mm, hey.

So i'm happy.
Are you ?

So yesterday was fun. Hell loads of fun.

I'll start from the
29/08/08.

Kim and Naomi came over, and chilled. Took loads of pictures, seeing as its been awhile,since Kimanaomism has got together. Kim fucked my bear, but thats besides the point.
Chilled here and there for abit, then decided to go swimming.
The pictures, however, will never see light of day on my side, and that is le fact.
Talked and laughed, as per usual, always surprising random people with our never ending antics.
Kim had to head home, so me and Naomi headed to the mamak and chilled. Had a few tehoaises, and laughed.
Then one of the workers came up to me and said that the bald guy a few tables back said hey.
I just said hey back.
Turns out hes that dude from Ahli Fiqir or however the hell you spell it.
Got kinda irked, as he was atleast a head shorter than me(not that i have anything against short people. i absolute love funsized M&M's!), and was so.. rempit, rapist looking. I mean yea, it might come in handy, if i need him to fight off armed midgets.
Headed home, and asked if Naomi wanted to stay over.
So she did.
Was online while she talked to the exboyf. Then, started talking to Iskhandar Jaffrey online. Apparently, the hottest boy ever. Not. hahaha.
He got real jealous that Naomi was talking to Jason. But whatevs.
Talked a hell load, and smoke even more.
Then we got tired.
And as you all know, the woman talks absolute bollocks when shes falling asleep.

Naomi; Is there a topshop nearby ?
Me; Yea, in mid.
Naomi; No, in Japan.
Me; We're not in Japan la fool.
Naomi; *snores*

I laughed like hell la.

30/08/08.
Woke up at 9 in the freakin morning, to Naomi blowing her nose. Took a shower, and chilled for abit. Decided that I'd crash at Naomi's. Cos i wanted to head out with them that night. Lazed about practically the whole day. Then got dressed at around 3. Took our time, cos we were only leaving at 5. Decided to wear the Giordano's and the white top. Was contemplating the Fed, but decided against it. Threw on my Converse, and before we knew it, it was 5.
Got to the Curve at around 5.40, and headed to buy ciggies. Then headed to our usual table in Starbucks. Chilled there, then decided to walk around for abit, saw nothing interesting, then Naomi wanted Baskin Robbins. Grabbed a table outside. And watched the sky turn black.
Called Mia, and she told us to head to Empress Cafe, where Nana had booked a table. On the way over, bumped into Burn and Sam.
Walked them to wherever they were going. Bumped into Sofia, and she told us Nana all were already at the table. Got there, and went on a hugging spree. Met Nigel, and a few of his friends. Nice boys, i say. heh.
Chilled abit, and got kinda bored.
Blablabla, drama. Met up with Gee and Kat, seeing as me and Puteri were alone. Chilled with the monkeybutts for awhile.
Got abandoned by Puteri. So it was just the three of us.
Walked around.
Okay, blablabla, drama.
Bumped into Immy and Superweed, while watching the fireworks. Its been like, ever since ive seen them.
Finally headed into Mystique, the place was shady as hell. Not a place i would recommend, but whatevs, it was fun.
Danced alot, on stage too. Wanted to take over the pole, but people were all over it. And it didnt look very... hygenic.
Im pretty damn proud of myself, cos i only had like a bottle of beer.
Usually, i wouldnt be walking straight.
Kickin the habit, y'know.
Left Mystique at around 2, and walked all the way to 711, from like, the other entrance. Everything was closed up. But there were still loads of people around.
Bumped into Tija while walking. Stood around and talked awhile. Then decided to head off.
Got back to Naomi's at around 3, and totally konged.

This, pretty much sums up my Merdeka.
Nothing great. But good enough. (:

So, ive changed my mind.
Im definitely staying single for awhile. A long while.
No man is worth it.
Ive learned this the hard way.
And, instead of making the same mistake i always do.
Im gonna learn from this. And not think twice.

Unintentional ?
Oh baby, quit wasting my time.

mm, hey.
so, ive been going through my blog, and i know all ive done is be emo. I got alot going on, but imma push that aside for awhile.
But through everything, Chinia, has been amazing. I dont know what i'd do without you. (Actually, id do quite abit, like tell people that i'm gonna eat them. Anywhoo..) We've had some pretty funny conversations lately. And stop smoking so much, fool. If you died, it'd kinda suck. Youre pretty much all i have.

