mm, hey.

so Ive been pretty disconnected lately.
I have my reasons.
Okay, no, i don't.

Ive been so preoccupied lately, eventhough Ive hardly gone out.
I mean it is the holidays, but I havent seen the person I wanted to see the most.

So here come my overdramaticteen rants and raves.

Ive been so distant lately, cos well, I'm starting to realize that maybe if i kept my mouth shut enough, things wouldnt fuckup as easily. Mom thinks Ive got severe anger issues, and i know this. I dont know, its really weird, maybe i have that extra x / y whatever chromosome. I'd be completely happy for a moment, then suddenly, i get all pissy. I'm not making sense.

But I keep drowning out all my problems. Thinking about it, I think I'm just too damn tired to care anymore. I cant handle anymore drama than Ive already got going on. Too much drama can kill a person, and i think part of me already did die.
Somewhere along the lines, where i was too caught up, fighting someone else's fight, this tiny part of me got lost.

And all of this wanting everything i know i can never have, but nearly killing myself in the attempt to grasp it. Its like i put myself out of line, just to try and fulfil that want, but never really getting it.
And why are relationships so hard ?
Cos being alone is the only harder thing.
And it hurts so bad, to know that either way, your heart still gets smashed.
What about, those few moments that i dont grab ahold of, only to look back and say, that couldve been one of those lifechanging moments.
Every moment counts, and how many could you say changed your life ?
And we wait on those things might never happen in the first place, cos we're too scared to let go. The thought of letting go, is enough to make us breakdown.
We, are so delicate. That we could fall apart so easily.
When people kill themselves, is it fair, for them to be condemned ?
Or when people make the wrong decisions, and are judged and ostracized for it ?
Shouldnt the judgemental ones, be persecuted for it ?
As they say, only god can be judge.
And we are always being told to take control, charge, of our lives.
Isnt ending it, or making bad choices, apart of taking control ?
And that fear, of never knowing who, or what we are, may eventually kill us.
That fear of losing ourselves, while trying to chase our dreams.
Not being able to tell which is more important, losing ourselves but achieving everything we ever dreamt of, or being ourselves and eventually begin to self loathe when we realised we could have done what we wanted to.
And that self destruction steps in.
And the hate you have for yourself just eats you alive.
Till youre nothing.
Those scars wont go away, and we all know it.

I, have been pretty empty these past few days.
And im not used to feeling so numb.
So, forgive my random outbursts.

To him,
Dont you realise, how much this has stopped hurting ?
Clap your hands till your fingers break, arent you glad of your achievement ?
Dont you look away when i cast your those glances, arent you proud, of what youve put me through, all these years ?
Throw another my way, it wont hurt as much as it did the first time.

And you,
Ive been missing you these past few days, and i dont know why.
Things werent all bad went we werent talking.
But now, things are alot harder than they were a couple months back.
Maybe its those whatifs, and maybes.

I'm tired of letting my heart get broken.
Was talking to Ashley the other day, and he thinks I'm lucky, to have all the chances i have.
I, disagreed. Telling him that i made those chances happen.
Which got me thinking, if i didnt, would i still be in this mess ?