck him. im over the both of you.
fuckin spastic bitch.

Stop and stare, I think im moving but i go nowhere.

I love how things are going.
I finally feel like things are working out.

Im finally content.
Im using finally too much.
Ahaha.

My beautiful disaster is falling into place.
I havent got much to say.

Keep this up, and i'll be head over heels.

Dann mungkin bila nantiiiiiiiii, kita 'kannnn bertemu lagiiiiiiii.

Im sorry for ever liking you.

This may never stop, tearing up my heart.

.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
dann has a dentist appointment tomorrow. i hope the dentist pulls out his tongue. see, my pm's for him.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
HAHAHAHAH
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
hahahha
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
woooohoo.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
okay so piggboy officially does nt like me.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
like seriously.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
he ws going on abt footie and hw he wished coach trusted him more
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" i feel like im nt good enough, yknw. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" dnt be stupid. coach prolly jst dsnt wanna pressure you. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" no its nt tht. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" well. I think youre good enough mkay. (: dnt do this to yoursellllllff. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
(insert 10minute talk)
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" I feel so gay smsing guys. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
" well. you cld always sms me. "
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
NO RESPONSE. CHANGE OF SUBJECT LIKE A TRAINTRACK
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
CHOO-FUCKING-CHOO.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
these boys dnt deseeeeeeerve us.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
fullfuckingstop.
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
i hate men
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
ergh i swear to fucking christ in fucking heaven
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
even HESSSS a man.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
which i personally think is unfair.
[ naomi ] && should ever we meet on your side of the stereo; says:
he shldve hd a sister.
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
HAHHA
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
I MEANT
.mandaHEARTBREAK. // ruptured arteries._x.♥ says:
I SWEAR TO MOTHER MARY IN HEAVEN.

This is what keeps me sane.

Naomi Paige Hon.

Inga Cottonose Boogermonkey.

I adore youuu.

mandamandamandamandamandamanda is finally content.

ive got my best friend.
ive got my doggie.
and hopefully, ive got you.

I guess this year isnt as bad as i thought it would be.
Im learning new things about myself, cliched as it sounds.
And Im so much more mellowed than i was before.
I still have all this pent up anger, but its bound to disappear soon.
Right ? :S

I miss being in love.
I miss thinking i was in love.
I guess i just miss feeling like i belong to someone.

I found a new husband, RAFFEYY !

Muhammad Al-Araff ZahilShah Bin Mohammad Shah Ismail.
heeeeeeee.

im so fucking used to people hurting me, that it doesnt even hurt half as much as it did before.
When i tell people this, they say i shouldnt be used to it.
But i am.
I cant change the fact that people choose to walk all over me.

When i found out you have a girlfriend, it was like the rug was pulled from under me, and the breath just knocked out of me. And you still choose to deny it.
I honestly dont believe you.
Im tired of trusting people who take advantage of it.
Im sick and tired of being sick and tired.


Someone told me, that i have this air about me, that scares away the good guys.
Which leaves only the assholes.
So now i know why i always end up heartbroken.


Obviously, im as stupid as i always thought i was.
Not academically, but in the worst way possible.

Life.

BOB THE BUILDER !

CAN WE FIX IT ?

BOB THE BUILDER !

NO ITS FUCKED.

absofuckinglutely adofuckingrable.

This is me last year. I miss being this size.

Me and Naomi were looking at this picture, and i swear it depressed me.

I remember when i used to be this size, with the gorgeous prominent features, and bones.

Naomi, time for crash diet ?

Tofuckingtally.

Fuckedyfuckfuck.

I stopped. I knew i did, until now.

I've fallen into old habits.

This is not good.

I swore to myself, never again.

But i swear alot of things.

I dont know what to fucking do.

this has to stop.

It means nothing, if i havent got you.

Im listening to stereophonics - it means nothing, and its killing me.
Ive realized so many things.
I love so damn easily.
I fall in love, with people i know will break me sooner or later.
I give myself up so easily. Just go all out, to love someone. I love to be loved, thats my weakness.
I love to get hurt. Thats my worst weakness.

I push my way into these situations.

I wish i knew what i wanted.
I want him.
I wish it was as easy as that.
I wish i could make you want me.
I wish my life was a fucking fairytale.
Cos i'd know at then end of the day, things would be alright.
I wisah i was fucking heartless.
So i couldnt feel everytime you hurt me.

