I've spent the last few days soul searching, and going deeper than I thought I ever could.
Being up till the wee hours of the morn because of my slightly altered sleeping pattern has done me real good.
For the past couple of months, I've been saying that there's something vital missing, and I've spent what follows of that statement, trying to find out and looking anywhere for it, trying to figure what exactly what it was.
And then I realised, walking around aimlessly at 4 in the morning, with the stillness as my only companion, that it wasn't something that was missing. It was just thing huge part of me that I closed off from the world, from everyone.
I built up this wall, not to keep people out, but to see who cared enough to climb over. And of course, nobody did.
Then I figured out that none of that mattered, because when I put that wall up, not only did I block the world out, but also myself.
Funny how that works, no ?
The never ending cycle of events that occured over the course of the past few years, left me with questions in the back of my mind, all of which I left unanswered due to my indifference, exhaustion and probably fear. Yes, definitely fear.
So after everything, I decided, enough of putting myself out on the line for anybody, I've had enough of trying to make everything okay again, when in simple terms, everything is beyond repair.
I finally decided to answer those questions, sitting in the rain at 4am.
It took everything out of me, but accepting that I need to move on, and figure out where to put myself, I jumped in, headfirst, with nothing but my memories. Cos I believe it's truly pointless in just getting your toes wet.
But, my memories will soon fade, much to my discomfort, and I know I'm going to end up feeling like I have no past, people forget and so do I.
Letting go has never been a simple task for me, I have never been the type to let go easily, awkward and painful as they might be, as they give me something to remind myself. They remind me that I can feel all of this, and the mortality of it all makes it beautifully bittersweet.
My inability to get my head out of the clouds most of the time, doesn't exactly make reality a pretty place. After everything I've been through, the real world vulgarity still manages to seep into my veins like heroin, and gets to my head, deflating my thoughts of there ever being a means of escape. But then again, being numb is no fun anymore.
There is this huge part of me, that is unwilling for anything to fuck up. And there's this small part of me, a part that I find growing slightly bigger everyday, that wants everything to crash and burn, just so I'll have that reminder. So I'll have that feeling of being invincible for a little while.
That knowing that there's nothing more that can affect me for that brief period.
I'd love to feel something different, something to wake me up. I haven't had anything, or anyone do this for me in a long time.
Now, the last question I answered for myself, didn't seem like a hard one at all once I read it.
Till it got me thinking.
"Should I give up the search ?"
After hours of pondering, I decided the answer is no.
Why ?
Because if I gave up on the search, there would be nothing to keep me from spiraling out of control. More than I already have.
Eventhough this particular search, could lead to the worst downfall I will ever experience, it could also lead to that part of me that I've been looking for.
And if it doesn't, well then, I'll just have to rethink my answer.
Simple as that.
In my head, everything seems so complex, when it really isn't in black and white.
Laying it all down makes me feel like I've accmplished something great, and small as it may seem, it's welcomed by me.
What I'm getting at is, I'm tired of being numb.
And I do believe after over a year of just not caring, it's about time I started feeling something but indifference. Little by little, I'm going to be taking that wall down, with no help from anyone else, simply because I don't want any.
I'm unfolding myself, and while I'm doing this, I'm showing myself to you.