Im still so in love with you.
And it hurts so much, listening to the songs that used to represent us.
I still send you a text everynight before i sleep, because all i want is really you.
i know i'll never love someone like i love you.
I want to tell you i hate you, but i cant, cos i cant bring myself to talk to you without it hurting so much that i can barely breathe.
you'll always be my waffles. yes, this is all about you.
ive been sitting here for the last two hours just thinking about you, and i just cant let go.
this is so different from the other fights, ur actually gone this time.
yes, araff. this is all about you.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Everything has been really crazy lately, and I didn’t have an internet connection. I reduced my life to just 18 sheets of paper, cos I couldn’t blog. So this is going to be one helluva long post. Everything ive written down these past three months. Not everything, just the stuff I think is worthy of writing about.
I’m not a serialemoposter but I just choose to spend the better part of my days with the people I care about. And I choose to spend the worse part of my days, just posting it up and not burdening people with them. Some things might have been left out, or just forgotten, as Naomi knows, I’m extremely forgetful. Seriously, ask her.
Here goes.
Lifes been crazy lately. Im as dead as I look, honest. I’ve been a mess lately, so much so I don’t remember what ive done. I’m tired of this everyday routine. I have so many things on my mind that I don’t even know where to start.
I drowned my phone in a bucket of water, which was hysterical. But am currently using daddy’s old N73, and a new number. I just got so sick of some of the people I used to know.
Got tickets for Sunburst, and and backstage passes to meet all of them, and by all, I mean ALL. Vanillasex performed for che’nelle,so I met up with her after. Finally met one of the many men of my dreams, BRANDON BOYD. Left at around 4 a.m, after sending iman to the mamak. Sometimes just never change.
Finally got some things done around the apartment, renovations are finally over, and I actually decided against painting the room, as it took way too much work moving everything around again. The apartment is disgusting, we’re walking in dust inches thick.
Other than all the materialistics, ive gotten in touch with my love for the oldies, again. Elvis Presley is my new man.
Im completely over pretending I want anyone but you. After all this time, the fights, the bad timing, the things ive said, I just need you. Im trying this new thing when I figure out what I really want, and whats good for me. And that’s exactly what you are, amazing for me.
My life has been the biggest rollercoaster so far, a tangle of strings, a freakin candy store. Theres just so much going on, its overwhelming.
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Finally sat and thought about it thoroughly. Men are so heartless. Just thinking about everything I went through with so many people. Its just freakin amazing I haven’t dropped dead. I mean ive only had one real boyfriend, unreal as it sounds, I know.
I was thinking that maybe if you weren’t such an asshole the whole time we were together, we still would be together. You had an amazing way of captivating me through the five years I knew and cared for you. I think back now and talk to Naomi about how you and I used to be so close, that you would just call me all the way from England just to speak to me, to not even acknowledging each others presence. I was in love with you for at least 2 years of my life, and you couldn’t have been a better boyfriend that when you were my friend. It’s just weird how if I ever saw you anywhere now, id walk in the other direction, not because im scared, but just because I don’t even want to acknowledge the fact that your still breathing. We didn’t have a pretty ending, no mutual agreements. But you just had way too many on the side, one in particular. I used to stay home everyday and wonder what they had that I didn’t, what they could make you feel that I couldn’t. I used to imagine loving you for years, and us just being together. but just after 5 months, we were over as soon as we started. You went to England, and I just stopped trusting you.
Then I had this dream where, in 20 years time, I was married to an amazing man, with a gorgeous family. As they went about their daily duties, the doorbell rang. And in my gut I just knew. I opened the door, only to fall into piercing blue eyes. 20 minutes later, we were running down the sidewalk hoping to catch the next train. I’d left my picture perfect life for you, and again you screwed everything up for me. And yet I was so inlove with you.
You and me, we’re like modern society Casablanca.
and even now, I haven’t forgiven you, im completely indifferent to the life of you. Eventhough sometimes, I drown out that little voice screaming that I wish I wasn’t.
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In my 15 years of life, I have never felt so violated. It’s amazing how the actions of another sick person can affect you.
Im being stalked by a man 23 years my senior. A 38yearold man, who lives less that 5 minutes away from me, has been stalking me for the last two years. I’ve known him and his family for over two years, and he has the audacity to do something so vile.
I was friends with him, and we used to talk a lot when daddy lived here. Now that we live here, I used to see him everyday, in the morning, afternoon and everything.
The one day, he tells me he’s got a secret for me. And me, being the naïve child I am, think he’s like a junkie or something not as extreme as what he told me. Of course I tell him im good with secrets. And for the next few days, it completely slips my mind, and I go about what I usually do everyday. Till he calls me down one day, and I bring up the secret, only for him to say he’s building up to it. Finally he blabs on and on about how he used to watch me 2 years back and I shy away immediately, then he says, “I’ve got this major crush on you, it might just be me being silly, but its there, its obvious.” And I burst out laughing, as its my nervous habit. And suddenly, aunty debs comes down.
I was terrified to be alone with a pedophile. I guess I was calm in the beginning, until he started dropping comments about me. I just sat there with a stiff smile on my face, being to freaked out to say anything. I finally excuse myself, when what he said sunk in. And I was quick to jump into the elevator, but of course, he followed me in, and I got out on my floor as quickly as I could. I immediately text Naomi, “omfg. a 38yearold man has been stalking me for two years, he also conveniently told me that he has a major crush on me. ewfuckedyew !”
and of course, Naomi’s reply makes me happier.
“omfg. You serious? Ill call as soon as I can. Tell Mr. Pedophile to go choke on Viagra! xxx”
The next day, I look out my window and he’s staring at me, smiling. I pretend like I don’t see him at all, and he actually stands up to grab my attention. He’s been timing the time I get back from school, and he waits for me everyday.
He knows exactly where I live, and im sometimes scared to be alone in my apartment.
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My record among the teachers is better than last year. My weeks have been terrible, and I hardly even talk to anyone but Naomi.
