Listening to the saddest songs written doesnt exactly help much.
I miss bitchinia.
I miss araff.

Naomi just left, and the minute she said her mum was here, i felt this panic attack. Im terrified of being alone now. Ive spent the last couple of days with naomi, back and forth my place to hers, and now im actually alone.
I dont talk to anyone anymore, except for naomi and michelle.
It feels so weird not having to talk to, especially at night. Cos me and michelle used to lie in bed and talk till 4 in the morning about everything, and i really miss that.
Ive been so exhausted lastely, im in way over my head.
Im shivering and the airconds off.
I know i make things seem for dramatic than they really are with my choice of words, and the way i put my sentences together, but i honestly feel this way at the time.
Right now, im sitting infront of my computer screen, with this empty feeling in the bottom of my stomach, just eating away at me.
People say; god wont give you anything you cant handle, but why do i have this feeling that i cant handle anything anymore.
I feel like dropping everything im doing, not finish what ive started, pick naomi and michelle up and just driving to the sun.
But thats not going to happen, because i just feel like curling up in my blankie and sobbing myself to sleep, which has become of course another daily routine.

I realised that people look at me with disgust in their eyes, but no matter what, theres always that tell about them, which i see in their eyes, wishing the could express themselves the way i do.
But their too busy worrying how the eye of society perceives them, forgetting to realise that if you live for someone, you still die alone.
In that sense, we are all just the same as the scum of society. Secretly everyone just wants to break out from the chains that they locked around themselves, and just not give a shit anymore.
And thats exactly what ive done.
Ive cut myself loose of those puppet strings that i used to think kept me held together, but actually just tangled me up more.

Right now, all im looking for an escape. No flashing lights, no sirens, no big red light screaming ESCAPE. Just somewhere quiet, where i dont know anyone and nobody knows me.
Just to run off somewhere and jump on a train and not know where im going, and just not care.
Thats the most romantic idea i can think of.
The scene from casablanca, where humphrey boggart jumps onto the train in the rain with nothing but the clothes on his back and a briefcase.

And i need to shift and shed for one last time, before i know who i really am.