Me; Dude, who invented clothes ? Like, i mean, we was born naked, and sometimes we die naked, if we die in the bath that is. Its that freakin adam and eve's fault. Who, by the way, i also blame for the bleeding through the vajayjay situation. They just had to succumb to their temptations.
Chinia; Youre right. Who did invent clothes ? Hey, wanna take credit for it ?
Me; Who was the idiot who invented the needle and the thread, I could be happy walking around the world naked, but nooo. We could take credit for it, but my mums been wearing clothes for awhile now, and shes pretty ancient.
Chinia; Duh, we'll hide her in the closet.
Me; Whatt about your dad ? Hes like, antique.
Chinia; Goddammit boog, we'll hide all the grownups in the closet.
Me; No. Not a good idea. A big bunch of sexually deprived people, in a closet ? They might make babies, and clothe them, poof, there goes our shot. Ive seen your mum, she looks pretty sexually deprived.
Chinia; EW, BOOG. THATS SO DISTURBING. I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT MY MUMMA DOING IT.
Me; *dies laughing*
----

Me; I'm not paying attention to you, Im busy watching a crazy old woman, in a lime green dress, yell at an old indian man. She doesnt even know him. Omg, theyre fighting. Its like, an old people fight. Shit, she hit the gardener. Now shes running ! Really slowly.. oh, its cos she cant go any faster.
Chinia; Boog, what the fuck ? *dies laughing*
-----

I think, by far one of the funniest conversations ive had with her. So ive got my sampan ready, my compass, my geo textbook, food, water, and a few other things, and i'm coming to get you. All the stuff your bringing, but my textbook is form 1,2 & 3, so it'll work better. We should meet at midpoint. Its gonna take awhile, seeing as i'll probably get lost the minute i step out of the door. And by the way, when i say midpoint, i really mean SoCal. We gotta snag ourselves a few american rocker boys, and row ourselves home. After everything we've been through, we owe ourselves a road / river trip.. or whatever this is.



you, are unprepared, for anything that you think might work, or care for you. Youre always so hot and cold with me. And sometimes, i wanna tell you it isnt worth it.
you, have stopped caring. Its hurts alot more to know, that if it wasnt for what he said, we might still be together. 7months and 6days. Yea, would you have guessed ? Sometimes, i get those glimmers of hope, and thats enough to keep me going. There are just a few scars left. And i wanna keep that with me, only letting go when im ready. Youve helped me be a better person for the next person who comes along, its gonna take awhile, though. But it sucks that youre not with me, to see the change youve made.
you, are the one who fucked everything up. If it werent for you, i'd be really happy now. So you, are my biggest regret of '08, no scratch that. you are my biggest mistake ever. You were almost my betsfriend, and im so freakin happy that didnt happen. You, are a mistake i will never ever make again. Oh and, your new 'chick,' looks abit like the ex, dontcha think ? (;
you, are one of my bestfriends. And im content with that, youve made it clearly youre not. Im not ready to tell you everything, yet, anf you cant keep saying youll never get over me. Honestly speaking, i'll never trust you fully with my heart again. If i could go back in time, i would do it again. But i'd do everything the same. Those 5months, taught and prepared us. And for that, i adore you.

They say, old habits die hard.
They were right.

I stopped, i knew i did.
But lately, nothing feels better than falling back into my comfort zone.
Dangerous as it seems, it's the best thing ive done all year.
Yet, it reminds me so much of the shit i went through last year, and the year before that.

This year, ive been trying so hard, to morph into that person that everyone expects me to be.
Tired of always disappointing people, i decided to do some good for them.
Only for everything ive pushed aside for so long, to pile up on me, three times worse.
I thought i left all this behind, with that morethanfuckedup chick, that i promised i would never be again.

Changing was harder than i thought it would be, escaping everything that i thought was good for me.
But, i soon forgot.
Is this some sort of way to remind me, of everything that i went through ?
I always say; I dont want to forget, cos i want that past.
But, now i realise, it wouldve been so much easier to just let go, and forget.

I contemplated going back, so many times.
But always had my better judgement take over.
It was this way for the longest time.
Till today.

;You wont get better,
till youre worse, yea you.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=334699158

This here, adored readers, is why people like us need medication.
This whore here, is one helluva grotsky little bitch.
(;

Like seriously.
Wtf.
This is like the third fucking time in a month.
Myspace users are such fuckholes.
You cant take good pictures, then fuck you.
Dont get off stealing mine, ugly fucks.
Ugh, i could sue you for identity theft.
Funny thing is, I know who two of you are. (;

mm, hey.

so Ive been pretty disconnected lately.
I have my reasons.
Okay, no, i don't.

Ive been so preoccupied lately, eventhough Ive hardly gone out.
I mean it is the holidays, but I havent seen the person I wanted to see the most.

So here come my overdramaticteen rants and raves.

Ive been so distant lately, cos well, I'm starting to realize that maybe if i kept my mouth shut enough, things wouldnt fuckup as easily. Mom thinks Ive got severe anger issues, and i know this. I dont know, its really weird, maybe i have that extra x / y whatever chromosome. I'd be completely happy for a moment, then suddenly, i get all pissy. I'm not making sense.