And to top it all off.
Its your birthday. And your not around to celebrate.
I guess it doesnt make a difference. You wouldnt be able to celebrate if you were.

Imitation is not the best form of flattery.

I'm so sick of having to point out to you, that for a fact you lack creativity.
Its so annoying. The fact that you constantly want to be like me.
I despise it.

I dont care if people wanna go on about how jealous i am.
Im not.

Your trying to live someone else's life. My life.
Its not funny.
It fucking pisses me off.
Or how bout how you tell people the things ive been through, with a slight glitch.
That you went through it.
My fucking ass you did.

and you have the fucking audicity to say that im being fucking paranoid ? what the fuck is that bullshit.i never thought you could be the type. only for you to take advantage of it, and throw it in my face. i dont fucking like it. so thanks a fucking bunch.

Im sick and tired of you, trying to take everything from me.
I know you never win, but the process of the whole thing is so damn frustrating.

I get complaints from other people as well, saying that you are trying to be like them as well.
I swear to god, everytime i look at you now, i want to scream. And stay away from him.

We both know who you are. Dont deny it.
And dont bother asking me, save yourself some embarassment. and besides, im pretty sure your too damn illetrate to know how to use a fucking computer. you cant even work a fucking sharpener.

Dann dilopos says:
i can feel that i sayang u tau

bubu say:

happy valentine's day you.

<3.

Fuckedy fuck fuck and a half.

naomi called when i was at Dato's place.

supposedly, hes dated tija.

and tija says hes is playing 5 girls.

ouch, much.

im so sick of playing second string.

worst of all, i got a Vcomment on myspace, from him.

i saw that i had a message from him in my inbox.

i freaked out.

why do you still have this effect on me.

i keep letting people break my heart.

i realised, i fall more than i think i do.

its so so stupid.

i have nothing to say,

im too scared to say it.

Today wasnt as bad as i anticipated.
Its been fine.
I guess not having my baby, meant that i couldnt receive all those forwarded messages that made me feel crappy about myself for not having a Vdate.
At the end of the day, an hour and 39 minutes left to Vday, you asked me.
And the best part was, you waited for me to be your Vdate. And when you realised i wasnt gonna ask, after my explanation of despising Vday, you asked me.
And then you wrote me a song.
I swear, youre so cliched. But youve still set the bar for best Vdate ever, eventhough we weerent exactly on a date.
Not my dream boy, but at least still one of the objects of my desire, regardless.

I'll never really know how the real heartbreaker spent his Vday.
Cos it wasnt with me.
I intend to keep the depressing details unknown.
Dont tell me what he did if you know.
It wwould kill me, i swear.

I just realised how many Vdates i could have.
But oh well, i guess.. its still just not my thing. (:

To those celebrating, Happy Vday.

I got these from my guy friends. I think it's absolutely adorable.

We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

No matter what you say,

your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.

We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

Don't treat us like crap,

what goes around comes around.

We know you're pretty,

that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.

If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong,

just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.

If you really liked us for us, you would let us think

that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool

We never shave our legs. Get over it.

NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us.

It's just wrong.

Don't make bets about us,

because one of your friends will tell us,

if you don't.

When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

We absolutely do not care about,

The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 degrees,

or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

What does PMS stand for?

We may not be able to pee acurately all of the time,

but at least we can stand up and go pee.

Just cause you think you're always right,

doesn't mean that you don't have to

apologize when you do something "wrong".

You expect us to say and do sweet things for you,

but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while.

We like to know that you love us.

We can't always be spontaneous,

so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,

cause you might just get what you wish for.

Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say".

Never pretend like you are going to break up with us,

and laugh when we believe you.

Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore,

but we like yours better anyway.

Size doesn't matter.

Except to idiots who don't want a relationship.

PMS is not an excuse.

If you want us to put the seat down when we're done,

you should put it up when you're done.

Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was.

That doesn't turn us on.

The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

We know you're not always right,

but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

We don't actually look after good-looking girls.

We prefer neat and presentable girls.

We hate flirts.

When we say we don't understand you,

it simply means you're not thinking the way we are.

We may be flirting around all day but before we go to sleep,

we always think about the girl we truly care about.

When we really like you,

we'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

We go crazy over a girl's smile.