I’ve lost my passion and inspiration for the things I used to do. I don’t even write anymore. I have no time for anything. I have no time for… me.
I miss how we used to talk about everything. We could talk about boys to eggs, to pigs. Im sorry ive been so caught up, and haven’t made time for you.
Ive got to murder these routines.
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Finally got the chance to see Naomi after like two months. Went to midvalley, of all sad places. We actually wanted to go to OU, but ended up changing our plans, as we didn’t have a ride. During the holidays, we were there everyday day, just sitting in starbucks and smoking our lungs black. And blowing all our money on fraps, and movie tickets. Anyways, we watched Definitely, Maybe. Which was a pretty good movie, I guess. Then after the movie, I wanted to show her one of the best looking boys ive ever met. Gloriajeansboy, introduced to me by my best betch, Idan. He’s one of those hazeleyed, fairskinned, curlyhaired sweethearts. But unfortunately for me and every girl that notices him, he doesn’t bend our way. Sat in gloriajeans for awhile. The met up with Jiffy and Kelvin, and decided to have dinner with them. Jiffy is one of my favourite penispeople ever. He’s the best, I swear. Me and Naomi wanted smoothies, and of course, we stopped at gloriajeans. Then Jiff didn’t call, so we ended up sitting at gloriajeans with gloriajeansboy until mum came. Took a few pictures with him, and Naomi. Talked about guys asses, sex and all the pros that comes with being friends with a gayguy. Left after 45 minutes, cos it started getting boring, and then had dinner with the family at Madam Kwans.
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Naomi and Huilyn came over, cos its been ages since we’ve actually spent time together. Watched abit of Hitman, and then headed to the mamak in Phase 2, where two of Naomi’s friends came over, Jason and Ben, from Apiit. Weren’t my kind of people. Went swimming and then Lyn went home. After Jason, Ben and another one of their friends, Ming Da left, me and Naomi headed upstairs to throw ourselves on my bed, for our usual talk.
It was really nice talking to the two of them again. I’m hoping we’ll go back to what we were two years ago, the three of us were inseparable. Whenever the three of us were missing, people would always ask, “Where are those three ? Gone again.” We were always together, around each other. In class, even though I was always a year younger. Because when it was the three of us, we were always lucky to have each other, because I knew no matter what kind of day I was having, that maybe for a few minutes, I’d be lucky enough to be swept into our world of idiocy, to know that we’d be the highlight of each others day. And as we sat in those stupid pondoks, in the scorching heat, with our phones and cigarettes, it felt exactly like it did two years ago.
Then we talked about that day in February, where so much happened. We described it as, our day. And we talked about how the biggest clique was slowly evaporating. Maybe nobody acknowledges that they actually were apart of it anymore, but they were one of the most infamous cliques when I first started school. And now, there are less than 5 of them that are still friends. One’s halfway around the world, two are in different schools, and the rest just don’t give a shit anymore. And we talked about how we could write a book on everything that we’ve been through, and seen, just in our highschool years.
And as we sat in those stupid pondoks, in the scorching heat, with our phones and cigarettes, its felt exactly like in would 20 years from now.
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I guess it’s just ordinary people growing apart. After 4 months, almost beating the record of my longest relationship. Only difference is, I was determined to make this work.
Im not being full of myself or whatever, but I could have my pick of guys, but I usually choose the worst of the lot, except for once or twice. Its perplexing how I always get myself into such stupid situations with the same type of people. And now, is always the time I realize I deserve so much better than a guy who sets his standards so high, when hes not all that great. Hypothetically, of course.
Im sick of being just another girl. Im sick of trying to fix something that’s beyond broken. I’m sick of being so naïve, as to believe everything you say.
My self esteem is just gone. My ego is beyond bruised. And theres just this gnawing feeling in my stomach, a knowing that I’ve let this happen to me again.
Every person I choose has turned up the same. I’m better off with my girlfriends altogether. I told Naomi everything that happened, and she got pissed. Honestly, I’ve never hated someone more in my life, this is a whole new level of hate, even for me. I don’t know if I’m more hurt or pissed off. Its true what they say, you always kill the person you love. And that’s exactly what we all do.
Right now, the anger has taken over, and I know that you are just a pathetic excuse for a boy, let alone a human. The things I said about you, are going to burn right through you. I could be a royal bitch to you if I wanted, but I just don’t care anymore. I’m at that point of exasperation, because I tried to make it work.
All your bullshit about never caring about someone like you cared about me, did you get that from your pickup line book, too ? (: I have every right to go on a freakin rampage, but I’m classier than that. I just wish that sometimes, I hadn’t said what I said, but most of the time, I’m glad I did. Four months is long enough, and I knew this would happen sooner or later. But you do get credit for it happening later, rather than sooner. I used to think I couldn’t live without you, but I was wrong. I could and I can, I just didn’t want to.
So much for, if your not the one. We both know the answer now. Before the day is over, I know the hurt of it all is just going to flow in. It’s like I’m on painkillers after a bypass. I just wish I was heavily sedated. Sooner or later, you’re bound to stop affecting me. We just had a series of fights trailing at our tailbones, threatening to lash out at us anytime. And the fear of losing you is gone, because for now, I wanted it to be.
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We have something way past anything I, or anyone I know has ever experienced. We could be talking while staring at the moon, and we won’t even know it. What I feel with you is just completely different. I like just talking to you about the mundane details of my life, and how you just listen and laugh at me.
Running around half naked with four other people in the room for someone you barely know is actually the worst way to meet someone. Especially if you were watching.
I don’t know why, but I’ve missed you. Like, getting a text from you, its that feeling of warmth that surges through me, making my body buzz with happiness.
And you with your cotton candy tongue, makes me just wanna… bite.
And it’s just funny, cos maybe, I almost love you.
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I’M FINALLY GETTING MY LAPTOP.
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And it finally sunk in yesterday. As I was crawling under the sheets. Cos I’d usually be texting you till I fall asleep, but not tonight. After the afternoon we had, I just wanted to stop caring.