But I keep drowning out all my problems. Thinking about it, I think I'm just too damn tired to care anymore. I cant handle anymore drama than Ive already got going on. Too much drama can kill a person, and i think part of me already did die.
Somewhere along the lines, where i was too caught up, fighting someone else's fight, this tiny part of me got lost.

And all of this wanting everything i know i can never have, but nearly killing myself in the attempt to grasp it. Its like i put myself out of line, just to try and fulfil that want, but never really getting it.
And why are relationships so hard ?
Cos being alone is the only harder thing.
And it hurts so bad, to know that either way, your heart still gets smashed.
What about, those few moments that i dont grab ahold of, only to look back and say, that couldve been one of those lifechanging moments.
Every moment counts, and how many could you say changed your life ?
And we wait on those things might never happen in the first place, cos we're too scared to let go. The thought of letting go, is enough to make us breakdown.
We, are so delicate. That we could fall apart so easily.
When people kill themselves, is it fair, for them to be condemned ?
Or when people make the wrong decisions, and are judged and ostracized for it ?
Shouldnt the judgemental ones, be persecuted for it ?
As they say, only god can be judge.
And we are always being told to take control, charge, of our lives.
Isnt ending it, or making bad choices, apart of taking control ?
And that fear, of never knowing who, or what we are, may eventually kill us.
That fear of losing ourselves, while trying to chase our dreams.
Not being able to tell which is more important, losing ourselves but achieving everything we ever dreamt of, or being ourselves and eventually begin to self loathe when we realised we could have done what we wanted to.
And that self destruction steps in.
And the hate you have for yourself just eats you alive.
Till youre nothing.
Those scars wont go away, and we all know it.

I, have been pretty empty these past few days.
And im not used to feeling so numb.
So, forgive my random outbursts.

To him,
Dont you realise, how much this has stopped hurting ?
Clap your hands till your fingers break, arent you glad of your achievement ?
Dont you look away when i cast your those glances, arent you proud, of what youve put me through, all these years ?
Throw another my way, it wont hurt as much as it did the first time.

And you,
Ive been missing you these past few days, and i dont know why.
Things werent all bad went we werent talking.
But now, things are alot harder than they were a couple months back.
Maybe its those whatifs, and maybes.

I'm tired of letting my heart get broken.
Was talking to Ashley the other day, and he thinks I'm lucky, to have all the chances i have.
I, disagreed. Telling him that i made those chances happen.
Which got me thinking, if i didnt, would i still be in this mess ?

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.


1.If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say?
Kissing the lipless

2.How would you describe yourself?
Love will come through

3.What do you like in a guy?
Lady in the blue dress.
HAHAHAHA WTF ?

4.How do you feel today?
Hey ho, lets go.

5.What is your life's purpose?
Missing you

6.What is your motto?
Rum is for drinking not burning.

7. What do your friends think of you?
after hours.

8.What do you think of your parents?
the hell song

9.What do you think about very often?
twenty twenty surgery

10.What is 2 + 2?
destroyer

11.What do you think of your best friend?
rest in pieces.

12.What do you think of the person you like?
always

13.What is your life story?
reoffender

14.What do you want to be when you grow up?
afterlife.

15.What do you think of when you see the person you like?
easy target.

16.What will you dance to at your wedding?
bang bang, your dead.
HHAHAHAHAHA.

17.What will they play at your funeral?
cute without the e.

18.What is your hobby/interest?
anna molly.

19.What is your biggest fear?
Juicebox.
HAHAHAHA, duude.

20.What is your biggest secret?
Getting away with murder.

21.What do you think of your friends?
Black mamba.

22.What will you post this as?
are you in ?

Mm, hey.
I have yet to tell you about my outings.
With kim, and er. I forgot.

So, on thursday, mumma was heading to OU, to meet u with her girlfriends.
Yea, my mumma has those.
So called kimmy, and asked her to meet me there, as i was dying for a day with the Sexxgodd.
Got there, and realised how shit i really am at directions.
I, have always known that i am absolute shit at it, but that day, just totally redefined it.
Headed to PHOP, man the stuff there is divine.
Sat there for abit, and talked about everything.
Its been ages, love. Ive missed you.
Then we headed off, and shopped.
Planned on undie shopping, but we couldnt find any diamond studded thongs.
Found a gorgeous corset, no shit.
Black and white, 500 bucks.
That would put a dent in the trust fund.
Ah, i adore days with this woman, seeing as all we do is bitch.
She left around 5.30, and then i met up with Nana, Sukim and Leeny.
Oh oh ! I also bumped into Syaiful, and Danial. I think theyre stalking me.
Didnt get to see Helmi, im guessing cos he was running away with some chick.
The boys hottstuff, dont mess.

