Today, I've been running a lil deep. Maybe cos of the rain, but still, it's very welcomed.

I realised today that writing is my only vice. Everyday, I'm working on something new, be it another vent session, or just a way to get rid of all the meshed up emotions running through my sickly veins.
I never really took the time to really sort what I'd been going through, having this insane tendency of chucking anything that affects me out of sight, or just stuffing it into the little black box in the back of my mind. Conflicting as it sounds, it used to work for me.
But then, every morning I'd wake up, and realise that it was piling ten times heavier on top of me. But again, I'd brush it off as just another one of those days. My tendency of throwing something away undone, is almost scary as I think it may affect me in years to come.
You may see me as your everyday overdramaticteen, but honestly, everything runs much deeper than I let on. I just don't see the point in ruining someone else's day, over this thing that's got nothing to do with them. So I choose to deal with it myself. People have told me that I'm antisocial cos of it, but no. I just choose to deal with things on my own, even if it stings like a mutha.
Nobody ever realises that we are so fragile, and we could break at any time. A persons ability to deal with something, is always different from anothers. As per usual, the norms of society have scarred us, and made us cynical.
I, have always been the type to take everything I had for granted, refusing to believe that in a mere second everything could fall apart. We take so much for granted, ceasing to realise that because of our ignorance, and indifference to the things that go on around us, could break everything down, in less than a second it took to build up.
Nowadays, I have more bad days than good. And when a good day comes along, I try my hardest to not let it slip away, as I have so many times before. But evidently, though unfortunately, a day comes to an end, it's inevitable, regardless of how much I think another will come along. After those 24hours, it becomes apart of yesterday. Sinking back to the usual everyday routines, of slaving yourself to modern society, forgetting that eventhough the day before might not have been perfect, it was the closest thing to it.
The things I think about in those last seconds of my day, before my eyes flutter closed, are either the best or worst thing to happen my whole day. Considering the things I've done, even the ones I'm not proud of, is a task too heavy sometimes. Forgetting to even consider what used to make me happy. I know I may sound selfish and selfobsessed, but at the end of the day, I now that once in awhile I deserve a lil happiness.
Now and again, I think back, and realise how much I need something to make my life meaningful. I need something, or someone, to step into my life, or step up, to help me realise that one day, whatever it is will magically appear and bring back all that meaning into my currently deadend life. If you asked me where I see myself in 20years, today, I'd probably say that I have no idea. Cos right now, I'm stuck searching for that little piece of hope, that'll restore my belief. And at the rate I'm going, I'm going to be stuck here for a long time. Cos everything that I've been through, has made me skeptical. All the bad things I've done, I know are going to bite me in the ass real hard one day soon, eventhough people keep telling me that it's all apart of the things we go through as we grow into ourselves. I keep trying and pull myself up a step, without realising that the higher I climb, the harder I'll fall.
I'm tired of always having to justify myself, and telling myself that this is exactly how it's supposed to be. But it doesn't mean I'll ever stop. The eye of society has perceived me in many ways, more than half of those perceptions I am not proud of. I know for a fact that I'll never be able to alter that, no matter how hard I try. But it stopped meaning anything to me, after I realised that for a little while, I was pretty happy. But all of that fades after awhile, encouraging me to keep searching.
Sometimes, I feel it's not worth the pain and heartache that occurs along the way, even considering building up that wall that will always keep the world at arm's length. But then when I think about it, nothing means more to me than filling that void, that grows bigger everyday.
But everyday, though I refuse to admit, this little bit of hope vanishes somewhere inside me. Sometimes, before I fall asleep, the last thing I hear myself think is that I'm gonna wake up to nothing, all over again.
But I refuse to give in to my childish thoughts, shedding apart of me every single day, in hope that it's a good thing, and the best I've done, since the day before. I know I'm practically killing myself, trying to figure out just what genuine happiness is.
For now, the only thing I know how to do is express myself in words. Ol' school black and white. My only vice, saving me from the stupid things a girl like me shouldn't even be considering doing. Let alone know about.
Believing that eventhough I may not be able to help myself, I may help someone else who has no idea how to deal with all this shit.
Thinking about all those people I needed then, none of them, even tried to climb over that wall. I'm starting to doubt that those kind of people even exist.
I almost always succumb to my human frailties, making me far from perfect. But as of now, it doesn't matter anymore.

;; don't forget the violence.