Warning; Severe case of PMS.
Approach if you want your fucking head bitten off.

I realised that lately ive been having alot of outbursts at the penispeople.
So here's afreakinnother.

Yes, i get jealous easily.
Big fucking deal.

But then again, there wouldnt be a reason for me to be jealous if you didnt lead me on.
Go ahead, keep bitching. Like im bothered anymore.

I should be able to handle this, with thebestfriend helping me through it. but after a while it gets enough.

i'm sick and tired of all this bullshit. i'm exhausted, trying to deal with all the shit thats been going on. i'm tired of people trying to rip down my confidence when its just fucking building again. doesnt anyone understand the meaning of enough ?

i hate it when people give me that bullshit of me being their only one. no, i'm not in love again.
im just sick of people trying to make me fall in love again.

go ahead, play your stupid game.
just not with me.
go fucking play with yourself.

this is not dedicated to ONE person.
as some idiots would think, i'm in love again.
honestly, only twats think that way.
i'm not.
and no, i dont wanna fucking talk about it.

Its weird feeling like i'm going to lose you again.

Its weird distancing myself from you again.

Its weird how i feel like i cant talk to you about anything since that day.

Its weird saying nothing, when you ask if i'm okay.

Things feel so weird between us now. I guess it's cos i'm feeling like i need to distance myself, like i did when you two were close a few months ago. maybe its my insecurities getting the better of my judgement, as usual. but i cant shake this feeling that i'm gonna lose you again. which i cant wrap my mind around yet.

So for now, i'm just gonna sit back and see where this roller coaster takes us.
I just have this feeling that we wont survive it.

I wish i didnt miss you as much as i do.

I apologize for the lack of updates.
By lack, i mean none.
Things've been CRAZY ! I'm going crazy.
Okay, so here's it.

9th March - Sunday.
Woke up at 10am to the sound of furious knocking at my door. Mum's waking me up for mass. Which is in another one and a half freakin hours. So i yell, "Dont want lah ! Go away !"
Which of course gets a reply, "Shuttup lah. wake up before i get the key !"
So, i reluctantly pull myself out of bed. and immediately fall back down. which just proves that i really cant balance on two legs. finally get ready, and head to mass, where i practically die. he wont stop talking. get home, and throw everything into my bag, and head to amcorp to meet naomi and the family. we get dropped at bangsar. finally, i could be with my bestfriend, after almost two months. headed straight to d'haven. and sat in our spot. had cherry shisha and talked about everything we used to talk about in d'haven. what we used to do. about how we laughed and cried. got sick of it, and went present hunting ! walked all around bangsar in the blistering heat, thinking i was going to melt. and i dont think arriving at a birthday party in a blob would be very attractive. finally got the presents, and headed home. took us about an hour to get dolled up. slipped into our extremely flattering dresses. finally slipped on our heels, and left the house at 6. freaking out, thinking we'd be late, as rain usually causes massive jams. arrived ten freakin minutes later, realising we were the first to get there. soon after, came evanna, priscilla and their brother, whose name i forget. the room started filling in. took looooooooooooooooads of pictures. danced alot. sat around and talked. spent the last bit of the night with aidiel. ive missed him. it was way fun, being alright with the people i used to call my best friends. (: it was an awesome night. got back a naomi's at around 2. and pillowtalked till 3. then she started falling asleep, and it was freakin hilarious. i couldnt stop laughing, i swear. next time i stay over, i'm gonna record her.

10th March - Monday.
Woke up at 1 to ethan and kyle flicking the lights on and off, trying to get us to wake up. ordered mcds, and went back to sleep. woke up about half an hour later to the smell of fooooooooooood. scrambled up the stairs, and grabbed our food. i hardly ate the night before, so i was starving. bummed out on naomi's bed after. talking and reading. texted aidiel the whole night, and day. mummy picked me up after work. came home and slept till about 5. woke up, and totally blanked that we had dinner. jumped in the shower and all that jazz. headed up the street for dinner. the night didnt go as bad as i thought it would. sasa's usually the one blabbing away and keeping them amused, while i sit and pretend like i dont hear anything. i'm pretty antisocial when it comes to these people. sat around and talked about the most inane things that we could think of. which was pretty hilarious. aunty immilda, uncle anto, aunty alice, melanie, kiran, mummy, mama, sasa and me, sat around the dining table and talked ourselves stupid. mel had some pretty smart things to say. shes also going out with a really really hot german kid :D
We were on the topic of short skirts and sexy legs. Sasa of course, had to bring up how nana has the sexiest legs among us.
Mel was going on about how if mummy walked up the church stairs to read, she'd be doing all the men a favour, which isnt exactly what i wanted to hear. But mummy just kept saying that the women would slaughter her. Which led mel to say, "Its only the women complaining. not the men. ive seen them drool over your legs dorothy ! its only cos the women are jealous. i believe if you got it, flaunt it. and, we're in the house of god, so your basically just telling people this; "yes, god is an artist, and i'm his gallery." no priest can argue with that."
Where we all burst into hysterical laughter.
Then we got talking about malaysians and how their mentality is still of a third world country. Mel of course disagreed with this saying, "Malaysians are one of the smartest people, we're just not given enough credit for it, thats why we always behave stupid"
Which is quite true. And hilarious.
You cant help but love mel, shes hilarious.
Finally left at 11, after a few glasses of Port. Yum.

11th March - Tuesday.
Early mornings are killing me. Woke up at 9. Got ready to head to the apartment. Went swimming alone. Then headed to mid to meet up with sasa, nana, iman, sukim, shannya, shivani and anwar. Found them in the food court. But walked off after a bit, and met up with rubesh in brewball. Played 10 minutes worth of pool, cos i sucked, and had to go. I stole haikal's shades again. He's my supplier. Headed back to the apartment with sa, na, iman, and sukim. Natt was coming over. First time i'm seeing her since she's come back. it was goood. swam, talked, and laughed loooooads. texted trix the whole day. which ive missed. ive just missed all these people lah. Did i forget to mention we got out sunburst tickets ? :D

that about sums up my three days. dont ask me about before these three days, i suffer from short term memory loss.

I just got off the phone with my BOOGER.

Hilaaaaaaaaarious.

We've decided to name Mr.K a.k.a Piggboy; NOSTRILS.

Why ? Because i looked at this picture on friendster, and i sehwear it was tres amusant !

Chooochooo ! (;

Oh Inga Cottonose Boogermonkey, I misssss you, like fuckkk.

I fucking hate men.

Im gonna be a man hating lesbian.

I'm not having another relationship based from one end of the earth to the other.

Naomi says; Whoa. You really like him. More than i thought you did.


Manda says; Yeah. Me too.

Is it me, or do i smell biiiiiiig trouble.

ohmeegotts.ohmeegotts.ohmeegotts.ohmeegotts.ohmeegotts.

I'm friggin ecstatic.
Incubusincubusincubus.

I very exciiiiiiiiiiite.

*licksteeth* NICE.

Did i bruise your ego so bad, that you have to keep doing this ?

Like seriously, i never knew someone like you was capable of this.
I mean, yea, your dropdeadfuckingGORGEOUS, which immediately should've had my senses alert. But no, i let you in a little bit more than i should have.

With the constant text messages, IM's and the calls ?
You tell me it's not right, that you two are friends, that you respect him too much.
that you respect me too much.Honestly, its contradictory. You can't say you respect me, if your unwilling to talk to me, without having morethanfriends on your mind. That implies the exact opposite of what you're saying.
Your so confusing, penispeople in general are really confusing.

I miss you more than i should, i guess.I shouldn't.
But maybe its just me, trying to heal my practically broken ego.Its weird, cos I've always thought that i could get over and get with any guy.The reason behind why people call me a slut.which doesn't bother me anymore.but that's not the point.

your messages say things like "i sayang you." which just adds to the confusion of it all. do you want me or not ? your answer would make all the difference.
I'm sick and tired of this, of everything you've been putting me through.

I'm so convinced your nothing but heartless. there's this gaping hole in your gorgeous chest. you don't know what you want. and neither do i. which complicates you, complicates me. but your always in denial.
i don't belong to him, i don't belong to anyone. don't say that i do. its like you enjoy doing what you do to me. constantly trying to see how much gasoline you can throw in before i just explode.
i wish you weren't so merciless. it would hurt so much less. and you know, everyone knows, that i take to heart easily. almost everything just pierces right through. I'm so convinced that you do this just to spite me, as if to say your what I'm missing. to throw in my face that we couldve had something.

and again, i prove to myself, I'm not cut out for love.

that I'm a serial love abuser.

i prove yet again, that i haven't the slightest idea of what i want.

I shouldn't complain about not being happy,

when its my fault.

Everything is tossed into boxes. Big brown square boxes.
I cant believe this is really happening.
If someone were to tell me that we'd be doing this, sometime last year, i wouldve shrugged it off and said something to the effect of whatever.
Measurements have been made, furniture has been bought, and things have been packed.
We're really moving.

I was so excited about moving in, i forgot to get upset about moving out.
It didnt take long to hit me. But it did.
Its gonna be weird, not coming home to the smell of a hundred different plates of food. Or running up the stairs and throwing everything on the floor, and finally myself on the bed.
Making the noise that we usually do.
Everythings gonna be different.
Its going to take so much getting used to.

Ive never moved in my life. And i dont see why i should start. Its so stupid, when im at the peak of everything. Or not. Whatever.
But honest to god, having out own place is gonna be brill, but, not having this one, is gonna leave that hole in the heart.
I grew up here. Things happened here.
Ive loved here.

I know im making this out to be more dramatic than it really is.
But have you ever had to move ?
Its not that im moving to a different country or whatever, but its just that these four walls symbolise something.
To me at least. I dont think anything will match up to this. Ever.
Not even when i get my own house. Funny thing is, i love this place. I wanna leave it, but i dont at the same time.
I'm losing my fatty too. My baby. My princess. My Duchess.
Hes taking her. To Port Dickson. Shes gonna be so far away.
And i know she'd never survive with him.

Ive gotta keep these memories playing, like a broken record, through my head.

Nothing could ever replace this, even if i tried.