Chilled with Nana and Sukim, took loads of pictures.
While Leeny was busy with her boyf. That chick says funny shit man.
Decided to play baseball, against a machine.
It still counts.
I have no ball sense, whatsoever.
And i mean that in a totally nonsexual way.
I ticked the ball though.
It counts, okay. Shut your faces.

Headed home after, only to find Godma there.
Scary, as she knows of all my escapades.
From none other that my mutti.


Today;

Watched, 'Dont mess with the Zohan.'
Its not bad, i wouldnt recommend watching it in the cinema, as its censored as hell.
Afterwards, Sa and Jamtart wanted to watch 'The Dark Knight,' so i decided to stay back while mumma and the rest headed to Amcorp.
You honestly think i would rather go to Amcorp and look at porcelain ?
No thanks. Id rather slowly bleed to death.
Didnt think of the part, where i would be alone till about, 6 in the evening ?
That would mean, about 4hours, running around alone, or as Pixie says, like a lost pup.
Walked around, and got bored real fast.
I guess i do need entertainment.
So i was calling all sorts of random people. Finally decided on talking to Chinia, whom i love most.
Had a pretty damn funny conversation.

Chinia; Has she told him about all the sex, and basically what a skank shes been ?
Me; Hahaha, probably not. It might suck for him. Cos he never talks about it, or minds it.
Chinia; Yea, hes pretty holierthanthou. He might run away screaming.
Me; Oh he already has. But he runs back screaming even louder.
Both of us; *dies laughing*

Chinia; I cant multitask man, its really confusing trying to read and talk to you.
Me; Chinia ! Ouch.
Chinia; But ill talk to you anyways.
Me; I was hoping you'd say that. If not, i might eat Edward Cullen and you--
Chinia; What you giving me the silent treatment now ? Fine, i can do it too.
Me; Chinia, im not--
Chinia; Fine.
Me; YOU STUPID IDIOT. IM TALKING TO YOU.
Chinia; Oh, now you wanna talk to me ? I thought you were giving me the silent treatment.
Me; What the hell gave you that idea ?
Chinia; You said it.
Me; No i didnt.
Chinia; Well why werent you saying anything ?
Me; I was.... OH DUDE, your phones busted, you moron.

Chinia; *blablabla about something i forget*
Me; Whoa dude, you hurt my brain. Real bad. I think i have really bad brainfreeze. Ouch.

Then i had CoffeeBean, and went home.

Chinia, your rents suck man.
Your mummas bumming on my couch, and you aint here.
How messed up is that ?
I miss you. (:
And i might take you up on that sampan offer, and we shall row to SoCal, together.
Hoyea, baybee.

I miss Naomi.
Get your arse back from Japan, laydee.
(:

And you, are my safe place,
in this unsafe world.

I fucking hate your exboyfriend with a passion now.
Reconciliation is out of the question.
I wont ever forgive him for this.

To think that i actually trusted you, over him, amazes me.

I'm sorry, you.
Lets go back to the beginning ?
Please.

Naomi says; You know that day i broke up with Jason ? Yea, Adieb said he saw them, he was like, "Ah, laki tu kelapa die macam telur."
Me; You are aware that you just said his coconut looks like an egg, right ?


Bitchinia; WTF ? What assholes.
Me; I know, so im talking to you and eating chicken rice.

You, son of a fucking bitch.
What the fuck gives you the right to dictate.

Fuckin cunt end.

And you, motherfucking whore.
Why dont you, go throw yourself off a fucking building.
The two of you fucking deserve each other.

mm, hi.

I, am officially dead bored.
so, ive been awake for over 3 hours now, insane as it sounds, seeing as its the holidays.
im so weird goddammit.
i must admit, i havent fully gotten raden out of my system.
ugh, erlackapongoes.

Anywhoo,
I liked that little conversation with you.
It was really nice.
Honestly, it seemed like, i would never be talking to you again.
But im glad we are.

On another note,
i have a feeling today is going to be a good day, (well besides, being awoken at 9 in the morning by naim, asking me to go to the mamak with him, then him trying to force me to 'try' his superbike. its high as hell, and anyone who knows me, would know that im absolutely terrified of speed and height. I cant even look over the banisters when im at school. That should give you somewhat of an idea of my LEGITIMATE FEAR. thanks)

Ah, the joys of having a laptop.
the power just got cut, and its still on :D

okay im hungry.

Okay, so ive had like enough of totally disgusting and potentially STD carrying boys.

Like, since when is it alright, to follow a chick through a mall for over an hour ?
You think this normal ?
I didnt think so.
Since when is it alright, to hit on your customers, and sneakily slip your number on the coaster that carries the customers(okay mine) (very alcoholic) drink ?
And then, to hit on both you and your cousin.
You think thats ethical ?
Mm, i didnt think so either.