“Iv brokeurheart ke ?”
“Its not important.”
“okay.”
And then I just didn’t reply. 5 minutes later.
“Hahahahahahaha, ttyl.”
“Actually, no. I’m not going to ttyl, I’m not even going to talk to you.”
“Wow. That’s good news.”
“No, actually sweetie, its fucking fantastic news. loves. (: hahah, yea freaking right. XXX.”
“Good, come back for more.”
“That’s a pathetic excuse for a comeback, as you are a pathetic excuse for a specimen of a being. XXXX.”
and then it stopped. I was too pissed off to give a shit after. So I didn’t for the rest of the day. Then I crawled into bed, after a couple of cigarettes, and it hit me. Maybe I didn’t care, but it still hurt. I hate being alone. For 5 months, I was with lewis. and it still felt like I was missing something. With you it was so much different, I could do so much better than you, but I didn’t want to.
Maybe I was kidding myself for four months, but its no longer important. Because now what I really want is that rockstar. I think.
Losing you was either the best thing to happen to me, or the worst.
Oh love, sprinkle me with pixiedust.
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Baby,
You’re the heart of me. You had better be reading this on the plane, or im so not talking to you.
I miss you already. I don’t know how to put everything I feel for you in words, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.
You captivate me. I’m so happy I have you in my world. There’s nobody I’d be happier with. You’re all I’ve ever cared about, wanted and needed.
I know im not the best girlfriend or even a good one, but trust me when I say that nobody has loved me more than you. And I doubt anyone ever will.
I barely know the meaning of the words ‘I love you,’ but you’ve done the most amazing job of showing me, most of all these words fall short. So here it is, Amanda Rachel Johnson LIVES you, duckie.
I couldn’t begin to count the ways I care about you, not from one to ten, or to a million.cos it just wouldn’t be enough. And I wouldn’t know to begin or end. From the tip of your toes to the top of your head, baby, your so fuckin beautiful to me, and perfect.
I haven’t talked about the best part yet, your heart. Despite what you think, youre one of the most amazing, heartwarming people I know. And you bring out the best in me, well usually.
You light a fire inside me that keeps me burning through the long days and nights I’m not with you, lying next to you and breathing you in. You make me feel like I’m apart of something beautiful, something I never want to end. And when im with you, I don’t know when I end or begin.
Let everyone envy me, every other person in the universe, they can only imagine holding you, but its me and (hopefully) only me that gets to hold you. To love you, and not just imagine it.
Youre the real thing babe. As real as it gets. When im near you, nothing else exists or matters. And when you say you love me, I know for an undying fact that im the luckiest person in the universe. No one but you babe.
I love loving you, is what I always used to whisper to you. Im glad you came along, cos through the years of me being the terrible person I am, I know somewhere along the lines I did something right. And youre my proof, the very heart of my being.
Ive never written something like this before, and I hope you’re the only person I ever have to write to.
I wanna be the best for you, but I know I don’t try hard enough.
Ive never wanted or cared for anything or anyone so much before. And with every minute that goes by, I love you more, never did I think it possible. You make every other thing I do to get attention inferior, cos I know that as long as I have your eyes lingering over me, I have all the attention I need. You could never begin to imagine how much you mean to me.
So here I lie, wrapped in your shirt, attempting to bare all. Ive never ever been good at this, and its so scary that you are the first person I’m telling my true feelings to.
I know I didn’t waste 5 years for nothing, of heated arguments, and bitter, empty silences. Cos I got you, and that’s all I ever needed.
Why are you so damn amazing ? I can never breathe when I think about you. The best part about being with someone is never getting enough of that person, and I could never have enough of you, even if I tried.
I wish I new how to transform everything I say to you into actions. But I don’t. I’m a bad girlfriend, cos I don’t know how to be one. One of the many skills I lack.
But youre always so good to me, no matter the hurtful things I throw in your face. You’ve got the most amazing heart in anyone I know. And lying in my sheets, listening to your heart try to escape from your chest, nothing could be more perfect than the moment you kiss my forehead, and whisper the three words that I only want to hear from you. You are the bestest boyfriendy in the whole widey world !!
In the soon to be fifth month we’ve been together, I’ve never loved you more. Its impossible to describe.
You confuse me, you scare me, you worry me but you’re my reason for waking up in the morning, and you always keep me going. Baby, if you weren’t already my life, youd be the best part of it.
Everyday I wait for your call or text, just to escape into our little world that we inhabit together, as lovers. When I hear you, everything disappears. You keep me safe, like a blanket that cant be penetrated, though you don’t know this.
You’re everything to me, and I love you with every teeny bit of me.
All my love today, tomorrow, the days that follow and forever,
Amanda Rachel Johnson.
(I’ll always be your panda boog baby.)
(preferably boog, but whatever. psh.)
(and your naughty lil monkey)
The last letter ever written to you. The only letter I wrote to you, bearing my deepest love. And all for you.
And you carried this letter everywhere with you when you left.
And when you got back, I just realized that I wasn’t made for the hurt you caused me when you were wherever you were.
You were the only one I crossed the line for. Someone I’d do anything for.
And you left me with my heartbroken, with just your everyday cliché.
I needed you so much.
But I knew that you and me were always going to end up not talking. Somehow or other, you and me were just never meant to be together, though we pretended like we were.
I honestly convinced myself that you were the one and that I loved you with the deepest depths of my soul.
Searching around my cupboards for THAT envelope. And I found it. With my letter returned too. I always thought that maybe you’d keep at least a tiny bit of me with you, because even now, I pull out your letter just to reassure myself that someone did love me, and I hadn’t just imagined those 5 months with the boyofmydreams of 5 almost 6 years. And you knew almost everything about me. I think back now and realize that you and me, just ruined what we had by being together.
And I always was so pessimistic about us, that maybe it rubbed off onto the real us.
Or maybe I just loved you so long, that I created this perfect you in my head, and got disappointed by the notsoperfect, but fuckinfantastic you. I made you out to be so damn perfect, that even I forgot my own flaws and pinned it all on you.
But some of the things you did, I won’t give you excuses. I used to find myself justifying your lying, cheating, alcoholic and drugabusive ways, because I was seeing through your bruise and blinded eyes, all the hurt and anger that you made me realize I had inside me, leftover from the years where I was always so strong for everyone that never had to willpower to take on what I could. And I turned that against you, I used the anger that you were trying to rid of, and turned it onto you.
And as I said, I was never a good girlfriend.
Was it out of line, when I said you were the only one, I would take a shot on, keeping me hanging on, so contagiously.
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I compare them all to you. It used to be lewis. And now its you.
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FORGIVE US OUR SINS AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US.
Rage, lust, envy, gluttony, sloth, pride, and greed.
I am rage. I’m the most vengeful person I know. And even I don’t know myself well enough. I scare myself sometimes, with the way I blow up. Even over the tiniest things. Someone once told me, that I conceal all my hurt by turning it into anger. And I lash out at people, because I know no one will help me. The worse thing that could happen is that nothing gets done, and sometimes I want it like that.
I am lust. I refuse to believe in love, and I turn it into lust. It comes down to either making love or having sex. I choose to do neither. But what I know now, that everytime I have sex with someone, they take a tiny piece of my soul, if not a big one. I never realized this before, but that’s what is missing. My soul for the things I love. Every person has taken a piece of me, and I just can’t get it back.
I am envy. I want to deprive people of what joys they have that I don’t. maybe I feel less because others have more. And I’m in denial, because I tell others and myself that I am happy with what I have. Envy or hypocritical, I don’t know.
I am gluttony. I comfort eat. I don’t know how to explain myself in this one. And yet again, I’m in denial.
I am sloth. I’m completely indifferent to other people who need the help that I can offer. I’m selfish, and I just don’t care.
I am pride. I know I’m not perfect, but I never admit fault to anyone, no matter how important they are to me. I ignore the fact that I hurt someone, and choose not to apologize, because I convince myself I’m right.
I am greed. I want everything. I want more than I can have, than I can offer. I expect too much, when I have nothing to offer myself.
I’m starting with pride, I have admitted my seven deadly sins, for everyone to see. Sometimes, I just don’t want to find fault with myself. Sometimes, I feel its because I think I can’t handle it. But I won’t be handed anything I cant handle, and I’ve chosen to ignore that fact for the longest time.
I don’t know where to begin with myself sometimes. I’m scared of myself all the time. I strip and shed everything I think I understand, when I know deep down that I don’t. not even a little. I’m too stubborn to be stereotyped, is what I always tell myself. I prefer to be different from all the other girls. And only one person knows what I really am like.
I’m so over wanting to know how the eye of society perceives me. I come and go as I please, and I build walls around me, walls that no one can get through. There’s always a piece of me concealed in me, and I don’t want to share. I keep things bottled up inside, because I choose to turn it into anger. And I choose to take it out on the people that mean the most to me. Slowly I’m losing everything.
Looking at me, what do you see ?
Yes I’ve lost my mind.
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Its 2 am. I’ve spent the last hour crying my eyes dry. I just miss you so much it hurts. I’m listening to possibly the saddest songs ever written, and they all remind me of you.
Youre my standard for ever loving anyone again.
I couldn’t handle losing you once, and now ive lost you again. I was so scared of getting hurt, that I didn’t realize I was hurting you. And it kills me to think that I cant talk to anyone about it. Not because I don’t trust anyone with it, its just because if I say it out loud, itll make it real. And I don’t want it to be real. Those 5 months with you, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe, well me.
You were always trying to be the best for me, and I took advantage of it.
And now im missing you more than ive ever missed anything before.
It just felt so good to know that I could always fall back on you for anything.
It feels like we both have something to say to each other, but we just don’t want to.
I’d give anything in the world for you to tell me you love me again.
I said I loved you, not because I convinced myself I was in love with you, but because I really did love you. And I still do.
Maybe it just scared me so much to commit myself to you. I’m terrified of commitment, and you made it so real. Real in the sense that I thought I was ready to commit myself to you, something ive never done before. Not even to lewis, I couldn’t bring myself to give him everything, but it was different with you.
I don’t wait for anyone. But I made that exception with you.
I just want things to be real between us again. I’m sorry.
I realized that I never apologized to you for anything I did. To hurt you.
And i knew it hurt you so much, but you just wanted to make me happy.
You always fogged my vision, and clouded my mind with your confessions of undying love for me.
I wish you would just tell me its gonna be alright, cos that’s what always made me feel better when shit was going down.
I used to talk to you about my mum, and I remember you saying, “B, I kesian you. You ade banyak problem.”
And you always tried to help, after a fight or after a cry, you always put that smile on my face. You always made me happy. I still feel that sense of elation when I get a text from you. And I just don’t want it to go away. For a long time.
I find myself pining for you like a lovesick puppy almost everynight, wishing you’d call or text. Now I’m left wondering if we missed out on each other.
Actually, I know I missed out on you.
And I could have lived in bliss without THAT epiphany.
And when you left, you left a hole where my heart should’ve been.
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It took a lot to find the letter he wrote to me. Overturning drawers and everything. And I read it after almost 6 months. It stated numerous apologies that used to make me feel so appreciated and loved.
Maybe he said it to every girl just before he jumps on a plane, taking off without a call.
And when he gets back, he just tells me that nothings changed, except for the fact he found out that he put a bun in some chicks’ oven.
Jamie used to comment on how everyone cheated on me, and soon I realized that’s it’s my fault. Funny to think that my epiphany helped me choose better men. Haha.
But honestly, reading the letter made me realize that I did regret saying ‘yes’ to you. It cost me so much in the long run. All the heartache and pain and I wouldn’t go through that again if you paid me. Sure, I kinda loved you. Or loved thinking I loved someone.
I could never have a decent relationship because I created this fairytale you in my head, so perfect in your flaws. And you turned up nothing like it, disappointing me.
I expected too much of you, I think. Or maybe I had the right. Cos after 5 years of waiting, I have the right to believe that you will sweep me off my feet, and not just knock me out. This fairytale picture in my head of how you and me would be together, envied by every person out there.
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I’m not a serialemoposter but I just choose to spend the better part of my days with the people I care about. And I choose to spend the worse part of my days, just posting it up and not burdening people with them. Some things might have been left out, or just forgotten, as Naomi knows, I’m extremely forgetful. Seriously, ask her.
Here goes.
Lifes been crazy lately. Im as dead as I look, honest. I’ve been a mess lately, so much so I don’t remember what ive done. I’m tired of this everyday routine. I have so many things on my mind that I don’t even know where to start.
I drowned my phone in a bucket of water, which was hysterical. But am currently using daddy’s old N73, and a new number. I just got so sick of some of the people I used to know.
Got tickets for Sunburst, and and backstage passes to meet all of them, and by all, I mean ALL. Vanillasex performed for che’nelle,so I met up with her after. Finally met one of the many men of my dreams, BRANDON BOYD. Left at around 4 a.m, after sending iman to the mamak. Sometimes just never change.
Finally got some things done around the apartment, renovations are finally over, and I actually decided against painting the room, as it took way too much work moving everything around again. The apartment is disgusting, we’re walking in dust inches thick.
Other than all the materialistics, ive gotten in touch with my love for the oldies, again. Elvis Presley is my new man.
Im completely over pretending I want anyone but you. After all this time, the fights, the bad timing, the things ive said, I just need you. Im trying this new thing when I figure out what I really want, and whats good for me. And that’s exactly what you are, amazing for me.
My life has been the biggest rollercoaster so far, a tangle of strings, a freakin candy store. Theres just so much going on, its overwhelming.
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Finally sat and thought about it thoroughly. Men are so heartless. Just thinking about everything I went through with so many people. Its just freakin amazing I haven’t dropped dead. I mean ive only had one real boyfriend, unreal as it sounds, I know.
I was thinking that maybe if you weren’t such an asshole the whole time we were together, we still would be together. You had an amazing way of captivating me through the five years I knew and cared for you. I think back now and talk to Naomi about how you and I used to be so close, that you would just call me all the way from England just to speak to me, to not even acknowledging each others presence. I was in love with you for at least 2 years of my life, and you couldn’t have been a better boyfriend that when you were my friend. It’s just weird how if I ever saw you anywhere now, id walk in the other direction, not because im scared, but just because I don’t even want to acknowledge the fact that your still breathing. We didn’t have a pretty ending, no mutual agreements. But you just had way too many on the side, one in particular. I used to stay home everyday and wonder what they had that I didn’t, what they could make you feel that I couldn’t. I used to imagine loving you for years, and us just being together. but just after 5 months, we were over as soon as we started. You went to England, and I just stopped trusting you.
Then I had this dream where, in 20 years time, I was married to an amazing man, with a gorgeous family. As they went about their daily duties, the doorbell rang. And in my gut I just knew. I opened the door, only to fall into piercing blue eyes. 20 minutes later, we were running down the sidewalk hoping to catch the next train. I’d left my picture perfect life for you, and again you screwed everything up for me. And yet I was so inlove with you.
You and me, we’re like modern society Casablanca.
and even now, I haven’t forgiven you, im completely indifferent to the life of you. Eventhough sometimes, I drown out that little voice screaming that I wish I wasn’t.
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In my 15 years of life, I have never felt so violated. It’s amazing how the actions of another sick person can affect you.
Im being stalked by a man 23 years my senior. A 38yearold man, who lives less that 5 minutes away from me, has been stalking me for the last two years. I’ve known him and his family for over two years, and he has the audacity to do something so vile.
I was friends with him, and we used to talk a lot when daddy lived here. Now that we live here, I used to see him everyday, in the morning, afternoon and everything.
The one day, he tells me he’s got a secret for me. And me, being the naïve child I am, think he’s like a junkie or something not as extreme as what he told me. Of course I tell him im good with secrets. And for the next few days, it completely slips my mind, and I go about what I usually do everyday. Till he calls me down one day, and I bring up the secret, only for him to say he’s building up to it. Finally he blabs on and on about how he used to watch me 2 years back and I shy away immediately, then he says, “I’ve got this major crush on you, it might just be me being silly, but its there, its obvious.” And I burst out laughing, as its my nervous habit. And suddenly, aunty debs comes down.
I was terrified to be alone with a pedophile. I guess I was calm in the beginning, until he started dropping comments about me. I just sat there with a stiff smile on my face, being to freaked out to say anything. I finally excuse myself, when what he said sunk in. And I was quick to jump into the elevator, but of course, he followed me in, and I got out on my floor as quickly as I could. I immediately text Naomi, “omfg. a 38yearold man has been stalking me for two years, he also conveniently told me that he has a major crush on me. ewfuckedyew !”
and of course, Naomi’s reply makes me happier.
“omfg. You serious? Ill call as soon as I can. Tell Mr. Pedophile to go choke on Viagra! xxx”
The next day, I look out my window and he’s staring at me, smiling. I pretend like I don’t see him at all, and he actually stands up to grab my attention. He’s been timing the time I get back from school, and he waits for me everyday.
He knows exactly where I live, and im sometimes scared to be alone in my apartment.
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My record among the teachers is better than last year. My weeks have been terrible, and I hardly even talk to anyone but Naomi.
I’ve lost my passion and inspiration for the things I used to do. I don’t even write anymore. I have no time for anything. I have no time for… me.
I miss how we used to talk about everything. We could talk about boys to eggs, to pigs. Im sorry ive been so caught up, and haven’t made time for you.
Ive got to murder these routines.
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Finally got the chance to see Naomi after like two months. Went to midvalley, of all sad places. We actually wanted to go to OU, but ended up changing our plans, as we didn’t have a ride. During the holidays, we were there everyday day, just sitting in starbucks and smoking our lungs black. And blowing all our money on fraps, and movie tickets. Anyways, we watched Definitely, Maybe. Which was a pretty good movie, I guess. Then after the movie, I wanted to show her one of the best looking boys ive ever met. Gloriajeansboy, introduced to me by my best betch, Idan. He’s one of those hazeleyed, fairskinned, curlyhaired sweethearts. But unfortunately for me and every girl that notices him, he doesn’t bend our way. Sat in gloriajeans for awhile. The met up with Jiffy and Kelvin, and decided to have dinner with them. Jiffy is one of my favourite penispeople ever. He’s the best, I swear. Me and Naomi wanted smoothies, and of course, we stopped at gloriajeans. Then Jiff didn’t call, so we ended up sitting at gloriajeans with gloriajeansboy until mum came. Took a few pictures with him, and Naomi. Talked about guys asses, sex and all the pros that comes with being friends with a gayguy. Left after 45 minutes, cos it started getting boring, and then had dinner with the family at Madam Kwans.
----------
Naomi and Huilyn came over, cos its been ages since we’ve actually spent time together. Watched abit of Hitman, and then headed to the mamak in Phase 2, where two of Naomi’s friends came over, Jason and Ben, from Apiit. Weren’t my kind of people. Went swimming and then Lyn went home. After Jason, Ben and another one of their friends, Ming Da left, me and Naomi headed upstairs to throw ourselves on my bed, for our usual talk.
It was really nice talking to the two of them again. I’m hoping we’ll go back to what we were two years ago, the three of us were inseparable. Whenever the three of us were missing, people would always ask, “Where are those three ? Gone again.” We were always together, around each other. In class, even though I was always a year younger. Because when it was the three of us, we were always lucky to have each other, because I knew no matter what kind of day I was having, that maybe for a few minutes, I’d be lucky enough to be swept into our world of idiocy, to know that we’d be the highlight of each others day. And as we sat in those stupid pondoks, in the scorching heat, with our phones and cigarettes, it felt exactly like it did two years ago.
Then we talked about that day in February, where so much happened. We described it as, our day. And we talked about how the biggest clique was slowly evaporating. Maybe nobody acknowledges that they actually were apart of it anymore, but they were one of the most infamous cliques when I first started school. And now, there are less than 5 of them that are still friends. One’s halfway around the world, two are in different schools, and the rest just don’t give a shit anymore. And we talked about how we could write a book on everything that we’ve been through, and seen, just in our highschool years.
And as we sat in those stupid pondoks, in the scorching heat, with our phones and cigarettes, its felt exactly like in would 20 years from now.
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I guess it’s just ordinary people growing apart. After 4 months, almost beating the record of my longest relationship. Only difference is, I was determined to make this work.
Im not being full of myself or whatever, but I could have my pick of guys, but I usually choose the worst of the lot, except for once or twice. Its perplexing how I always get myself into such stupid situations with the same type of people. And now, is always the time I realize I deserve so much better than a guy who sets his standards so high, when hes not all that great. Hypothetically, of course.
Im sick of being just another girl. Im sick of trying to fix something that’s beyond broken. I’m sick of being so naïve, as to believe everything you say.
My self esteem is just gone. My ego is beyond bruised. And theres just this gnawing feeling in my stomach, a knowing that I’ve let this happen to me again.
Every person I choose has turned up the same. I’m better off with my girlfriends altogether. I told Naomi everything that happened, and she got pissed. Honestly, I’ve never hated someone more in my life, this is a whole new level of hate, even for me. I don’t know if I’m more hurt or pissed off. Its true what they say, you always kill the person you love. And that’s exactly what we all do.
Right now, the anger has taken over, and I know that you are just a pathetic excuse for a boy, let alone a human. The things I said about you, are going to burn right through you. I could be a royal bitch to you if I wanted, but I just don’t care anymore. I’m at that point of exasperation, because I tried to make it work.
All your bullshit about never caring about someone like you cared about me, did you get that from your pickup line book, too ? (: I have every right to go on a freakin rampage, but I’m classier than that. I just wish that sometimes, I hadn’t said what I said, but most of the time, I’m glad I did. Four months is long enough, and I knew this would happen sooner or later. But you do get credit for it happening later, rather than sooner. I used to think I couldn’t live without you, but I was wrong. I could and I can, I just didn’t want to.
So much for, if your not the one. We both know the answer now. Before the day is over, I know the hurt of it all is just going to flow in. It’s like I’m on painkillers after a bypass. I just wish I was heavily sedated. Sooner or later, you’re bound to stop affecting me. We just had a series of fights trailing at our tailbones, threatening to lash out at us anytime. And the fear of losing you is gone, because for now, I wanted it to be.
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We have something way past anything I, or anyone I know has ever experienced. We could be talking while staring at the moon, and we won’t even know it. What I feel with you is just completely different. I like just talking to you about the mundane details of my life, and how you just listen and laugh at me.
Running around half naked with four other people in the room for someone you barely know is actually the worst way to meet someone. Especially if you were watching.
I don’t know why, but I’ve missed you. Like, getting a text from you, its that feeling of warmth that surges through me, making my body buzz with happiness.
And you with your cotton candy tongue, makes me just wanna… bite.
And it’s just funny, cos maybe, I almost love you.
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I’M FINALLY GETTING MY LAPTOP.
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And it finally sunk in yesterday. As I was crawling under the sheets. Cos I’d usually be texting you till I fall asleep, but not tonight. After the afternoon we had, I just wanted to stop caring.
“Iv brokeurheart ke ?”
“Its not important.”
“okay.”
And then I just didn’t reply. 5 minutes later.
“Hahahahahahaha, ttyl.”
“Actually, no. I’m not going to ttyl, I’m not even going to talk to you.”
“Wow. That’s good news.”
“No, actually sweetie, its fucking fantastic news. loves. (: hahah, yea freaking right. XXX.”
“Good, come back for more.”
