I'm sick and I'm tired.
I'm sad and overwhelmed.


What a fantastic way to start a post, dontcha think ?
Honestly, I'm tired of having to deal with all of this emotional baggage, which might I add, is totally unnecessary. I've been trying my hardest to make decent decisions that might actually benefit me, but somehow without realising, I get ahead of myself, and the consequences are just the same.
Giving up the fight sounds like a good idea right about now, as I'm constantly left tired and emotionally drained ten times over, but I can't. Giving up would mean I've got nothing to lose, and I know I've got more than alot to lose, regardless of if I acknowledge this or not. This fog that has clouded my judgment for so long has still ceased to lift, leaving me with no peace of mind. I've exhausted myself trying to figure what wouldn't end badly for me, and seemingly, there is no such thing. As the pessimist in me shines through, I have yet again proven to myself and those around me, that maybe I am not as strong as I'd like to believe I am. I've let my guard down alot more than I should've, and thus proving that I am the only one to blame for the hurt I feel after. My total carelessness in making decisions, when I am only thinking of the other person.

Over the course of the last few months, I have somewhat grown in the pain that held me back for so long, this helping to mould me, but yet it displays the toll it has taken on me, through my daily routines and the way I come across. It has never bothered me, what other people think, but yet, for my scars and my thoughts to be placed out in the open for it to be picked apart by the eye of society does nothing to calm the storm that is raging in my chest.

I'm seemingly ripping at the seams, coming apart, much to my dislike. But with my hardheadedness, I refuse to step down and admit defeat, regardless of how bruised and battered I am. The fact that I'm running a fever that's probably going to end up frying all my brain cells, my body is literally bruised, I'm practically starving but can't bring myself to eat without tasting bile in the back of my throat, does nothing to help my cause.

I've done nothing so far but take one step forward and two steps back, over and over again, so much so it has become apart of my daily routine, and I've worked myself to the core trying to figure out exactly what I've been doing wrong.

Exboyfs have been popping up all over the place much to my discomfort, but never the less, it made me realise just how much I've missed being what I was last year. It used to be easy for me to just let go, and recover in a wave of herbal smoke, but yet again, the one right decision I made actually led to me learning the hard way ; Dealing with my problems without any help from anything other than myself. Tiring as it may seem, it has currently ceased working, as the rest of me has.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, it feels like this was long coming. My inability to drown out this voice that rings in my ears everysingletime I fuck up, is becoming just another one of those failures that I live with each and every day. No, I don't mean to sound like the typicaldramaticteen, but everything I've been doing has turned sour in a matter of seconds, making me feel inadequate, compared to what I used to accomplish back when I wasn't so intricately insane.

I fear that the knockout is coming, sooner than I expect it to. I'm bracing myself for it, instead of walking away like the sensible person would do. I've distanced myself so much from the things and the people I used to adore, just to prove that it wont hurt as much.

I'm just sick and I'm tired.

;; theres a burning in my pride,

a nervous bleeding in my brain,

an ounce of peace is all I want,

will you never call again.