Like seriously, what are men coming to nowadays ?
Im not being a chauvinist or anything.
Women do some crazy fuckshit too, but i mean, cmon man.
This is just down right sickening.

Okay yes, im beyond embarrassed to admit to this right, but like when Chinia was down, we were chilling at Secret Recipe one day.
Then this waiter (no offence intended, no shit. I love busboys / waiters. Have you met my ahdorable friend, billy ? But theres like a total limit, to friendliness and downright harassment.)
Raden, was totally hitting on me, while i waited for Chinia.
Like totally ignored him, but talked to him, seeing as i was alone for over an hour ?
Got a few free drinks, and im not complaining on that part.
But then, Chinia arrives, and we have cake and shit.
Blablabla, we meet up with Raden after.(do not ask me, or Chinia why we did this.) His behaviour, fucking repulsive.
I wont go into details, but im prety weird myself, so when i say something's repulsive, you can trust me on it.
Makes me shudder, even thinking about it.

Now, he has found me on friendster.
Happyhappyjoyjoy. Not.
And he keeps sending me comments / messages, insisting that i 'hello' him back.
Did his fucking brain fall out of his fucking nostril ?
Thought so.

Its utterly appalling how people can reach such a low level of... ugh-ness.

mm, hey.
so, Ive had a pretty good day.

Stayed up till one, on the phone to Lew, talking about really stupid shit lastnight. It was pretty damn hilarious actually.
Then, i went to sleep.

Kept waking up at 7, 8 and 9 in the freakin morning. I'm so used to waking up early in the morning for school that i cant even sleep in over the weekends. Which is pretty damn stupid. Anyways, forced myself back into bed, and slept till 10.
Dragged myself outta bed for a shower, and then headed off to church.
Got back at around 2, after lunch, and called Lew.

About an hour later, Qho and Lewis are on my doorstep.
Sat around for abit, and talked, played Counterstrike and Daytona.
It was pretty nice, cos i haven't done that since, well, we broke up.
Tried calling John a million and ten times, but he never picked up.
So we stop calling and headed to the mamak in phase 2.
Had a few smokes, and my daily dose of tehoais, that i absolutely liiiiive for.
John finally picked up, and asked how to get my my place. Was so happy, seeing as the last time i saw John, was at Naomi's thing. And that was briefly.
Waited for John for like, ever. Then he called, telling me he was lost.
Made him speak to a few other random people, seeing as, as you all know, i am absolute shit at directions. He made his way to midvalley, (yes, i don't know what directions to give from midvalley to my place, even though its less than 10freakinminutes away. I'm that hopeless.)
Sent Lew and Qho to pick him up, and they were back in half an hour.
Sat with them by the pool, and talked rubbish, and laughed loads basically.
Ive missed them so much, and it got me thinking, to how i grew apart from so many people i was so close to, and well.. loved.
Stole Lew's vodka, cos he was being a moron and drinking in my room. Its still in my bar thingie, which nobody but members of my family can open, cos nobody's bloody smart enough. ( Yes Qho, its got this secret knocking code that nobody but blood relatives know. )
Bummed around for abit, then he wanted to shove off.
Was pretty ticked at first, seeing as i spent such little time with them, but walked them out anyway. Barefooted, no shit.
Ended up sitting by the guardhouse with them while they waited for a cab. Ugh, idiots shouldve just called one ! (I mean this is the most loving way possible)
Lewis ended up leaving after them, cos there was something he 'needed' to do, silly child.
Turns out, the thing that he needed to do, was talk. To me.
He brought up like everything we went through, and how awkward the day had been, when truthfully, it hadn't been. By then, i was beginning to feel squirmy.
Caught him a cab, and sent him on his way.
The minute i turned around, he called. So, ended up talking about almost everything.
Assuming that i would've changed after we broke up, but i didn't. And I'm not ever going to change, cos this is who i am, and I'm happy with that.
I guess its hard, when you build this person up in your head, to perfection, and they don't really meet your expectations. And I'm sorry, that i didn't meet your assumptions, Lew.
But, i guess it takes time, to get over it.
We didn't work as a boyfriend / girlfriend, thingiemajig, but we work so damn well as friends, I don't wanna jeopardise that again. You, will always be my bestfriend, and you know you'll always have that piece of my heart, but that's about it. I'm sorry.