“That’s a pathetic excuse for a comeback, as you are a pathetic excuse for a specimen of a being. XXXX.”
and then it stopped. I was too pissed off to give a shit after. So I didn’t for the rest of the day. Then I crawled into bed, after a couple of cigarettes, and it hit me. Maybe I didn’t care, but it still hurt. I hate being alone. For 5 months, I was with lewis. and it still felt like I was missing something. With you it was so much different, I could do so much better than you, but I didn’t want to.
Maybe I was kidding myself for four months, but its no longer important. Because now what I really want is that rockstar. I think.
Losing you was either the best thing to happen to me, or the worst.
Oh love, sprinkle me with pixiedust.
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Baby,
You’re the heart of me. You had better be reading this on the plane, or im so not talking to you.
I miss you already. I don’t know how to put everything I feel for you in words, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.
You captivate me. I’m so happy I have you in my world. There’s nobody I’d be happier with. You’re all I’ve ever cared about, wanted and needed.
I know im not the best girlfriend or even a good one, but trust me when I say that nobody has loved me more than you. And I doubt anyone ever will.
I barely know the meaning of the words ‘I love you,’ but you’ve done the most amazing job of showing me, most of all these words fall short. So here it is, Amanda Rachel Johnson LIVES you, duckie.
I couldn’t begin to count the ways I care about you, not from one to ten, or to a million.cos it just wouldn’t be enough. And I wouldn’t know to begin or end. From the tip of your toes to the top of your head, baby, your so fuckin beautiful to me, and perfect.
I haven’t talked about the best part yet, your heart. Despite what you think, youre one of the most amazing, heartwarming people I know. And you bring out the best in me, well usually.
You light a fire inside me that keeps me burning through the long days and nights I’m not with you, lying next to you and breathing you in. You make me feel like I’m apart of something beautiful, something I never want to end. And when im with you, I don’t know when I end or begin.
Let everyone envy me, every other person in the universe, they can only imagine holding you, but its me and (hopefully) only me that gets to hold you. To love you, and not just imagine it.
Youre the real thing babe. As real as it gets. When im near you, nothing else exists or matters. And when you say you love me, I know for an undying fact that im the luckiest person in the universe. No one but you babe.
I love loving you, is what I always used to whisper to you. Im glad you came along, cos through the years of me being the terrible person I am, I know somewhere along the lines I did something right. And youre my proof, the very heart of my being.
Ive never written something like this before, and I hope you’re the only person I ever have to write to.
I wanna be the best for you, but I know I don’t try hard enough.
Ive never wanted or cared for anything or anyone so much before. And with every minute that goes by, I love you more, never did I think it possible. You make every other thing I do to get attention inferior, cos I know that as long as I have your eyes lingering over me, I have all the attention I need. You could never begin to imagine how much you mean to me.
So here I lie, wrapped in your shirt, attempting to bare all. Ive never ever been good at this, and its so scary that you are the first person I’m telling my true feelings to.
I know I didn’t waste 5 years for nothing, of heated arguments, and bitter, empty silences. Cos I got you, and that’s all I ever needed.
Why are you so damn amazing ? I can never breathe when I think about you. The best part about being with someone is never getting enough of that person, and I could never have enough of you, even if I tried.
I wish I new how to transform everything I say to you into actions. But I don’t. I’m a bad girlfriend, cos I don’t know how to be one. One of the many skills I lack.
But youre always so good to me, no matter the hurtful things I throw in your face. You’ve got the most amazing heart in anyone I know. And lying in my sheets, listening to your heart try to escape from your chest, nothing could be more perfect than the moment you kiss my forehead, and whisper the three words that I only want to hear from you. You are the bestest boyfriendy in the whole widey world !!
In the soon to be fifth month we’ve been together, I’ve never loved you more. Its impossible to describe.
You confuse me, you scare me, you worry me but you’re my reason for waking up in the morning, and you always keep me going. Baby, if you weren’t already my life, youd be the best part of it.
Everyday I wait for your call or text, just to escape into our little world that we inhabit together, as lovers. When I hear you, everything disappears. You keep me safe, like a blanket that cant be penetrated, though you don’t know this.
You’re everything to me, and I love you with every teeny bit of me.
All my love today, tomorrow, the days that follow and forever,
Amanda Rachel Johnson.
(I’ll always be your panda boog baby.)
(preferably boog, but whatever. psh.)
(and your naughty lil monkey)
The last letter ever written to you. The only letter I wrote to you, bearing my deepest love. And all for you.
And you carried this letter everywhere with you when you left.
And when you got back, I just realized that I wasn’t made for the hurt you caused me when you were wherever you were.
You were the only one I crossed the line for. Someone I’d do anything for.
And you left me with my heartbroken, with just your everyday cliché.
I needed you so much.
But I knew that you and me were always going to end up not talking. Somehow or other, you and me were just never meant to be together, though we pretended like we were.
I honestly convinced myself that you were the one and that I loved you with the deepest depths of my soul.
Searching around my cupboards for THAT envelope. And I found it. With my letter returned too. I always thought that maybe you’d keep at least a tiny bit of me with you, because even now, I pull out your letter just to reassure myself that someone did love me, and I hadn’t just imagined those 5 months with the boyofmydreams of 5 almost 6 years. And you knew almost everything about me. I think back now and realize that you and me, just ruined what we had by being together.
And I always was so pessimistic about us, that maybe it rubbed off onto the real us.
Or maybe I just loved you so long, that I created this perfect you in my head, and got disappointed by the notsoperfect, but fuckinfantastic you. I made you out to be so damn perfect, that even I forgot my own flaws and pinned it all on you.
But some of the things you did, I won’t give you excuses. I used to find myself justifying your lying, cheating, alcoholic and drugabusive ways, because I was seeing through your bruise and blinded eyes, all the hurt and anger that you made me realize I had inside me, leftover from the years where I was always so strong for everyone that never had to willpower to take on what I could. And I turned that against you, I used the anger that you were trying to rid of, and turned it onto you.
And as I said, I was never a good girlfriend.
Was it out of line, when I said you were the only one, I would take a shot on, keeping me hanging on, so contagiously.
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I compare them all to you. It used to be lewis. And now its you.
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FORGIVE US OUR SINS AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US.
Rage, lust, envy, gluttony, sloth, pride, and greed.
I am rage. I’m the most vengeful person I know. And even I don’t know myself well enough. I scare myself sometimes, with the way I blow up. Even over the tiniest things. Someone once told me, that I conceal all my hurt by turning it into anger. And I lash out at people, because I know no one will help me. The worse thing that could happen is that nothing gets done, and sometimes I want it like that.
I am lust. I refuse to believe in love, and I turn it into lust. It comes down to either making love or having sex. I choose to do neither. But what I know now, that everytime I have sex with someone, they take a tiny piece of my soul, if not a big one. I never realized this before, but that’s what is missing. My soul for the things I love. Every person has taken a piece of me, and I just can’t get it back.
I am envy. I want to deprive people of what joys they have that I don’t. maybe I feel less because others have more. And I’m in denial, because I tell others and myself that I am happy with what I have. Envy or hypocritical, I don’t know.
I am gluttony. I comfort eat. I don’t know how to explain myself in this one. And yet again, I’m in denial.
I am sloth. I’m completely indifferent to other people who need the help that I can offer. I’m selfish, and I just don’t care.
I am pride. I know I’m not perfect, but I never admit fault to anyone, no matter how important they are to me. I ignore the fact that I hurt someone, and choose not to apologize, because I convince myself I’m right.
I am greed. I want everything. I want more than I can have, than I can offer. I expect too much, when I have nothing to offer myself.
I’m starting with pride, I have admitted my seven deadly sins, for everyone to see. Sometimes, I just don’t want to find fault with myself. Sometimes, I feel its because I think I can’t handle it. But I won’t be handed anything I cant handle, and I’ve chosen to ignore that fact for the longest time.
I don’t know where to begin with myself sometimes. I’m scared of myself all the time. I strip and shed everything I think I understand, when I know deep down that I don’t. not even a little. I’m too stubborn to be stereotyped, is what I always tell myself. I prefer to be different from all the other girls. And only one person knows what I really am like.
I’m so over wanting to know how the eye of society perceives me. I come and go as I please, and I build walls around me, walls that no one can get through. There’s always a piece of me concealed in me, and I don’t want to share. I keep things bottled up inside, because I choose to turn it into anger. And I choose to take it out on the people that mean the most to me. Slowly I’m losing everything.
Looking at me, what do you see ?
Yes I’ve lost my mind.
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Its 2 am. I’ve spent the last hour crying my eyes dry. I just miss you so much it hurts. I’m listening to possibly the saddest songs ever written, and they all remind me of you.
Youre my standard for ever loving anyone again.
I couldn’t handle losing you once, and now ive lost you again. I was so scared of getting hurt, that I didn’t realize I was hurting you. And it kills me to think that I cant talk to anyone about it. Not because I don’t trust anyone with it, its just because if I say it out loud, itll make it real. And I don’t want it to be real. Those 5 months with you, I wouldn’t change anything except maybe, well me.
You were always trying to be the best for me, and I took advantage of it.
And now im missing you more than ive ever missed anything before.
It just felt so good to know that I could always fall back on you for anything.
It feels like we both have something to say to each other, but we just don’t want to.
I’d give anything in the world for you to tell me you love me again.
I said I loved you, not because I convinced myself I was in love with you, but because I really did love you. And I still do.
Maybe it just scared me so much to commit myself to you. I’m terrified of commitment, and you made it so real. Real in the sense that I thought I was ready to commit myself to you, something ive never done before. Not even to lewis, I couldn’t bring myself to give him everything, but it was different with you.
I don’t wait for anyone. But I made that exception with you.
I just want things to be real between us again. I’m sorry.
I realized that I never apologized to you for anything I did. To hurt you.
And i knew it hurt you so much, but you just wanted to make me happy.
You always fogged my vision, and clouded my mind with your confessions of undying love for me.
I wish you would just tell me its gonna be alright, cos that’s what always made me feel better when shit was going down.
I used to talk to you about my mum, and I remember you saying, “B, I kesian you. You ade banyak problem.”
And you always tried to help, after a fight or after a cry, you always put that smile on my face. You always made me happy. I still feel that sense of elation when I get a text from you. And I just don’t want it to go away. For a long time.
I find myself pining for you like a lovesick puppy almost everynight, wishing you’d call or text. Now I’m left wondering if we missed out on each other.
Actually, I know I missed out on you.
And I could have lived in bliss without THAT epiphany.
And when you left, you left a hole where my heart should’ve been.
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It took a lot to find the letter he wrote to me. Overturning drawers and everything. And I read it after almost 6 months. It stated numerous apologies that used to make me feel so appreciated and loved.
Maybe he said it to every girl just before he jumps on a plane, taking off without a call.
And when he gets back, he just tells me that nothings changed, except for the fact he found out that he put a bun in some chicks’ oven.
Jamie used to comment on how everyone cheated on me, and soon I realized that’s it’s my fault. Funny to think that my epiphany helped me choose better men. Haha.
But honestly, reading the letter made me realize that I did regret saying ‘yes’ to you. It cost me so much in the long run. All the heartache and pain and I wouldn’t go through that again if you paid me. Sure, I kinda loved you. Or loved thinking I loved someone.
I could never have a decent relationship because I created this fairytale you in my head, so perfect in your flaws. And you turned up nothing like it, disappointing me.
I expected too much of you, I think. Or maybe I had the right. Cos after 5 years of waiting, I have the right to believe that you will sweep me off my feet, and not just knock me out. This fairytale picture in my head of how you and me would be together, envied by every person out there.
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Wow, it wasnt that long. maybe cos i shortened it. Yes, its emo shit.
Deal, Bitches, DEAL.
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