I think I'm finally awake.
Jokes aside.

For the past few months, I've been walking around with my head barely attached to my body, it was so high in the clouds.
Right now, I'm feeling like someone just pulled the world from beneath my feet.
I suddenly feel restless, defenseless and downright senseless, and I don't even know what brought all this on.
Maybe the lack of sleep, or maybe the millions of thoughts and questions running through my head. I'm feeling really unsettled, and I'm so fidgety.

I've been forgetting so many things over the past few months, and when I try to think about everything that's happened, good and bad alike, it feels like I don't have a past. I'd like to believe that it's simply me moving on, and putting things behind me, but it's not.
After all the shit I've been through, I'm not supposed to be this way, I'm supposed to be using all that, to build me into something else, something above the norm. But then again, the higher you get, the harder you'll land on your ass.
But instead, I feel like this naive little girl, who's stupid enough to believe that the world is falling in love with her.
In attempt to find some clarity, and some peace of mind, I threw myself into what I thought was right. Oh, how wrong I was.
Being in the eyes of the world was never much fun, especially when you've got no one to fall back on, and you're out there by yourself. I put the blame solely on my stubbornness, and my unwillingness to meet anybody halfway, thinking that I could get along fine by myself. And for awhile, I did just that, failing to see that it's a long road, and I was bound to get lonely.
Walking away from the people who at one point, I thought I couldn't live without, and who were a huge part of my life, and the decisions I made, knowing fully that they did not do the same for me.
After many nights spent pondering, I realised it was time to move on from all of that, simply cos it wasn't doing me any good at all.
It finally got to a point where I was so tired of having my heart broken in so many different ways.
Nodding my way through conversations, simply because justifying myself and my opinions seemed like too much of a task, becoming sick and tired of having to explain that I'm not difficult nor am I rebellious.
Finally stripped of all emotion, almost like a stage actor with no script, I lay down my sword and walked out. And refusing to show that everytime I walked out, a little part of me just evaporated.

I can't help but wonder if in years to come if I'll still be the same person. Indecisive, unsure and just stuck in the middle.
If the different sides of the world, will change my mind and make my decisions for me.
If I'll still be as thick skinned as I am now, or if the ways of the world, and the harshness of everyday life, will finally get the better of me.
Right now, I'm dying to find that peace of mind, some sort of contentment, just to escape the eye of society, and how the world works.
Honestly, all I wanna do, is walk out into the middle of the ocean, feel the sand between my toes, throw my worries to the wind.
Cliched as it sounds, I think I need to be somewhere, where nobody knows my name.
I guess I'm finally sick and tired, of being sick and tired.

;; they crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed,
dropping little reels of tape
to remind me that I'm alone,
playing movies in my head
that make a porno feel like home,
there's a burning in my pride,
a nervous bleeding in my brain.