//


Yesterday. 16/08/08.
So yes, woke up pretty damn early, and called Naomi, seeing as i was bored.
She asked if i wanted to babysit her foreignexchangejapanesestudent. Was pretty hesitant at first, but figured, hey, i might need help with some random kid one day too. (:
Asked her to pick me up in twentyminutes, after my shower. Headed to bangsar, but apparently no boutique in bangsar takes her credit card. So we headed to OU, and walked around for abit. She had this lunchthingie with her classmates, so i chilled by myself for awhile. Had lunch at italiannies byself, with a side of russian truffle. Totally alcoholic, and delish.
Sometimes a girls gotta treat herself, y'know !
Met up with naomi again, after i was followed by like, a pack of rempits. Totally grossed me out, but whatev. Met up with Tija, which i thought was going to be awkward, seeing as we had this sortofbutnotreally episode a few weeks back.
But it was alright.
Then we headed to our usual spot, at the bleachers. And turns out, there was this stupid futsal tournament, which was really random. (Okay, maybe not so. It is, after all, a futsal court thingie.)
Chilled there, then i saw Armand. But he was acting all bitchy, so i fucked it over in the end.
Oh ! Called helmi, and turns out he was there too.
I was so happy, then we met up. And i walked with him for abit.
Cant begin to imagine how much ive missed him.
Got a drink together, and headed to the playground. It was really nice, talking to him.
I mean, ive got this huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge(timesabillion) crush on this kid. And ive had this for like, over a year, and we both kinda (had / have / whaat ?) this thing. I suhwear, he gave me like, the most romantic kiss of my entire life, or atleast what ive lived so far. Its like, whenever im around him, i get like butterflies. And i swear, i could like drown in his eyes. Hes got like the most beautiful brown eyes ive ever seen. The way he canvased me when we met up, made me feel all fuzzy inside. And it was a feeling i welcomed. mm, and hes one of the nicest boys i know. Totally respectful, like ol' school respectful. And i totally dig that. Cos im so sick of just having an averageeveryday boy, y'know.
I dont know, maybe i'll keep working on this.

15/08/08.
Finally got my new phone. I actually wanted to get the new V9, but it was like, 500bucks out of my budget, so i settled on the Sony Ericsson W380, which is just as well. I think, its like super pretty. And i finally got my flip phone !
Oh, and theres something wrong with my sim, that i cant transfer / view my contacts, so i need all your numbers. Give me a call, or text yea ?


That pretty much sums up my first few days of holiday. Its been pretty good so far, and I'm liking the idea of a week off.
Anyways, i need a long overdue shower, and some nourishment.

Dont you see, how good we could be ?

Oh bitchinia !
American rocker boys ?
You know my weakness !
I love you.

Tomorrow, i have arts.
Easy peasy, and i needa score in this shit, if not i cant get into arts stream next year. Bollocking bollocks.

Mm, then im off for a week.
I think the only reason im looking forward to the holidays is cos i dont have to go to school.

Luqman texted me yesterday, after like 2 months of not talking.
It was kinda awkward at first, then i realised i missed him.
Been talking to Lew every night, and he thinks i treat him like a parent, cos i dont open up to him.
I will in time, but ive gotta lick my wounds first, okay ?

Am totally failing math, and history, possibly geography too.
Which isnt good, considering this is my trials.

I think i have the world's worst english teacher, in the history of teachers.
Like, no shit.
She was reading from this passage thingie;
"Nigel mourned his fathers death." Was the sentence.
What she said was,
"Niggerl moaned his fathers death."

I almost, fell off my chair.
She is by far, the stupidest fucking piece of shit i know.

She set the trial papers right, and gave two answers for each question, then she blabs about how its a trick question, and marked me wrong.
I actually did research, and i was right, Goddammit, i could teach her fucking english.

And you, you still think that hes the one you should trust ?
Okay then, go ahead. Its not my heart on the line anymore, its yours.

I'm finally convinced that everyone who walks around me, is less than human and completely heartless.
Its like, they have this gaping hole, right through their chest.

Or is that just me ?

