mm, heyyyyy.

I'm happy :D
Are you ?
Ive been listening to In the ayer, and low all day long. I guess its FloRida day today, betches.
So, I'm hungry, and i want dimsum. Yummyyumyum, you dig ?

Anywhoo, there's less than 3weeks to PMR, and I'm not stressing. I should be, but I'm not. I'm weird like that I guess. Everyone keeps pestering me to study, and its really beginning to get to me. Cos when people want me to do something, the more i wont do it. Heh, I'm anal like that, yo.

Kat and Geogy are coming over tomorrow. We were actually supposed to go out for dinner, to buke puase, but momma wouldn't let me out. Don't ask, the answer is yes, because of PMR. So instead, they said they'd come over. Gosh, I love those two. (:

People irritate me. But oh well, live and let live. When I say, I actually mean, live and bludgeon to death. But that's illegal. But so are alot of the things I do.
I cant wait till that god forsaken exam is over. This isolation is driving me crazy, no doubt.
And I can hardly go online..

Oh and i almost forget;
Chloe came over the other day.
Loadsa pictures. Maybe in the next post.
Did the usual, mamak, camwhore, laugh, pig out.
Love you, biatch.

; oh hot dayumn.

I'm so pissed off, you have no idea in hell.
I have no idea in hell.
All these little things keep piling up, it stopped being funny a long time ago.

Ugh, stupid naive little girl.
You really thought things would get better ?

Mm, hey.
They werent kidding when they say the world is Ted Bundy.

I need to stop diving headfirst into really shitty situations. Its become one of those bad habits that i cant kick. Not only do I dive in headfirst, but also with my eyes closed.

Amanda, you stupid stupid little girl.

A friend of mine had her heart broken today. Which just proves, that every two seconds, not only does a person die, but a heart breaks.
I realise how I'm constantly contradicting myself with the things I do, or the things I say. One way or another, i manage to go back on my words. A hypocrite, if you must.
For instance, telling everyone that I need time to sort things out, and that I gotta take things slow, but ending up being the one with her finger on the fastforward button, leaving unresolved issues behind.
This year was supposed to be my prime.
I, have run out of excuses, run out of things to say to cover my tracks.

So I shall make no more.

On a brighter note;

Me: if I get a fish, Im going to name it Shark.
Chinia: well, then, if I get a cat, Im going to name it Tiger.
Me: why tiger? tigers arent nice. they eat people.
Chinia: well, so do sharks.
Me: Shyea well. Whats your point ?
Chinia: *dies laughing.

Am almost in tears after reading Naomi's birthdaypost to me.
I love you lady, and youre absolutely right.
I think if we didnt have each other, we'd be crackheads, maybe worse.
But the things we've been through would probably make everyone else question their relationship with their bestfriend.
You, have no idea how much i love you.
For everything we've been through already, and everything to come, i thank you.
And i wouldnt have wanted to go through all this shit with anyone but you.
You bring out the best in me, and I go gila when I'm with you.
I love you loads.

- Rest of the post deleted.
Due to the fact that i refuse to admit I am wrong(which i am not, by the way), things have gotten pretty outofhand. Or so for some.
Took me awhile to realise how immature this whole thing is, and I'm letting it go. Like, foreal. You can think whatever you wanna think, but as for now, and for some time to come, I'll keep my immoral comments to myself. Theyve caused enough trouble as it is for me, the bestfriend, and for a few other people.
I, am gonna be superdeeduperdy rad, and let it all go.
Especially the fact that this only began because he ruined it all for me. All its done is hurt me, and its just not worth it. (:

So, I'm officially
FIFTEEN, bitches.

Shyea, me. Finally here.

Its been a pretty good day. Woke up, and did ran to the mirror, to see if I looked any older. Bimbotic as it sounds, it was funny.
I honestly don't know what to say, or where to start. I didn't do much. But it was a nice day.
I guess that's about as far as the birthday elaboration goes.
I'm never truly psyched about a birthday, not even mine. But this yea was pretty different. Like, I was on the phone with Naomi till about 1a.m, talking absolute bollocks as per usual. Naomi, being the first person to wish me.

Honestly, the fact that I didn't go out, or whatever, didn't make it a bad birthday. Having all these people, actually making you realise how special you are, made my day.

Naomi and Michelle, the two best friends any girl could ever have.
I love you two. So freakin much :D

And to everyone else, thanks so much for the wishes.
You know ya'll mean the world to me. (:

Happy naked day to me,
Happy naked day to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I, am possibly one of the most pissed off people in the world at this fucking moment.

All you cunts, need to stop fucking thinking i truly give a shit. Just cos you catch me in a nice moment, doesnt mean i give a flying fuck about you, or what the fuck you do. Dont fucking waste my time.

And you jackholes, this will be the last fucking time I ever try to fucking do something nice for you.
This aint no eye for an eye fuckshit, this is just your everyday fucking routine.

Hey everybody, happy fucking birthday to me, innit.

Fucking dickweeds. Im so fucking sick of all this shitfuck.
So why dont, all you fuckholes, go fall off a fucking building, and do the world, a fucking favour.
Consider it.. my birthday present.
Honestly, nothing would make me fucking happier. (:

I miss you,

mm, hey.
As i type this, there is only one thing thats going through my head; Life, is pretty damn good. The first thing i did this morning, was jump into the pool fully clothed (eventhough we made it look like it was an accident). But hells, i needed some therapy, and it sure as hell worked. I, am considerably happy. I've got nothing to moan about (oo-er).
First of all, I miss you, Azmeer ! Husband, gayboy, lovah. Totalleeyy. Called a couple of nights ago, and talked bollocks for over an hour. Proof that I have not turned into lifehatingemokiiiiid;

"Manda, i love you."
"Lies. Malicious LIES !"
"Shit man, how do you know all these stuff ?"
"Cos I've got this hidden camera thing in your undies, and since you think with you peeeeeeeeenis, i can hear all your thoughts."
"But..-"
"But WHAT ?"
"I'm not wearing underwear."
"Damn. Ooh, kinky. I just realised i'm not either."

"*talks to someone in his dorm room* die masok bilik gemok ah."
"WHAT ?!"
"Not youuuu. Theres this fatchinesekid..-"
"FATCHINESEKID ? I love fatchinesekids."
"Ew, why. He's like, 12."
"Cos theyre not skinnychinesekids. They look better and the term sounds better, fatchinesekid. I liiiike 12yearold chinesefatkids."
"Makes sense, that one. Truuue. Okay fine, he's 13."
"Dammit. Yea, its logical. Gosh."

So many more conversations like this with him, i just don't remember all of them. Might meet up with him this weekend. I love this kiiid.
Come to think of it, I've been missing alot of people over these few days.
As I type this, I am also sitting amongst a hundred(and one) piles of clothes. I have run out of things to wear. Everyones turning like, a hundred, and of course, they choose to have some formal thingamajig.
My teachers, are so freakin queer. Moral teacher came up to me, and started talking absolute bollocks, and by bollocks I mean she was talking about math. Then she puts her hands on my shoulders, and tells me to relax.

"*touches my fringe* Manda, clip up your hair."
"Er, shyea."
"Wah, you have a very nice forehead."
"Whaaadt ? Thanks.. ?"
"*rubs my forehead* How i wish i had a forehead like yours."
"Okay.. i gotta...pee. Byee."
Talk about freaky deaky.

Anywhoo, been working out like crazy, and ive quit smoking, or atleast im trying to. Im pretty fucking proud of myself.

I guess you could say I'm pretty happy with the way things are going right now.

&& youre swinging, swinging,
for the wrong team.

mm, hey.
Expect a very very very messy update.
I'm not supposed to be onliiiiiine.
Firstly, i would like to apologize for my absence.


So i had this weird dream last night, I don’t remember much of it, but I remember waking up in the middle of the night in tears. Yea, I know. Its been ages since ive had a dream like that. I just cant remember what the damn dream was about. I just remember that James Lafferty and Chad Micheal Murray were in it. But I think, in my dream, they were their roles in One Tree Hill.

I was dating Lucas, and Nathan was in love with me (Yes, im fulla shit). So, I was at their house or something, and then Nathan kissed me. Lucas didn’t know. Then I think we baked cookies.Then , I remember seeing someone there. Causing heartache everywhere he stepped. I don’t know who he was. But I have an idea.

The point is, I haven’t had a dream like this. And there are just blank parts in this dream, that I cant even remember the slightest bit of. Almost as if I passed out in my dream, if that’s even possible. I keep trying to think and remember, but I just cant. It might just come back to me, or not.

Anywhoo, I’m back from penang. Ugh, I hate that place with a passion. The hotel we stayed at, wasn’t bad though. It was actually pretty. Minus the fact that it feels like youre in confinement, seeing as the only way out is the door, there are no windows. At all. Depressing, much ? But Coffee Bean is attached to the hotel, so I had my daily fixes of Sunrises. Mm, I love that stuff. Uncle Lenny’s thing wasn’t too bad I guess. I actually got pretty bored. Without Aly and Kieran, I had no one to talk to. I had Sa and Jeremy, but they had each other, pretty damn depressing. Whatevs, though. Had a few glasses of wine. I don’t dig red wine though. Ick. Got myself a gorgeous pair of shoes there. I think I might just go to penang to shop. The ish there is deeevine.

Got a call from Naomi.And her exboyf is the biggest dick on the face of the universe. Sorry man, but you really gotta grow up, you cant have everything your way. Got really pissed off at him, but do you really blame me ? I don’t think, I have had less respect for any other human being.

But that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Oh, during breakfast at the hotel in penang, I got pretty upset, cos everyone was being bitches. And I wasn’t having the best morning. Im no morning person, trust me. So I was feeling pretty cranky and the way they were going wasn’t exactly helping. Didn’t eat and headed to the room. While I was gone, mummy asked sa, “Is it because of the Araff fella ?” When Sa texted me and told me, I almost died. Like, how does she know ? I never told her about him, partly cos it hurt so much. She knew about the whole Lewis situation, and about the badbreakup. But I never breathed a word to her about Araff. Hell, I didn’t even tell Sasa. Scary shizz, my mumma.

I didn’t tell mum why I was so upset. Then, while we were watching TV lastnight, after the long drive, she asked me.

“Why were you so upset ?”

“Nah, nothing. Just that the minute Dy saw me, all he did was bitch, and mama too. It didn’t help that Melissa was being a bitch either.”

“So its not boyfriend trouble ?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t want one for the time being. Too much hurt.”

“But you did have one. Araff. Recently. I know youre still hurting.”

“Gah ? How did you know ? I didn’t tell anyone about him. Well, except for Naomi and a few other hundred people.”

“I know these things, I'm a mother. Its my job to know. I know these things, I just don’t say anything, in hope that you will come to me yourself. You two were at it for awhile. About 5 or 6 months, right ? You were happiest through that period. I could tell. The way your eyes shone, how you laughed. It was nice to see you so happy for awhile. But then, that day, when Naomi came over. There were some Chinese boys downstairs by the pool, all smoking, and after that, I never saw you sadder. Its like something inside you broke.”

“Er yea. He made me really happy. He still does. I don’t know, its gonna be pretty hard to get over him. I mean, he was the first boy, I was ever serious about. Me and Lewis, destined for heartbreak. But it was real with Araff. I felt really good about it, you know ? That day, Jason said some shit, which I’m convinced is all lies now. It just really hurt, to hear the stuff he said.”

“So tell me about Araff.”

“He's 16. Theres so much to say about him. I dont even know where to begin.”

“So, whats the story with the two of you now ?”

“It ended, kinda. Before it really started. 6 months is a really long time for me. We’re friends now. I’m still trying to work my hurt around that, but its working for now. I’d rather have him as my friend, than nothing at all, you know ?”

“Yea. But youre still young. He was lucky to have you for that 5 months.”

“Nah mom, I was luckier. He was one of a kind. Always will be. Night mom. Love you.”


And then the conversation was over. Maybe the dream was brought on because of this. But it felt good to tell her. To actually talk to her about it. Its been slowly killing me inside, and I felt it, really bad. But knowing mummy supports whatever I do, is a good feeling. And I hope it stays that way.

Yea, so I know this guy. His name is Azz (No crude comments please. Ive made fun of his name by myself too. Teehee). And hes really into me, but its not a mutual feeling. And he called me, and sang to me. It was kinda sad. But it was a nice gesture. I guess. So I was nice to him, but not crossing the line, no flirting, nothing. Just as friends. But he didn’t get the hint. So I had to tell him, he thought I was in love with him too. He called me in the middle of night, at like 3 in the freakin morning, and I sleep like a log, and if anyone wakes me up, they’ll get the yelling of their life. And that’s what I did, I told him I wanted to sleep, and I told him to fuck the hell off. Not realizing it was him, seeing as I was half asleep.

Then he texted me while I was in penang. Telling me he loves me, and how sorry he was.

So I said,

“I’m sorry. But I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m still getting over my ex.”

“If ex you menorah hati you dengan pisau, you masih mencintai dia ?”

“Listen, you kene faham jugak. I sayang you, tetapi setakat kawan sahaja. I tak berapa kenal you pon. Tolong faham, okay."

“Okay. I faham. Hati I da hancur, I harap you takkan rasa macam mana hancurnya hati I suatu hari nanti. Pedih dan sakit. Thanks.. my heart belongs to you, but you squeeze it, I feel it.”

“Im sorry azz, tapi I da cakap, kite tak brapa kenal, you tak mencintai I. Its impossible.”

“Memang kita tak berapa kenal, but I can feel kemesraan and I always understanding you. When I praying, I always pray for you. Did your ex do that ? Adakah you yang kene suruh die doakan you, then baru dia nak buat ? Patutnya atas kesedaran diri sendiri ! You tak nampak lagi ke ? Don’t be blind because of cinta lama you. Cinta sejati hanya dating sekali ? You adalah inspirasi saya, Amanda. You buat I alive. Adakah ex you penah cakap sume macam ni ? Apa yang kurang pada I ?”

“You, tolonglah sikit. You cakap you faham I, tapi tak langsung. Terima kasih sajalah. I da bape banyak kali cite ngan you, tapi you masih tak faham. Takpe la. Sukati you. Bye.”

“Kay. Just wanna let you know, I takkan lama lagi. I hope you understand. I selama ni bukan saja memahami you melalui pergaulan kita, malah melalui sahabat I, iaitu sahabat you juga. I takkan lama, untuk melihat senyuman you lagi."

"Dont kill yourself okay ? xxx"


I know it was a mean thing for me to do, but I just got so irritated. You cant force someone to be with you, or love you. Or ever care for that matter. I just don’t get it. Men either lack commitment, or have to much of it. Whats the deal ?

And keep in mind, ive met this guy twice in my life. Don’t bother telling me that I’m a bitch, I know this. And I don’t care anymore. I personally would rather hurt in the beginning, instead of falling head over heels, and being strung along. This is going to hurt much less. And I’m trying this new thing, where I don’t break hearts, by letting them think they stand a chance. This is the beginning. Im sorry, azz. I am, but its not you I want. :/

Otherwise,

So things have been pretty good lately. Minus the fact that I have trials on my birthday, Im completely broke, I’m lacking sleep, and I might be single for the rest of the year; I, Amanda Rachel, am the happiest person alive. Piece together the points yourself, I cant be arsed.

I, for the millionth and tenth time, am announcing my official start of MANOREXIC-ism. I know, by next week, you would think I would have renounced it. But you, my friends, are terribly wrong. This time, its foreal, foreal. I’m attempting to stay clear of men, till ’09. Hopefully.

I know, I could have my pick of a guy. And this is not me going on some egotrip, or me trying to console myself. But I, used to juggle boys on a daily basis. And trust me, I am not just saying this. I could give you a whole explanation, but honestly speaking, you lot don’t deserve it. I do not need to justify myself to you. Regardless of what you say or think. I don’t owe you anything.

Naomi says, she has never seen me go longer than a month without a boy. And so far, its been over three. Naomi says, she has never seen me turn down as many guys as I have in the past few months. Everyone, agrees. Heartbreak#2, helped me grow up. I, am honestly not interested anymore. Its gonna be awhile before someone breaks the bar again. Right now, everyone seems like a complete waste of time.

I still carry the hurt around, and I will, for a long time. I can always tell. But its okay. I’ve still got those glimmers of hope, and maybe that’s enough for now. Love, hope and regret, are enough to get me through the day. This, is what real life feels like. Opposed to the slaponafakesmile, and pretend everythings fine, its just not something I can do. Im stronger than that. This, I know.

I, have enough to be happy about. I’ve got enough people to love, and people who love me back. Sometimes, it still feels like its lacking something. No, wait, scratch that. Sometimes, I know, its lacking someone. But it’s a feeling I welcome, I don’t wanna be numb.
Almost everyday, I retreat to that little world inside my head, where I heal. And for the first few hours of the day, I know I am safe.

So, talking about religion in school today. Okay, a heated discussion. I, for one, believe that there is only one god. But which one ? If we were all one religion, do you think we’d be facing half the problems we face today ? Maybe the whole IraqAmerica war isn’t about religion, but it sure as hell is the base of it.
I, am not saying that anybody’s religion is superior. Yes, each religion has their own beliefs. But the beliefs of every other religion are pretty damn similar compared amongst each other. The only difference is, there are so many different gods. What if there is only one ? Religion, is seemingly becoming a boundary.
I would like so much to believe. Just like every other person, i would love to put my faith in something unreal. Sometimes, everyone needs some hope. Today, is the day for me. I used to believe that people put their faith in god and they believe in god, because there is no hope left in the reality of today's world. So they put every ounce of belief left in them, in something they hope wont disappoint them. That, is the whole point of believing, no ? To blindly put every little bit of you into something, and hope it doesn't blow up in your face. The mere thought of something unreal saving us, sounds comforting, opposed to the everyday cliche, of us being stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
We, or atleast I, will not say that our downfalls are inevitable. If there was a god, why is there always so much pain ? All this mass destruction, the ruining of the earth. I, refuse to believe that this is all part of a great big plan. Because if it was, what about the people who arent here to witness it ?
I know i may get arrested for this, but from what i hear, we're a free country. And i, am just exercising my rights.

&& and i wish you could see me now,
holding my heart in my hands.
oh baby, cant you tell, cant you tell ?

Mm, hey.

So, I, am officially sick.
It doesnt help that i will be lugging a 10kg bag to Penang tomorrow evening. Or the day after, whatever. I'm not even sure when we're going, and believe it or not, I havent even started packing.
Anywhoo, the days have been wearing on pretty slowly. And I, have been my restless self.

To add to further frustration, I have like, a bazillion stalkers.
Yippee. Not.
I have like a trillion Facebook stalkers, which just proves how sucky Facebook really is.
Then, I had that Ahli Fiqir guy, who still goes to the mamak everyday in search of me.
I know this because, Amy, the manager of whatever he does there, told me. GAY.
Then, Ive been getting these random calls at night, and when i answer theres no one there, but I know someone is there, because the moron breathes pretty heavily. Does this guy thinks that he's the only one who's ever seen CSI ? Seriously. So i texted and asked who it was. And he blabs on about how his name is Fendi, and how he saw me in the elevator with a friend one day, and bodek-ed her / him to give him my number. Turns out, Vanillaahh, has got the same stalker. Sexual harassment ? No kidding, bitches.
Then theres Bitchinia's boyf, Raden. Who keeps insisting that I "hello" him back. For the third time in two days.
Then, there's 38yearoldpervert, Suraj. Who sits by the pool everyday, staring into my window. Pretty damn pathetic.
Then, there's this guy who calls himself 'Captain' on friendster. And he keeps insisting we're friends. I kept insisting, that the only way I'd be friends with him, was in the pastlife, and if he was a rat and I, was a shopkeeper. I'm pretty sure I'da stomped on him. Havent replied his messages, which by the way, come twice a day, on friendster.
How charming, these men. I'm almost willing to drop my pants.
Not.

This, is why, I am officially announcing my MANOREXIC-ism.
(I know, I know, absolute bollocks. Shuttit.)

Anywhoo, I've got a lot of shit piling up on me.
PMR's in like 38 days, and I havent even studied.
I mean, its no biggie to me, but it is to the rents. And i really really want some dosh from the fam, cos if not, I'm totally buggered.

On a brighter note, the birthday's in a few days.
I guess I should be excited.
Yay.

&& I've come so far, with a broken heart.