We will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

When a girl says "no", we hear it as "try again tomorrow."

You have to tell us what you really want,

before we get the message clearly.

We love our moms.

We would sacrifice our money for lunch,

just to get you a couple of roses.

We often think about the girl who likes us.

But this doesn't mean that we like her.

You can never understand us,

unless you listen to what we have to say.

If we tell you we love you once in a lifetime.

We mean it.

We can make gossip scatter

through half of the face of the earth

faster than you can.

Girls are our weaknesses.

We're very open about ourselves.

Its good to test us first before you believe us.

But don't let us wait that long.

We hate it when our clothes get dirty.

Even a small dot.

We really admire girls that we like,

even if they're not that pretty.

If we tell you about our problems,

we just need someone to listen to us.

You don't need to give advice.

A usual act that proves that we like you

is when we tease you.

We cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.

We think too much.

Our fantasies are unlimited.

Girls' height doesn't really matter to us,

but her weight does!

We tend to get serious with our relationships,

and become too possessive.

We are more talkative than girls are,

especially when the topic is about girls.

You can truly say that we have good intentions,

If you see us praying sometimes.

If we say you're beautiful, we like you.

We hate girls who overreact.

We love you more than you love us,

if we're serious about our relationship.

I wish i knew all of this before.

but i swear, you lot are so confusing. :S

I just realised tomorrow is Vday.

The exact day i've been dreading since i lost you.

Honestly, i'm waiting for you.

Anyone could ask me to be their Vdate, and all I'd hope for is,

That you'd call me,

And ask me to be your Valentine.

I dont believe in Vday, or Vdates.

But i'd believe in anything for you.

I'd do anything for you.

I've never wanted someone this much.

Please just fucking realise that.

I'm sorry for caring about you.

I'm sorry for wanting you more than i've wanted anyone in my life.

I'm sorry you forgot me so quickly, so easily.

I'm sorry for never doing what you wanted me to.

I'm sorry that you didnt treat me bad.

It wouldve made this whole messy we'reover scene so much easier to take.

I'm sorry for ever unintentionally hurting you.

I'm sorry for missing you as much as i do right now.

I'm sorry for taking you for granted.

I wish i was still speaking to you.

I wish you acknowledged my existence,

even if it's just, "oh, hey."

I know, its my fault.

Though im not sure exactly what i did.

But i hope to god, that it was something worth all of this.

I know, that no matter what,

nothing'll ever be worth what you and me had.

After everything you put me through these past few months,

I'm still head over heels, heart before head,

for you jantungmanis.

I swear to fucking god, i have never not wanted to talk to you more.
Not considering the times you hit me, yelled at me, or walked out.
But i swear, you just fucking topped it.
What the fuck is your problem.
Your never around, and when you are, youre fucking drunk or asleep.
You dont do shit for me, or anyone else.
When youre around all you do is piss mum and every other person off.

Just because you contribute to making a kid, doesnt make you a father.
Regardless of what you think.

You wouldnt have done this if it was anyone else but me.
Its because you take advantage of the things i do.
And the way i act around you.
I've had enough of your bullshit.

One too many mistakes ?
Kiss my fucking ass.
You make no attempt whatsoever to correct what you've done.
Eventhough you know it was fucking wrong.

What if i went out there and did the shit your doing ?
What if i acted exactly the way you did ?
You wouldnt like that, and we both know it.

Stop pretending like you give a shit.
Stop pretending like you come around just to see how we are.
Stop pretending, just stop.
I see right through you.
Why dont you leave ?
Cos i dont want you around.

I keep letting you break my heart, over and over again.
When i shouldnt be allowing you to.
Ive always been told i'm strong.
That ive always known how to protect myself.
But how do you keep hurting me over and over again.
When you're not even talking to me.
How do you keep making me think of you.

Don't you feel anything ?
Or have you really just gotten over it completely ?
Maybe you have.
You could have any girl you wanted, and i could have any guy i wanted.
Silly of me to think, at a point of time, you wanted me.
I still want you, and i know i'm gonna keep wanting you.
You're the new Him.
Youve set the bar.
For four years, it was Lewis.
And everyone knows it didnt end well.
Whatthefuck made me think you would be different.
But i never felt someone care about me so much.
Never been so happy when someone told me they loved me.
You didnt scare me once. With the way i felt about you, or anything.
I was completely comfortable with you.
Telling you how i felt, or introducing you to people i loved.

I kept constantly pushing you out of my mind.
And when i had to talk about it.
It made it so real.

You and me are really over, before we even started.
And i realised that you and me, we're unsaveable.
But i still keep comparing every guy to.. you.
And it hurts them, because i know that its you i want.
No one else.

I need affirmation, i need to know from you.
I wish you'd despised me. Anything but this.
Bitch about me, tell people you hate me.
Just acknowledge the fact that i'm actually alive.
I might as well be dead, cos i obviously am to you.

Hee, hiiii.
Naomi’s still on the way back from Malacca. Has been since 3 something. I guess that’s the pros and cons of the last day of Chinese New Year. Really crappy traffic jams.
But oh well, my internet is out, I'm actually typing this whole thing out in Microsoft word. Depressing innit.
Hahahaha, that’s my life for you, depressing, with a capital D.

I’m still obsessing over All Time Low. They are the shit.And so is Anberlin, and Bloc Party, I know laa, a lil left behind, but I guess its easier to appreciate the music if its not the current craze.
Any however, I’m so over boys. This does not mean I’m gonna start going out with girls, it would’ve been your immediate assumption, I’m sure, considering my history.But no, im not. I guess im just giving up for the time being, why go all out just to get hurt. Catch my drift ?Tonight’s gonna be pretty… interesting.

Idristhehottie is coming, and hopefully not alone, I just LOVE Ameen. Hes so yummy. Yew Wing is coming too ! Luqman, Keith, And god alone knows who else.I just realized its gonna be just me and Naomi dealing with more than 5 guys ! Heee, talk about fun, aye ? (;Saw 4, is the movie we’re gonna be watching, I cannot wait. Omgomgomg. Imagine, very yummy boys and us watching horror movies. The whole night, or almost the whole night I guess.

Honestly, I miss school. I wish I was going to school tomorrow. I guess its true, you learn to warm up to it eventually. And funny enough, the year I sit for PMR is the year I begin to warm up to it, Talk about weird.I cant wait to move.

Ive had enough of living in a house that’s more like a bed and breakfast. People dropping by morning noon and night, im so sick of it. Finally, just us girls. Sounds like a piece of heaven ? You fucking bet.
I do not make people fall in love with me. Suck that, pixie. I’ve been doing loads of thinking lately, and I realize if people are stupid enough to fall in love with me, then they deserve to get their hearts broken. Okay that was a very bad joke, I admit.
But honestly, I’ve been in love ONCE. If that. The other times were all like crazy infatuation, nothing big, just infatuation. I convince myself, that I do love the person, but Im just lying to myself, and him. Im not sure which part is worse.
Sorry, me and my random outbursts.
Naomi, I misssssssss you ! :D
I like gossip girl.
OMG, IMAN ANUAR WATCHES GOSSIP GIRL. Sorry laa babe, I just had to.
yes, that Iman, our famous Iman watches Gossip Girl, and has watched more of it than I have. And she LIKES it. hilarious.

Anyways, Streamyx sucks. But I know why the server is always down. Cos streamyx is overused. Streamyx sells way over its quota. Thus, having to cater to way more than its supposed to. Fucked up ? Yea, your telling me.

I realized, im still holding on to that little bit of you and me. We had something so fantastic, and I think you’re the only person I ever truly loved. Funny thing is, I never really met you. But I guess, we had something that went way past the physical. I adored what we had for ages. Staying up till wee hours in the morning, so we both made sure we fell asleep talking to each other, and we’d both wake up with text messages from each other the next morning. I never really had something like that with anyone else, ever. You and me, we had something that I could never do justice with words. And I haven’t really let go of you. There’s always gonna be that hope, that whenever my phone rings, or I get a text message, or even an IM, its you, telling me you love me too. But then again, my life’s not a movie[sadly]. But its best not to dwell on the subject, save us some heartache at least. For now, im just gonna keep biting my lips, and refraining from what I know you want to say too. Theres always gonna be that.. knowing between us, I know you feel it too, that air that we both will never get over each other, regardless who we’re going out with. I know for a fact, that there’s a part of me still waiting for you. Stupid, I know, but maybe its you.. who make people fall in love with you. Someone once told me, “Everyone falls for him at one point of time, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”I didn’t fall your you, I crashed into you. And im still trailing behind you. Regretfully, for not taking my chance with you before. I guess I’m waiting for the next time you love me.

i realised, i have nothing.

Everything around me is crumbling, its my fault, i know. but i cant stop it. i dont know how.I hate this. I know ive said this a million fucking times, but i'm a fucking monster.Im so so scared of the things i do.

Im a horrible sister.

Every little thing you do, i want to lash out at you. Something that doesnt involve me, i involve myself. Throw shit in your face. Ive seen you look away, to hide the fleeting looks of hurt, then you turn around, and throw something in my face. Just to hide how you really feel.Im sorry. I love you. But i dont know how.

Im a horrible person.

People should hate me. People do hate me. I throw everything someone does back in their face. No matter how sorry they are. 'The best defence is an offence'I wish i wasnt so fucking defensive.

Sobbing myself breathless, i realised i cant do this anymore.I want to strip myself and throw myself into fire.Ive been so stupid. In everything i do.I cant face myself anymore.Everything i have fucked up, and now i have nothing.Im so sick of shit happening to me.And whats worse, im fighting this alone.I pushed everyone willing to care about me or listen, away.Ive taken advantage of everyone, of everything.And im left fighting this war against myself, alone.I finally know what it's like to have nothing going for me.To have no one love me the way i want, to have nothing.Its like im among nothing but still life. And im getting tired of fighting.

So here i am, listening to switchfoot, RJA, airdate, dashboard confessionals, and every band that made me cry before.
What have i been doing with myself ?

I adored today with you.
I spent almost the whole afternoon with him. Just standing around, and talking, and he was playing with my hair. And
touching my cheek. While he was working.He stops today. Its his last day. And he just stands there, with the iknowiwantyoubutpleaseshowmeyouwantmetoo look. And he kept staring at me, i guess wondering what was going through my head. I was so scared to look him in the eyes. But i did, sending shivers down my spine. he was playing with my fingers the whole time.
Why didnt this happen to me months ago. Why didnt he happen to me months ago ?
I wish i knew what i wanted ages ago. I wish i realised how complicated things were getting for me. I didnt know him leaving would affect me this much. I know, its not far, just a different state.
I guess i never truly realised how much i liked him.

Hi. I hate men.
Like seriously, who do they think they are to treat people the way they do ?
Okay maybe its not people, its just me.

I was thinking about it last night, and i had this really stupid pointless epiphany that i would've lived longer and happier without. I'm the reasons my relationships fuck up.
Honestly, i think its me.I would've had so many potential relationships.and i realised i fucked them up in one way or another.whether it was something i said, that started a fight, or maybe how i take advantage of the fact that they'll always be there for me to fall back on. i knew sooner or later they'd get sick of it, i just hoped it was always later.And I've said this so many fucking times, i know, but i just don't know how to deal with this. how all that hate just keeps pouring into me, and theres no exit. And i just don't know how to stop.All the while, i succumbed to my shortcomings and human frailties, when i shouldve just said NO.Enough is never enough for me. I just keep asking for more. Heartbreak after heartbreak and i never learn not to love sweet talk. But i never learn. How many times have i been through this ? I wouldn't have enough fingers and toes to count.Things haven't been looking up lately, Ive been in the same wreck for a very long time.People keep trying to convince me, that its not my fault. But i know better, somehow.i guess its cos i hardly ever know what i want. and that's not exactly a good thing. I wish i could be like those girls who know exactly what they want, get it and stick with it for AGES. but i could never be like that. makes me wonder if I'll ever even get married. and honestly that's a very scary thought. i wanna be married.I need affection, and I'm getting none. And its my fault. Im honestly geting used to it now.I despise this.

I need to rip apart my heart, rip apart my veins, and search under my skin for this hate generator. Cos its killing me.

i know an update is well due. i know its been like ive disappeared.and i think, amidst all the chaos, apart of me did die.Ive missed blogging.Ive just been so busy lately.. school and whatnot.theres nothing new with me. not much anyway.its weird, cos i felt like i had so much to tell you, but i sit here, blank.oh yes. me and Lewis, we're over. and honestly, instead of filling the blanks, he made more.i don't miss him, and I'm beginning to wonder if i ever loved him. i dont think i did, i think i loved the idea of loving someone, something.things don't feel different at all, and i cant help but think that we didn't really have anything special. and to tell you the truth, i cant be bothered with him anymore, i know that's not how its supposed to be, but i never realised how... fake he is. but, live and let live right.