Denial. Something we're all so guilty of.
Its funny how we always push away what we know is real, something we know can be stopped, for something less than logical, something surreal. Maybe we all love to fantasize, about the whatifs and maybes that we didnt have the chance to experience, but we just dont know when to draw the line.How we know that something, lifechanging maybe, is going to happen, no matter what or how we try to stop it, and how that specific someone, is going to move on, with or without you. How we push all these thoughts to the deepest part of our minds, burying them, and telling ourselves everythings gonna be okay, when we can make out, sometimes barely audible, that sinking feeling in our gut, screaming, so much so that it fucking rings in our ears, telling us how not okay things are going to be. How we go on with our daily lives, pretending to be unaffected, sooner or later, sooner than we'd like actually, we break down with realization and exhaustion, to the fact that we knew this way coming. Then our world, the one we've built on denial and lies we tell ourselves each and every fucking day, comes crashing down on our heads. And it burns so bad in our chests, that somewhere down the line, we realized, that this was coming, and it was inevitable. And its so fucking scary to think, that in our state of denial, we didn't even realise how everyfuckingthing was just disappearing,when we couldve done something to stop it.
Sometimes, we get so used to putting up this fake front, denial becomes as much as an addiction as ciggarettes, and coke.Its the only thing we know how to do, how to think. It gets so bad, that even when you wanna break down, and strip of what youve become, you cant even fucking do that, because you just dont know how. It gets so bad, you forget whats real and whats not, confused between the world you created, and the real world. Sometimes, you cant even tell the difference between whats you.. and what isnt. Now, when we have those last few hours, minutes, to turn everything around, to make everything you know thats wrong, right.. You dont, cause youre so goddamn used to that voice, just telling you, "fuck this, things'll be okay. Maybe not now, but soon." Because you refuse to believe its your fault, refuse to just admit that it was you. And we end up not doing anything to prevent it, and once that person steps out of our life for good, or that thing just happens, this huge wave of regret just washes over us, almost making it impossible to breathe, making us feel so goddamn worthless. But, we choose to cover it up again, pouring a whole new coat of denial on us, and basically move on with our everyday routine, not realizing that by the end of each day, a little bit of us just, dies. The its all too late, and our world is nothing but a heap of dust. And the cycle keeps going, and going and fucking going. I dont even know what the fuck im doing anymore.

And it scares me to think, that Ive lost track of everything, and anything that's important.
And I'm scared, that if this carries on, I'm going to lose the people who mean most to me.
I'm going to lose myself.
More than i already have, and i just cant fucking deal anymore.

I feel like crying my eyes out, but i'd rather not go into details. it hurts too fucking much, but newfound emotions have been developed and lost in a matter of mere days, and this is not something I'm used to. My trust, has started to fade, making me wonder if i'll ever be able to trust someone for real, ever again. I'm not used to that either. Ive always liked to imagine, that I live in this safe world, where nothing can come between anything, or anyone i care about. And maybe for a few hours, days, months, years maybe, the real world seems irrelevant to that world we inhabit, but no. I'm not so naive anymore. I know now, that the real world will always be there, waiting to just crush each and every one of us. And the minute i realized that the real world is still out there, regardless, the exact same minute that i stopped dreaming. That i refused to let myself be let down so much again. Worse than any heartbreak, this realisation. And its hurts even more, to think that maybe, there could've been what we needed,but we just didn't search hard enough. And to top it all off, the rents and I, are yet again, running against nature in our relationship. Daddy finally came to see us, after almost three months, if not more. And its weird, hearing the doorbell ring, and the irony just hits me in the face, that my own father is actually ringing the doorbell, when he's actually supposed to have a set of keys. And the fact that i know this guy is my dad, but at the same time, not being able to fathom, how he could just.. abandon you.

Everything's changing, and at such a rapid pace.
I wish i could work against time, and savour the little things,
that have disappeared, before everything else is gone too.

;; I thought this was the year that everything would be different, better.
And i thought that I wouldnt have to go through all of this again,
I thought things were gonna be okay.
What the fuck happened ?

Muhd Azmeer b Zulkifli b Yussoff b Ibrahim, (whos name confuses me)
I love youuu. (:

Okay, i know Ive been neglecting my blog long enough to make everyone wonder what the hell happened to me.
I know this because well, about a trillion people have asked me whats happened to me, and if i fell off the face of the universe.

The truth is, Ive kinda lost my flare. And Ive got nothing to talk about. Nothing much to say, there might be a few strings here and there, and Ive made posts on them, the rest.. i dont think is important. I dont know why, but lately everything seems irrelevant and a waste of time.
Or maybe its cause im just so preoccupied with everything.

Fixing situations arent my best.
Im not good at all of this. Im just tired, of being the one to always always say something first. And this scares me, because, maybe im just.. losing. Such a scary thought.

I never thought i'd be sitting here one day, just thinking about everything, reviewing all the shit ive done to people, since this is usually my bedtime routine, almost like a lullaby, and maybe this is karma.
If you live with a million people, do you still die alone ?

Ive been thinking alot about everything these past few days, and maybe, just maybe its time to let go. I'm tired of hiding from the thunder and lightning, when what i really need to do, is just dance in the rain.

So this is me, finally giving up and giving in. I'm done trying to save everything that comes my way. I know this is.. unme, but i think im ready for this.
I think i need to learn how to deal with everything, and not deal with it at the same time.

Its kinda weird not having anything to fall back on anymore, in a sense, a plan b.
I used to think it was really easy being able to stand on two feet, but it gets hard, y'know ?
This is not just another randomrantandrave, but just.. i dont really know what this is.

Travis, has been keeping me company alot lately. And, i really really like them. I dont know.
Im honestly not sure what to say yet.

;;Sooner or later, these bruises are bound to fade.
Then i can begin to let go, let go, of this facade.

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
hiiii

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
i miss you

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
i drowned my phone ):

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
i miss you tooo

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
omg

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
how ?

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
it fell into a bucket of water in school

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
have you noticed tht everytime you need a new phone is cos you drowned the old ones

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
you dropped one in the sea

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHA I KNOW

MiCHELLE.lyrical tragedy says:
one in the toilet

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
IVE DROWNED 4 FUCKING PHONES

.mandaLOVER;; young, reckless and manorexic.._♥. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. homfg. i'm a serial killer. :S

Things have been rocky lately.
Im tired as hell, and im right in the middle of my pmr trials, and usually id give a rats ass, but just not this time.
And its weird, cos i feel like im floating past the days.
I sit in my room, and promise to call someone that night, and then i just curl up into a ball, and before i know it, im being shaken awake for school.
Funny, because i dont remember feeling this way for a long long time.
Numb.. maybe ?

Drowned my phone, yet again.
Dont ask me how, cos i dont know either.
Im tired, and i need a shower.


I keep wanting to call, but everytime i do, youre rushing off to do something.
And im sorry that weve grown apart so much, and it hurts, cos i never thought things would be awkward between the two of us. And we came so far, from the people we used to be, to this. And i wanna thank you for it. Cos i dont think i'd have made it so far, without you.

Do you like me or dont you ? Youre the sweetest person for a day, then for the next hundred days, youre the worst person to ever be alive. It doesnt really help that hes your cousin.

And you, do you make it a point, that everytime you find a new girlf, you have to talk to me ? You have no idea how much it breaks my heart. You may totally be over the whole thing, but im not. And im sorry, but sometimes, i wish i could wake up and forget you.

A runaway doesnt seem out of the question, and im on holiday next week. Roadtrip maybe ?

Its not that hard to write.
It flows through your fingers, from deep inside, whatever it is your think, or subconsciously feeling. If you dont feel that, then maybe you shouldnt write. Or complain.

It was so much easier pretending you never existed, than what im feeling right about now.
Its funny, how the minute i thought of you, was the minute you said hey.
And now, youve got another.
So much for happily ever after.

Pixie,
Happy birthday.
As i said in the message, you mean the world and more to me.
Nothings gonna change that.
All the retarded things you say, all the retarded things you tell me you do, i dont think i wouldve expected that from you. (:
And its good, cos you are one of a kind.
Seeing you on tv, and well, kindof but not really in real life, its good to know that youre real.
Youre as real as real gets boy, and i know nothing can taint that.
You amaze me in ways i never thought possible, and i love you for it.
You cannot begin to imagine what youve done for me, but thank you.
I know this isnt exactly your ideal birthday message, but hey, ill make it up to you sometime, promise.
And this time, brownie points will be redeemed. Thumb wiggle promise.
So pixie, have a good one. Gosh youre old.

And i adore you, muffinman. (:

Been thinking about you alot lately. And its weird, cos i thought it was all over, closure.
I was here.
So here comes the mess.
I really really miss you.
Please say we can start again ?
These past few months have been hell for me, and i cant even look at your pictures without feeling my chest heave, and give way.
Im sick of trying to pretend im over you.
When im not.

Teehee, was on the phone to bitchinia for ages yesterday.
Laughed like fucking lunatics, i swear.

Chinia : how come youre not coming to kuching ?
Me : cos my mumma said that yo mummas not gonna be there during the hols. cos shes going somewhere, as usual.
Chinia : my moms only going on the 24th. when are the hols ?
Me : 15th august.
Chinia : that means she'll be here. why aint yo mumma comin ?
Me : i dont know! maybe she dont know how to count !


Chinia : *laughing*
Me : *sluuuuurrrpp noise*
Chinia : *stops laughing* dude, whts tht ?
Me : my juicebox.
*both of us burst out laughing*
Chinia : i like juice.
Me : oh, i like you too. wow, we have a lot in common. i like you and you like me and you like you..and i like me..
Chinia : i didnt say i liked you. i said i liked juice.
*both of us burst out laughing*
Me : oh, i knew that.


Chinia : what did you say ?
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : *giggles*
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : *giggles*
Me : *giggles*
Chinia : what were we talkin bout ?
Me : i dont know.
*both of us continue giggling*


Me : hey chinia ?
Bitchinia : Er yea ?
Me : STUMPED. HAHAHAHAHAAH.
*both of us continue giggling.*

Me : *tells story about whats happening with the (ex/current/ihavenoidea) bestf, and her disgusting exboyf*
Chinia : Dickheaaad.
Me : Hows your dad treating you ?
Chinia : mm, dickheaaad.
Me : Yup, dickheaaad.

I love you ladee, (: