I'm finally convinced that everyone who walks around me, is less than human and completely heartless.
Its like, they have this gaping hole, right through their chest.

Or is that just me ?

Denial. Something we're all so guilty of.
Its funny how we always push away what we know is real, something we know can be stopped, for something less than logical, something surreal. Maybe we all love to fantasize, about the whatifs and maybes that we didnt have the chance to experience, but we just dont know when to draw the line.How we know that something, lifechanging maybe, is going to happen, no matter what or how we try to stop it, and how that specific someone, is going to move on, with or without you. How we push all these thoughts to the deepest part of our minds, burying them, and telling ourselves everythings gonna be okay, when we can make out, sometimes barely audible, that sinking feeling in our gut, screaming, so much so that it fucking rings in our ears, telling us how not okay things are going to be. How we go on with our daily lives, pretending to be unaffected, sooner or later, sooner than we'd like actually, we break down with realization and exhaustion, to the fact that we knew this way coming. Then our world, the one we've built on denial and lies we tell ourselves each and every fucking day, comes crashing down on our heads. And it burns so bad in our chests, that somewhere down the line, we realized, that this was coming, and it was inevitable. And its so fucking scary to think, that in our state of denial, we didn't even realise how everyfuckingthing was just disappearing,when we couldve done something to stop it.
Sometimes, we get so used to putting up this fake front, denial becomes as much as an addiction as ciggarettes, and coke.Its the only thing we know how to do, how to think. It gets so bad, that even when you wanna break down, and strip of what youve become, you cant even fucking do that, because you just dont know how. It gets so bad, you forget whats real and whats not, confused between the world you created, and the real world. Sometimes, you cant even tell the difference between whats you.. and what isnt. Now, when we have those last few hours, minutes, to turn everything around, to make everything you know thats wrong, right.. You dont, cause youre so goddamn used to that voice, just telling you, "fuck this, things'll be okay. Maybe not now, but soon." Because you refuse to believe its your fault, refuse to just admit that it was you. And we end up not doing anything to prevent it, and once that person steps out of our life for good, or that thing just happens, this huge wave of regret just washes over us, almost making it impossible to breathe, making us feel so goddamn worthless. But, we choose to cover it up again, pouring a whole new coat of denial on us, and basically move on with our everyday routine, not realizing that by the end of each day, a little bit of us just, dies. The its all too late, and our world is nothing but a heap of dust. And the cycle keeps going, and going and fucking going. I dont even know what the fuck im doing anymore.

And it scares me to think, that Ive lost track of everything, and anything that's important.
And I'm scared, that if this carries on, I'm going to lose the people who mean most to me.
I'm going to lose myself.
More than i already have, and i just cant fucking deal anymore.

I feel like crying my eyes out, but i'd rather not go into details. it hurts too fucking much, but newfound emotions have been developed and lost in a matter of mere days, and this is not something I'm used to. My trust, has started to fade, making me wonder if i'll ever be able to trust someone for real, ever again. I'm not used to that either. Ive always liked to imagine, that I live in this safe world, where nothing can come between anything, or anyone i care about. And maybe for a few hours, days, months, years maybe, the real world seems irrelevant to that world we inhabit, but no. I'm not so naive anymore. I know now, that the real world will always be there, waiting to just crush each and every one of us. And the minute i realized that the real world is still out there, regardless, the exact same minute that i stopped dreaming. That i refused to let myself be let down so much again. Worse than any heartbreak, this realisation. And its hurts even more, to think that maybe, there could've been what we needed,but we just didn't search hard enough. And to top it all off, the rents and I, are yet again, running against nature in our relationship. Daddy finally came to see us, after almost three months, if not more. And its weird, hearing the doorbell ring, and the irony just hits me in the face, that my own father is actually ringing the doorbell, when he's actually supposed to have a set of keys. And the fact that i know this guy is my dad, but at the same time, not being able to fathom, how he could just.. abandon you.

Everything's changing, and at such a rapid pace.
I wish i could work against time, and savour the little things,
that have disappeared, before everything else is gone too.

;; I thought this was the year that everything would be different, better.
And i thought that I wouldnt have to go through all of this again,
I thought things were gonna be okay.
What the fuck happened ?