Ive been going through a bit much lately, like these 'friends' who are constantly bitching about what a slut i am. honestly, i don't care, but seriously, you keep going on about how we girls [cos you cant exactly be called girls, even though you are] shouldn't bitch about each other, and there you are being such a huge ass hypocrite. Ive had enough of people like you, that's why I'm not gonna bother with you. its my perogative if i want to fuck, drink, smoke up, shoot up, its not your life, its not affecting you. so why the fuck should you have the goddamn right to go around telling people shit. you don't, you just have nothing better to talk about, cos you are all so fucking skin deep.Ive been having alot of these random outbursts lately. I'm not gonna take back the things i say, though. cos i mean each and every word.on a brighter note, i realise I'm way better off without you pulling me under. instead of trying to help, all you're doing is drowning me. so much for life support huh. (:

i think Ive had too many epiphanies this month, way more than i needed, some painful, and some pretty damn healthy. Ive made a few smart decisions. note i said a few. many of you know that I'm not exactly one of the logic, no. I'm more of spur of the moment, instinct dependant. but it comes in handy sometimes. i have better judge of character now, and I'm cautious of who i let near me. cos we all know how that worked out the last time i tried that.in a way, I'm beginning to realise that i need to start protecting myself every once in awhile instead of protecting others. cos that's what Ive been doing, i guess. but i cant say much, as I'm not exactly sure of which way I'm headed.honestly, I'm very very proud of myself. more than Ive ever been. even though every direction i take is headed a for a meltdown or a beautiful disaster.but i can deal with those now, and i know exactly how, i don't have to rant, vent or whatever, i just need to sort it out with myself first. I'm fixing things, and at the same time, I'm fixing myself. and it feels pretty damn good.but Naomi is always the first person to know, anything at all. and it feels good to be able to unload with her, cos i know she gets it, so shes fixing me too.

on the topic of music, Ive found my new obsession, ALL TIME LOW. i realised i used to listen to them before, but i decided to randomly jump into some fools myspace profile, and i rediscovered them, and I'm currently playing "remembering Sunday" over and over again.i finally made my new years resolutions, and i realised its gonna be super super hard to stick to them. but i guess ill pull through, with the willpower [which i don't have] and all that. i guess ill go searching under some couches. for the time being, I'm fine the way i am, no need for your help. cos i honestly don't think i need any.maybe i will post my resolutions up. its not much though.

New Years Resolutions.
1. NO hooking up with guys before we're official.
2. Stop smoking. cold turkey.
3. Choose better people to associate myself with.
4. Make better decisions.
5. Give out more love than I'm taking in.

I guess that's all Ive figured out, so far. I'm sure theres more to come soon. Theres alot of things i wouldn't change actually, but some i would. I guess people deserve that much.Ive actually written my Solo Acting Script for the SEA Forensics, which i wont be taking part in this year, cos I'm still pretty messy and ditsy. But i plan on taking part next year. So don't worry, you'll see me in action [this is not an invitation, PLEASE don't come. :D]I have nothing much to say for now, and besides, food is waiting for me outside calling my name very seductively. Well, there are people out there too.I just dont get why people treat my house like a bed and brekkie.OHMYGOD. I just realised i have pretty big news, we're moving out soon !Wannaa know where im moving to ?! ASK ME BITCHES !But, ive prolly already told half the damn world.Im getting Naomi and Pixie to come in and be the first to put their handprints on the wall.Dont be jealous, [but it IS cos i like them more. heehee] But its also cos theyre helping me move in and design my room, see.But i really should go now, its time feeding time at the zoo.

I decided, i needed to cut lose from last year, and the year before.

Just forget about wo i was, and what i was.

Especially some of the people.

This is a step.

Naomi is the only person who knows about the whole change.

I never imagined me, deleting my blog. But then i realised, it was polluted with bad memories, and naivity. Stupid little two face bitches, constantcheatingboyfriends, heartbreakers.

There were pictures of them, year logn posts about them.

And its all gone, and i dont feel the least bit bad.

I'm finally making headway on erasing bits and pieces of my past that i despise.