Am totally failing math, and history, possibly geography too.
Which isnt good, considering this is my trials.

I think i have the world's worst english teacher, in the history of teachers.
Like, no shit.
She was reading from this passage thingie;
"Nigel mourned his fathers death." Was the sentence.
What she said was,
"Niggerl moaned his fathers death."

I almost, fell off my chair.
She is by far, the stupidest fucking piece of shit i know.

She set the trial papers right, and gave two answers for each question, then she blabs about how its a trick question, and marked me wrong.
I actually did research, and i was right, Goddammit, i could teach her fucking english.

And you, you still think that hes the one you should trust ?
Okay then, go ahead. Its not my heart on the line anymore, its yours.

I'm finally convinced that everyone who walks around me, is less than human and completely heartless.
Its like, they have this gaping hole, right through their chest.

Or is that just me ?

Denial. Something we're all so guilty of.
Its funny how we always push away what we know is real, something we know can be stopped, for something less than logical, something surreal. Maybe we all love to fantasize, about the whatifs and maybes that we didnt have the chance to experience, but we just dont know when to draw the line.How we know that something, lifechanging maybe, is going to happen, no matter what or how we try to stop it, and how that specific someone, is going to move on, with or without you. How we push all these thoughts to the deepest part of our minds, burying them, and telling ourselves everythings gonna be okay, when we can make out, sometimes barely audible, that sinking feeling in our gut, screaming, so much so that it fucking rings in our ears, telling us how not okay things are going to be. How we go on with our daily lives, pretending to be unaffected, sooner or later, sooner than we'd like actually, we break down with realization and exhaustion, to the fact that we knew this way coming. Then our world, the one we've built on denial and lies we tell ourselves each and every fucking day, comes crashing down on our heads. And it burns so bad in our chests, that somewhere down the line, we realized, that this was coming, and it was inevitable. And its so fucking scary to think, that in our state of denial, we didn't even realise how everyfuckingthing was just disappearing,when we couldve done something to stop it.
Sometimes, we get so used to putting up this fake front, denial becomes as much as an addiction as ciggarettes, and coke.Its the only thing we know how to do, how to think. It gets so bad, that even when you wanna break down, and strip of what youve become, you cant even fucking do that, because you just dont know how. It gets so bad, you forget whats real and whats not, confused between the world you created, and the real world. Sometimes, you cant even tell the difference between whats you.. and what isnt. Now, when we have those last few hours, minutes, to turn everything around, to make everything you know thats wrong, right.. You dont, cause youre so goddamn used to that voice, just telling you, "fuck this, things'll be okay. Maybe not now, but soon." Because you refuse to believe its your fault, refuse to just admit that it was you. And we end up not doing anything to prevent it, and once that person steps out of our life for good, or that thing just happens, this huge wave of regret just washes over us, almost making it impossible to breathe, making us feel so goddamn worthless. But, we choose to cover it up again, pouring a whole new coat of denial on us, and basically move on with our everyday routine, not realizing that by the end of each day, a little bit of us just, dies. The its all too late, and our world is nothing but a heap of dust. And the cycle keeps going, and going and fucking going. I dont even know what the fuck im doing anymore.

And it scares me to think, that Ive lost track of everything, and anything that's important.
And I'm scared, that if this carries on, I'm going to lose the people who mean most to me.
I'm going to lose myself.
More than i already have, and i just cant fucking deal anymore.

I feel like crying my eyes out, but i'd rather not go into details. it hurts too fucking much, but newfound emotions have been developed and lost in a matter of mere days, and this is not something I'm used to. My trust, has started to fade, making me wonder if i'll ever be able to trust someone for real, ever again. I'm not used to that either. Ive always liked to imagine, that I live in this safe world, where nothing can come between anything, or anyone i care about. And maybe for a few hours, days, months, years maybe, the real world seems irrelevant to that world we inhabit, but no. I'm not so naive anymore. I know now, that the real world will always be there, waiting to just crush each and every one of us. And the minute i realized that the real world is still out there, regardless, the exact same minute that i stopped dreaming. That i refused to let myself be let down so much again. Worse than any heartbreak, this realisation. And its hurts even more, to think that maybe, there could've been what we needed,but we just didn't search hard enough. And to top it all off, the rents and I, are yet again, running against nature in our relationship. Daddy finally came to see us, after almost three months, if not more. And its weird, hearing the doorbell ring, and the irony just hits me in the face, that my own father is actually ringing the doorbell, when he's actually supposed to have a set of keys. And the fact that i know this guy is my dad, but at the same time, not being able to fathom, how he could just.. abandon you.

Everything's changing, and at such a rapid pace.
I wish i could work against time, and savour the little things,
that have disappeared, before everything else is gone too.

;; I thought this was the year that everything would be different, better.
And i thought that I wouldnt have to go through all of this again,
I thought things were gonna be okay.
What the fuck happened ?

Muhd Azmeer b Zulkifli b Yussoff b Ibrahim, (whos name confuses me)
I love youuu. (:

Okay, i know Ive been neglecting my blog long enough to make everyone wonder what the hell happened to me.
I know this because well, about a trillion people have asked me whats happened to me, and if i fell off the face of the universe.

The truth is, Ive kinda lost my flare. And Ive got nothing to talk about. Nothing much to say, there might be a few strings here and there, and Ive made posts on them, the rest.. i dont think is important. I dont know why, but lately everything seems irrelevant and a waste of time.
Or maybe its cause im just so preoccupied with everything.

Fixing situations arent my best.
Im not good at all of this. Im just tired, of being the one to always always say something first. And this scares me, because, maybe im just.. losing. Such a scary thought.

I never thought i'd be sitting here one day, just thinking about everything, reviewing all the shit ive done to people, since this is usually my bedtime routine, almost like a lullaby, and maybe this is karma.
If you live with a million people, do you still die alone ?

Ive been thinking alot about everything these past few days, and maybe, just maybe its time to let go. I'm tired of hiding from the thunder and lightning, when what i really need to do, is just dance in the rain.

So this is me, finally giving up and giving in. I'm done trying to save everything that comes my way. I know this is.. unme, but i think im ready for this.
I think i need to learn how to deal with everything, and not deal with it at the same time.

Its kinda weird not having anything to fall back on anymore, in a sense, a plan b.
I used to think it was really easy being able to stand on two feet, but it gets hard, y'know ?
This is not just another randomrantandrave, but just.. i dont really know what this is.

Travis, has been keeping me company alot lately. And, i really really like them. I dont know.
Im honestly not sure what to say yet.

;;Sooner or later, these bruises are bound to fade.
Then i can begin to let go, let go, of this facade.

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
hiiii

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
i miss you

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
i drowned my phone ):

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
i miss you tooo

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
omg

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
how ?

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
it fell into a bucket of water in school

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
have you noticed tht everytime you need a new phone is cos you drowned the old ones

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
you dropped one in the sea

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHA I KNOW

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
one in the toilet

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
IVE DROWNED 4 FUCKING PHONES

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. homfg. i'm a serial killer. :S

Things have been rocky lately.
Im tired as hell, and im right in the middle of my pmr trials, and usually id give a rats ass, but just not this time.
And its weird, cos i feel like im floating past the days.
I sit in my room, and promise to call someone that night, and then i just curl up into a ball, and before i know it, im being shaken awake for school.
Funny, because i dont remember feeling this way for a long long time.
Numb.. maybe ?

Drowned my phone, yet again.
Dont ask me how, cos i dont know either.
Im tired, and i need a shower.


I keep wanting to call, but everytime i do, youre rushing off to do something.
And im sorry that weve grown apart so much, and it hurts, cos i never thought things would be awkward between the two of us. And we came so far, from the people we used to be, to this. And i wanna thank you for it. Cos i dont think i'd have made it so far, without you.

Do you like me or dont you ? Youre the sweetest person for a day, then for the next hundred days, youre the worst person to ever be alive. It doesnt really help that hes your cousin.

And you, do you make it a point, that everytime you find a new girlf, you have to talk to me ? You have no idea how much it breaks my heart. You may totally be over the whole thing, but im not. And im sorry, but sometimes, i wish i could wake up and forget you.

A runaway doesnt seem out of the question, and im on holiday next week. Roadtrip maybe ?

Its not that hard to write.
It flows through your fingers, from deep inside, whatever it is your think, or subconsciously feeling. If you dont feel that, then maybe you shouldnt write. Or complain.

It was so much easier pretending you never existed, than what im feeling right about now.
Its funny, how the minute i thought of you, was the minute you said hey.
And now, youve got another.
So much for happily ever after.

Pixie,
Happy birthday.
As i said in the message, you mean the world and more to me.
Nothings gonna change that.
All the retarded things you say, all the retarded things you tell me you do, i dont think i wouldve expected that from you. (:
And its good, cos you are one of a kind.
Seeing you on tv, and well, kindof but not really in real life, its good to know that youre real.
Youre as real as real gets boy, and i know nothing can taint that.
You amaze me in ways i never thought possible, and i love you for it.
You cannot begin to imagine what youve done for me, but thank you.
I know this isnt exactly your ideal birthday message, but hey, ill make it up to you sometime, promise.
And this time, brownie points will be redeemed. Thumb wiggle promise.
So pixie, have a good one. Gosh youre old.

And i adore you, muffinman. (:

Been thinking about you alot lately. And its weird, cos i thought it was all over, closure.
I was here.
So here comes the mess.
I really really miss you.
Please say we can start again ?
These past few months have been hell for me, and i cant even look at your pictures without feeling my chest heave, and give way.
Im sick of trying to pretend im over you.
When im not.

Teehee, was on the phone to bitchinia for ages yesterday.
Laughed like fucking lunatics, i swear.

Chinia : how come youre not coming to kuching ?
Me : cos my mumma said that yo mummas not gonna be there during the hols. cos shes going somewhere, as usual.
Chinia : my moms only going on the 24th. when are the hols ?
Me : 15th august.
Chinia : that means she'll be here. why aint yo mumma comin ?
Me : i dont know! maybe she dont know how to count !


Chinia : *laughing*
Me : *sluuuuurrrpp noise*
Chinia : *stops laughing* dude, whts tht ?
Me : my juicebox.
*both of us burst out laughing*
Chinia : i like juice.
Me : oh, i like you too. wow, we have a lot in common. i like you and you like me and you like you..and i like me..
Chinia : i didnt say i liked you. i said i liked juice.
*both of us burst out laughing*
Me : oh, i knew that.


Chinia : what did you say ?
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : *giggles*
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : *giggles*
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : what were we talkin bout ?
Me : i dont know.
*both of us continue giggling*


Me : hey chinia ?
Bitchinia : Er yea ?
Me : STUMPED. HAHAHAHAHAAH.
*both of us continue giggling.*

Me : *tells story about whats happening with the (ex/current/ihavenoidea) bestf, and her disgusting exboyf*
Chinia : Dickheaaad.
Me : Hows your dad treating you ?
Chinia : mm, dickheaaad.
Me : Yup, dickheaaad.

I love you ladee, (: