Despite what you think Naomi, you're still my best friend and i don't hate you.
Things have been weird between us this last month because i just couldn't deal, and yea, i shouldve talked to you about it, but i just wasn't ready.
Maybe you think this is for the best, but i don't.
I still love you, seeing as you're the only person who truly actually gets me.
And all the things Ive said to you before, it doesn't change.
Just like your birthday letter.
Maybe i shouldn't have said what i said to you in that message, but i guess i shouldn't have held it in so long. I meant most of it. I did.
I hate how jason gets in the way of everything, and how he twists and turns everysinglething to suit his needs. But enough about him, he is officially a waste of time in my book.

It'd be nice if i could call you and talk things out, cos i think thats whhat we need right now.
And also cos, i cant think of another person i could waste so much time with, and still have it be enjoyable.

I'm sorry, i miss you. :/

Merekalah jakun AGRO saya yang tercinta.

Dear bitchinia.
I miss you.
Ive been going through your blog, and mine alot lately.
I think that runaway plan sounds good.
We're heading over to Kuching in August, a week after trials. We shall sit on your roof, and then smoke with your hooker of a maid.
I feel that distance between us now. Its not like, out of sight, out of mind.
I do really miss you, and as you say, just cos your my cousin, doesnt mean you cant be my bestfriend. And thats exactly what i need right now, a bestfriend.

I'm sorry.
I keep meaning to call. But something always comes up.
Im not saying other things are more important than you, you know thats not true. I just feel like, we're too far away.

I'm currently pissed at my blog.
Its shitty looking.

Bollocks and a half.

Hello, beautiful world.
I'm sorry I've been so scarce lately. Laptop went crazy on me, had to reformat the bastard thing, and i guess I'm just tired.
Not literally, but just mentally.
Ive drained myself completely lately, and at the same time, I've been distancing myself.

Things have been pretty rocky for me lately, so reason, i too, am unsure of.
Just felt that i owed myself a break.
Theres been too much going on lately, that i cant even remember what.
I know the lot of you are probably sick to death of my blog, and constant emorantsandraves, but honestly, i think I've said this before, that I'd rather not write down the good things that happen to me, but the bad, seeing as i wanna remember my scars, cos it makes me feel like i have a past. Sometimes, i just forget.

Yea we're pretty disconnected lately, and I've mentioned this before.
Its not like I'm jealous or whatever, but it feels like i keep losing you to them. To alot of people actually. And I'm too tired to fight anymore. I'm just so exhausted, I've physically, mentally and emotionally drained myself, which is never a good thing. Talking to you last night felt good, but it didn't feel the same. Ive told you so many times, about how I'm so uncomfortable around them, about how insecure they make me feel about you. And i just don't wanna face up to it, by just totally leaving it be. I'm not avoiding you, I'm not trying to say that you don't need other friends, but it sometimes feels like, and I'm not saying this in a mean way, like you prefer them. :/.

Okay enough about that.
Nothing really interesting has been happening lately.
On Sunday, i was in midvalley, and Amy texted asking to meet up with zairi. So, i agreed, seeing as its been like forever since ive seen him and zairi. Sat at the mamak for awhile, then they wanted to eat KFC, i swear the two of them eat like pigs, but are as skinny as sticks, which infuriates me. (Women, next time you wanna say, "Why the hell don't men get FAT ?!" Well, its only cos they don't have a many fat hormones as women, seeing as we have to get preggers.) Shit, that didn't help much did it ?
But at least we can have babies.
Anyways, watched 'A Walk To Remember' the other day, took like 3 days to download. Its been over a year since I've watched it. Remembered that i supposed to send pixie a copy, which made me go through all my fails for that conversation. Which was pretty funny. But yeah, things are different now, i guess. Maybe they aren't, but they do feel that way.

Its a relief to know, that in 6days, I'll be on the way to kuantan with mummy, Sa, and Sam. I mean, its been ages since the last family holiday, so i think they'll be good for us. And besides, I'm thinking of heading up there by myself one of these days, just to clear this over sized head. And probably do what me and Fran did, sleep under the stars infrontve the Hyatt.

Ugh, everythings so frustrating these days. Absolute bollocks.

Random thoughts of the past few days;

I am now officially over you. It took two months, two long months, but i feel better.
I really really really miss Michelle.
I'm beginning to wonder what was so great about you, that you managed to rid of my horrible trait, of jumping from one boy to another in a matter or days.
I'm the tidiest amongst the three of us. Which totally means something, or its the OCD, either one.
I think he likes me, but i cant be sure.
Ugh, I'm so over this shit. If you fucking know people i know, why the hell are you telling me for, fucking wankers.
I am now totally pissed off. Ugh, go fuck your dogs, bitches.

Hello, pretty pretty world.

Ah lifes good.
Well kindof, not as sucky as before.
Im here to blog about the random things ive come up with.
I think I honestly do say the stupidest yet most amusing things.
Chello, this was inspired by your most recent blogpost.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

*watching night at the museum with sam and sasa at home. and the part with owen wilson and that Octavius, or whateverchumacallit come on.*

Me : Duude, if i had them in real life, and got them to play baseball, you know what I'd call them ?
Sasa : What ? Them midgets.. ?
Me : Psh, hells no. LITTLE LEAGUE.
BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.

//

*in the science lab, last year. learning about body functions, and all that shit nobody will ever use in real life.*

Teacher : *blablablaaboutaminals.*
Me : Flo, we're reptiles right ?
Flo : NO. amanda !
Nat : We're warm blooded you moron.
Me : Yea la, reptiles.
Flo : You sad little child.

//

*was with chello and sam at G's apartment in ampang, and were having a smoke behind the gym, when this huge group of boys approach us. one came up to us.*

Random : Nak satu leh ? *points at my ciggie*
Me : Uh, ooookay. *passes him a ciggie.*
Random : What is you name, girl ?
Me : Whats it to you ?
Random : Oh very nice nama. What is you ?
Me : Do i look like a freakin fish to you ?
Random : No, i mean you race.
Me : Serani.
Random : *looks like hes made a big discovery* OH PETANI ! *does that paddyfield actionthingiemajigie.*
Chello : *stares blankly* Gosh, worst pickup line ever.
Me : *shrugs, jumps off wall*

//

*was talking to daddy about the exprinciple. and mummy.*

Me : Ugh, i hate the two of them. Constantly conspiring against me, bullfreakinshit man.
Daddy : Oi, watch what you say, idiot.
Me : Well, im sor-ry. Stupid fat cunt of a headmistress. I hope she gets struck my thunder.
Daddy : *20minslater* Dada, how can you get struck by thunder ?
Manda : Oh shit. Shuttup. Whos side are you on anyway ?

I take pride in the fact that i may not be hotter than you, i am better looking.
suck that. (:
sick and tired of your flakiness.

The only picture i got with arai.

I have yet to blog about saturday, my day out with husband number69, arai !
Had actually planned to go to OU with naomi, but she abandoned me for the love of her life, that being her coachbag, that she has been lusting after for months now. So instead, i remember i had promised a day with arai, and gave him a buzz. Asked jeremy to drop me off at OU, and he did, after dragging me to one of the most scariest places i have ever been to. Walked around OU abit, cos arai wasnt picking up. As i was going up the escalator, i heard a very familiar voice, not welcomed at the time. Turned to my right and saw jason kok, and immediately turned away. I know for an undying fact that he saw me, and failed miserably at grabbing my attention. I wasnt completely over the drama from the night before, and i didnt wanna see or talk to him. Kapt walking till i got to dragonfly where arai was meant to meet me. After twenty minutes of waiting, i wandered off to the stall selling shades, and saw the awesoment pair like ever made. You know the shades that Kanye West wears in the Stronger video, yea bitchen duude, theyve got those.
Finally arai decides to show up, and i gave him the biggest hug ever. Headed to the playground for a smoke and ended up staying and talking for almost 45minutes. Im like really comfy around him, more than ive ever been around any other boy, maybe cos hes so laidback and sempoi. Ive seen arai like a million times, but never had him all to myself for a full day. It was really nice, cos i can honestly talk to him about anything. Walked around alot, holding hands. It was totally innocent, not in the, 'If you hold my hand, im going to snog u within an inch of your life.'
But more in the ahdorable kidiegardener kind of way.
Oh, i bet none of you knew that theres actually a mamak in OU. Yea me neither.
Bumped into fiona, with this huge ass bunchve guys, funny, cos she was the only chick. Afterwards, we headed to the bowlingalley to play pool with fiona and her mates. I beat their asses good, yo.
Left Ou at around 5, after walking around OU for 20minutes trying to find our bearings.
It was a pretty good day, and im glad i spent it with arai.
OHOHOH, arai is the most adorable thing ever, hes pelat.
So now i shall call him, "AGHAI."

My week has just been made. I am ecstatic.

So i got back from school as normal, and jumped into bed like immediately, i think ive been lacking sleep lately, as im like a walking zombie. And im sleeping like a dead person, and then i get shaken awake at 4pm, by sam and mummy, both yelling at me for some reason my brain could not register. So whatevs.
Then i get a call from iskandar, which made me jump awake, and hes like,
"Heyyy !"
"Hey person who stopped calling me *giggle"
"Oh cmon amanda, it was just a day, and i do miss you, *laugh. I wanna see you !"
"Huh ? When ?"
"Now.. ? Im going to midvalley and youre going to be there too."
"I am ?"
"Well now you are. Go take a shower, and i'll be over in twenty minutes."

So i jumped into the shower, and waited for almost an hour for iskandar and Naomi at a bus stop THAT NO BUSSES COME TO goddammit. Finally decide to take a cab, and head to mid myself. Pleasant cabbie, that was. Iskybunny paid for my cab, and then we headed to brewball, the boy looks so amazingly good, i suhwear.
Met up with Iskys friend, Moe, who is like uber cool mann.
Watched them play pool, and then i bumped into aidil, yes that yummeedeliciouseversoedible aidil. Talked and laughed for abit, then Naomi wanted ice cream, so we walked all the way to baskinrobbins talking about iskandar. It broke my heart to see how different he was compared to that pretty convo we had just a day before. After ice cream we headed back to Brewball where Aidil was kicking Iskys butt so bad. Then aidil came up to me and goes,
"I'm gonna win this one for you babe. *pecks."
And i turned red, hahahaha as a freaking tomato. How would you not, im sure it was the heat anywaaaaaaaay.
After finishing with brewball, i took em to the mamak, and we had our Milo and teh o'aises. Ahh, nothing beats a teh o'ais i tell you.
Naomi had to be back by 8, so we piled into Moe's car, and headed out. Of course, we ended up in bangsar, not knowing how to get to Naomi's. Of course, i saved the day and gave oe the right directions to Naomi's place. I was pretty damn proud of myself, as usually my sense of direction is totally rubbesh. Then it was time to send me home, and i was looking all forlorn in the backseat, all aloney on my owney. And the next thing you know, Iskys phone comes flying and almost hits me in the face. Then he's climbing to the back to sit with me, freaking manis of him. I swear ive missed him so much. How he smells and the way he talks. His little laugh. Ugh god, this boy i tell you.
Talked alot, and he held my hand. But I was pretty hesitant, cos I'm so not willing to go through shit all over again. Ended up laughing at Moe screaming at us, asking for directions. So they sent me home, and Isky really had to pee. So i took him to bathroom by the pool, as hes still terrified of mummy, Heelahrious i swear. (:

And now i dont know what to do anymore.
Araff still has my heart in his pocket, but Isky's slowly inching his way back into my life.

Gosh, so fucking confusing.

So isky's been back since Wednesday.
And i was completely ecstatic.
So i tried calling him like twice one Thursday, but no avail.
And i gave up.

Then last night, he was online, and he asked for my number, saying that he didn't have it.
And he called.
Omg, hes so... English. And we talked, theres so much catching up to do, and i was so happy talk to him. Like how it used to be 2 years ago. It felt so good.

The nostalgia's there. fo sho.

"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you."

-P.S; i love you, Gerard Butler.

Quote of the day.

Izzati says ; Pompuan ni melayu, tapi nak berpoyo tak uh. hahaha.
Manda says ; Tak sedar diri uh tuu.
Izzati says ; Tau takpe. I live in bandar kinrara, puchong, LONDON, lah ni. Hesh.


BWAHAHAHHAHA.

Hello.
I don't think Ive been this repulsed since Suraj, 38yearoldstalkerpervert. Of course i don't notice the holding of hands as when i sleep, im as if dead.
Erlackapongoes.
Okay, now I'm going to start on my blab fest, bear with me, i was almost taught to sew today.
Cheer08 is almost here, Sasa's competing. When i was in form 1, i was all for cheerleading. I ate, slept and drank it in like every other girl i knew. form2 and 3, i got over that phase, and started hanging around what they called themselves, 'The Thurzdayhz.' Long story short, i got in touch with the rougharoundtheedges, paranoid, selfmedicator in me. It wasn't the prettiest phase i went through, but it wasn't the worst either, cos in that time i found out so much about myself
and the fighter inside me. And i found Naomi, who made high school so much easier to put up with. I'm still going through that psycho bitch phase, but it seems to be wearing off, which makes me wonder what phase I'm climbing to now. Goddammit.
I'm usually so hands on about everything, i noticed that because i handled all the shit Ive been through so much better than alot of people i know. Everything Ive been through wouldve turned your normal 15yearold crazy and maybe even earn them a trip to the bottom of a few dozen bottles. Ive been there before, not once or twice, but a few times already. But all these things have actually helped me, its made me stronger, and believe it or not, a better person. I'm beginning to uncloud my judgement.
I think youre the third person Ive gotta thank for this. Besides Naomi and mum. After you, i changed completely. You made me realise and embrace so many things, without even fearing the worse. At the same time, you made me feel so comfortable, lightheaded.. happy. Its you babe, all you.
Now that you've been made victim to my 15yearold hormonecrazed, overemotional social trash rantsandraves, I'll start on something else.
I pulled a muscle in my back a few days ago, in my sleep. Don't ask me how, cos I'm still trying to figure out. Woke up with this sharp pain in my back, so much so i could barely walk without wincing in pain. Now Ive got this medicated plaster on my back, which threatens to peel off my skin every time i need to change it. Sacre bloody bleu.
We had the most annoying 6yearold known to humanity staying with us. Mums colleagues daughter. Mum just had to be nice and take her in. Ergh, That child is so spoilt and inquisitive. I don't think Ive ever wanted to hit someone till their unconscious, until of course, i met this kid. Dear god, i almost threw her out my window when i walked into my room after my shower to find her sitting at my laptop, mindlessly hitting buttons. Her rents really need to work on having another kid, divorced or not.
I write alot cos i use it to fill the void that's been building inside me, for some reason I know nothing about. I just love seeing my thoughts come to life, literally in black and white.
Right now, everything seems irrelevant, insignificant. Not to the point of complete indifference, but pretty damn close. I'm in a daze, like everything i do just flies past my head. I can barely carry a decent conversation without falling all over myself, or getting distracted. I used to speak with such confidence that even in a crowd of 20,000 people, if i concentrated hard enough and talk to myself, the bodies slowly disappeared. Somewhere along the line, I think a big part of me just gave up and crawled into oblivion, waving that white flag. I think it was that part, that i left with you.

; && people keep telling me that Ive wasted my life on all those irrelevant things, but maybe, just maybe, i should've been wasting it away with you, with you.

Sometimes i feel like you and me have done nothing but grow apart. Like we've been so close for ages, and we grew up together. i guess being in different places does have its pros and cons, but the cons are definitely overruling this one.
Sometimes i feel like you and me have nothing left. We have nothing much to talk about now, cos we're both so busy with everything. You with school, and how things are going with you. I'm happy for you. I really am. I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but it feels like you have no time for me anymore. I know we still spend alot of time together, but its not like before.
People just keep getting in the way of everything, and its tiring cos i just honestly wanna know whats going on with you. Like whats on your mind. Thats it. Nobody means more to me.
And to top it off, I'm still swallowing the fact that maybe you have alot more in common with her than me.
I dont know anymore. But lately, things are going good, for both of us, and it just makes me wonder if thats gonna affect you and me.
I'm over analyzing everything i guess, but still, it makes me think.

Sasa has started calling me aunt agony, cos I've been helping jason and Naomi, and obviously eavesdropped on our conversations, cos shes like, "How come you can work on other people's relationships, but not yours and araff's ? Like seriously dude, I've never seen you like this over some boy before, put your advice into action, freaking hypocrite." She then pats me on the head and smiles. Sometimes i cant figure her out. Hilarious uh.

We've been talking alot lately, and it still gets me all lightheaded when i get a text from you. You make my heart jump like its on cocaine, and i love the feeling. You're the only person whose ever made me feel that happy. When i talk to you, i get so excited and i don't stop laughing. It feels like one of those high school crushes(I know im in highschool, bot you do watch tv, right ?), where i get all giggly. But yes, you make my day almost everyday. The thought of you makes my heart go crazy.
I've always known you were the real thing. (: