mm, hey.
Expect a very very very messy update.
I'm not supposed to be onliiiiiine.
Firstly, i would like to apologize for my absence.


So i had this weird dream last night, I don’t remember much of it, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night in tears. Yea, I know. Its been ages since ive had a dream like that. I just cant remember what the damn dream was about. I just remember that James Lafferty and Chad Micheal Murray were in it. But I think, in my dream, they were their roles in One Tree Hill.

I was dating Lucas, and Nathan was in love with me (Yes, im fulla shit). So, I was at their house or something, and then Nathan kissed me. Lucas didn’t know. Then I think we baked cookies.Then , I remember seeing someone there. Causing heartache everywhere he stepped. I don’t know who he was. But I have an idea.

The point is, I haven’t had a dream like this. And there are just blank parts in this dream, that I cant even remember the slightest bit of. Almost as if I passed out in my dream, if that’s even possible. I keep trying to think and remember, but I just cant. It might just come back to me, or not.

Anywhoo, I’m back from penang. Ugh, I hate that place with a passion. The hotel we stayed at, wasn’t bad though. It was actually pretty. Minus the fact that it feels like youre in confinement, seeing as the only way out is the door, there are no windows. At all. Depressing, much ? But Coffee Bean is attached to the hotel, so I had my daily fixes of Sunrises. Mm, I love that stuff. Uncle Lenny’s thing wasn’t too bad I guess. I actually got pretty bored. Without Aly and Kieran, I had no one to talk to. I had Sa and Jeremy, but they had each other, pretty damn depressing. Whatevs, though. Had a few glasses of wine. I don’t dig red wine though. Ick. Got myself a gorgeous pair of shoes there. I think I might just go to penang to shop. The ish there is deeevine.

Got a call from Naomi.And her exboyf is the biggest dick on the face of the universe. Sorry man, but you really gotta grow up, you cant have everything your way. Got really pissed off at him, but do you really blame me ? I don’t think, I have had less respect for any other human being.

But that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Oh, during breakfast at the hotel in penang, I got pretty upset, cos everyone was being bitches. And I wasn’t having the best morning. Im no morning person, trust me. So I was feeling pretty cranky and the way they were going wasn’t exactly helping. Didn’t eat and headed to the room. While I was gone, mummy asked sa, “Is it because of the Araff fella ?” When Sa texted me and told me, I almost died. Like, how does she know ? I never told her about him, partly cos it hurt so much. She knew about the whole Lewis situation, and about the badbreakup. But I never breathed a word to her about Araff. Hell, I didn’t even tell Sasa. Scary shizz, my mumma.

I didn’t tell mum why I was so upset. Then, while we were watching TV lastnight, after the long drive, she asked me.

“Why were you so upset ?”

“Nah, nothing. Just that the minute Dy saw me, all he did was bitch, and mama too. It didn’t help that Melissa was being a bitch either.”

“So its not boyfriend trouble ?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t want one for the time being. Too much hurt.”

“But you did have one. Araff. Recently. I know youre still hurting.”

“Gah ? How did you know ? I didn’t tell anyone about him. Well, except for Naomi and a few other hundred people.”

“I know these things, I'm a mother. Its my job to know. I know these things, I just don’t say anything, in hope that you will come to me yourself. You two were at it for awhile. About 5 or 6 months, right ? You were happiest through that period. I could tell. The way your eyes shone, how you laughed. It was nice to see you so happy for awhile. But then, that day, when Naomi came over. There were some Chinese boys downstairs by the pool, all smoking, and after that, I never saw you sadder. Its like something inside you broke.”

“Er yea. He made me really happy. He still does. I don’t know, its gonna be pretty hard to get over him. I mean, he was the first boy, I was ever serious about. Me and Lewis, destined for heartbreak. But it was real with Araff. I felt really good about it, you know ? That day, Jason said some shit, which I’m convinced is all lies now. It just really hurt, to hear the stuff he said.”

“So tell me about Araff.”

“He's 16. Theres so much to say about him. I dont even know where to begin.”

“So, whats the story with the two of you now ?”

“It ended, kinda. Before it really started. 6 months is a really long time for me. We’re friends now. I’m still trying to work my hurt around that, but its working for now. I’d rather have him as my friend, than nothing at all, you know ?”

“Yea. But youre still young. He was lucky to have you for that 5 months.”

“Nah mom, I was luckier. He was one of a kind. Always will be. Night mom. Love you.”


And then the conversation was over. Maybe the dream was brought on because of this. But it felt good to tell her. To actually talk to her about it. Its been slowly killing me inside, and I felt it, really bad. But knowing mummy supports whatever I do, is a good feeling. And I hope it stays that way.

Yea, so I know this guy. His name is Azz (No crude comments please. Ive made fun of his name by myself too. Teehee). And hes really into me, but its not a mutual feeling. And he called me, and sang to me. It was kinda sad. But it was a nice gesture. I guess. So I was nice to him, but not crossing the line, no flirting, nothing. Just as friends. But he didn’t get the hint. So I had to tell him, he thought I was in love with him too. He called me in the middle of night, at like 3 in the freakin morning, and I sleep like a log, and if anyone wakes me up, they’ll get the yelling of their life. And that’s what I did, I told him I wanted to sleep, and I told him to fuck the hell off. Not realizing it was him, seeing as I was half asleep.

Then he texted me while I was in penang. Telling me he loves me, and how sorry he was.

So I said,

“I’m sorry. But I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m still getting over my ex.”

“If ex you menorah hati you dengan pisau, you masih mencintai dia ?”

“Listen, you kene faham jugak. I sayang you, tetapi setakat kawan sahaja. I tak berapa kenal you pon. Tolong faham, okay."

“Okay. I faham. Hati I da hancur, I harap you takkan rasa macam mana hancurnya hati I suatu hari nanti. Pedih dan sakit. Thanks.. my heart belongs to you, but you squeeze it, I feel it.”

“Im sorry azz, tapi I da cakap, kite tak brapa kenal, you tak mencintai I. Its impossible.”

“Memang kita tak berapa kenal, but I can feel kemesraan and I always understanding you. When I praying, I always pray for you. Did your ex do that ? Adakah you yang kene suruh die doakan you, then baru dia nak buat ? Patutnya atas kesedaran diri sendiri ! You tak nampak lagi ke ? Don’t be blind because of cinta lama you. Cinta sejati hanya dating sekali ? You adalah inspirasi saya, Amanda. You buat I alive. Adakah ex you penah cakap sume macam ni ? Apa yang kurang pada I ?”

“You, tolonglah sikit. You cakap you faham I, tapi tak langsung. Terima kasih sajalah. I da bape banyak kali cite ngan you, tapi you masih tak faham. Takpe la. Sukati you. Bye.”

“Kay. Just wanna let you know, I takkan lama lagi. I hope you understand. I selama ni bukan saja memahami you melalui pergaulan kita, malah melalui sahabat I, iaitu sahabat you juga. I takkan lama, untuk melihat senyuman you lagi."

"Dont kill yourself okay ? xxx"


I know it was a mean thing for me to do, but I just got so irritated. You cant force someone to be with you, or love you. Or ever care for that matter. I just don’t get it. Men either lack commitment, or have to much of it. Whats the deal ?

And keep in mind, ive met this guy twice in my life. Don’t bother telling me that I’m a bitch, I know this. And I don’t care anymore. I personally would rather hurt in the beginning, instead of falling head over heels, and being strung along. This is going to hurt much less. And I’m trying this new thing, where I don’t break hearts, by letting them think they stand a chance. This is the beginning. Im sorry, azz. I am, but its not you I want. :/

Otherwise,

So things have been pretty good lately. Minus the fact that I have trials on my birthday, Im completely broke, I’m lacking sleep, and I might be single for the rest of the year; I, Amanda Rachel, am the happiest person alive. Piece together the points yourself, I cant be arsed.

I, for the millionth and tenth time, am announcing my official start of MANOREXIC-ism. I know, by next week, you would think I would have renounced it. But you, my friends, are terribly wrong. This time, its foreal, foreal. I’m attempting to stay clear of men, till ’09. Hopefully.

I know, I could have my pick of a guy. And this is not me going on some egotrip, or me trying to console myself. But I, used to juggle boys on a daily basis. And trust me, I am not just saying this. I could give you a whole explanation, but honestly speaking, you lot don’t deserve it. I do not need to justify myself to you. Regardless of what you say or think. I don’t owe you anything.

Naomi says, she has never seen me go longer than a month without a boy. And so far, its been over three. Naomi says, she has never seen me turn down as many guys as I have in the past few months. Everyone, agrees. Heartbreak#2, helped me grow up. I, am honestly not interested anymore. Its gonna be awhile before someone breaks the bar again. Right now, everyone seems like a complete waste of time.

I still carry the hurt around, and I will, for a long time. I can always tell. But its okay. I’ve still got those glimmers of hope, and maybe that’s enough for now. Love, hope and regret, are enough to get me through the day. This, is what real life feels like. Opposed to the slaponafakesmile, and pretend everythings fine, its just not something I can do. Im stronger than that. This, I know.

I, have enough to be happy about. I’ve got enough people to love, and people who love me back. Sometimes, it still feels like its lacking something. No, wait, scratch that. Sometimes, I know, its lacking someone. But it’s a feeling I welcome, I don’t wanna be numb.
Almost everyday, I retreat to that little world inside my head, where I heal. And for the first few hours of the day, I know I am safe.

So, talking about religion in school today. Okay, a heated discussion. I, for one, believe that there is only one god. But which one ? If we were all one religion, do you think we’d be facing half the problems we face today ? Maybe the whole IraqAmerica war isn’t about religion, but it sure as hell is the base of it.
I, am not saying that anybody’s religion is superior. Yes, each religion has their own beliefs. But the beliefs of every other religion are pretty damn similar compared amongst each other. The only difference is, there are so many different gods. What if there is only one ? Religion, is seemingly becoming a boundary.
I would like so much to believe. Just like every other person, i would love to put my faith in something unreal. Sometimes, everyone needs some hope. Today, is the day for me. I used to believe that people put their faith in god and they believe in god, because there is no hope left in the reality of today's world. So they put every ounce of belief left in them, in something they hope wont disappoint them. That, is the whole point of believing, no ? To blindly put every little bit of you into something, and hope it doesn't blow up in your face. The mere thought of something unreal saving us, sounds comforting, opposed to the everyday cliche, of us being stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
We, or atleast I, will not say that our downfalls are inevitable. If there was a god, why is there always so much pain ? All this mass destruction, the ruining of the earth. I, refuse to believe that this is all part of a great big plan. Because if it was, what about the people who arent here to witness it ?
I know i may get arrested for this, but from what i hear, we're a free country. And i, am just exercising my rights.

&& and i wish you could see me now,
holding my heart in my hands.
oh baby, cant you tell, cant you tell ?