i know an update is well due. i know its been like ive disappeared.and i think, amidst all the chaos, apart of me did die.Ive missed blogging.Ive just been so busy lately.. school and whatnot.theres nothing new with me. not much anyway.its weird, cos i felt like i had so much to tell you, but i sit here, blank.oh yes. me and Lewis, we're over. and honestly, instead of filling the blanks, he made more.i don't miss him, and I'm beginning to wonder if i ever loved him. i dont think i did, i think i loved the idea of loving someone, something.things don't feel different at all, and i cant help but think that we didn't really have anything special. and to tell you the truth, i cant be bothered with him anymore, i know that's not how its supposed to be, but i never realised how... fake he is. but, live and let live right.

Ive been going through a bit much lately, like these 'friends' who are constantly bitching about what a slut i am. honestly, i don't care, but seriously, you keep going on about how we girls [cos you cant exactly be called girls, even though you are] shouldn't bitch about each other, and there you are being such a huge ass hypocrite. Ive had enough of people like you, that's why I'm not gonna bother with you. its my perogative if i want to fuck, drink, smoke up, shoot up, its not your life, its not affecting you. so why the fuck should you have the goddamn right to go around telling people shit. you don't, you just have nothing better to talk about, cos you are all so fucking skin deep.Ive been having alot of these random outbursts lately. I'm not gonna take back the things i say, though. cos i mean each and every word.on a brighter note, i realise I'm way better off without you pulling me under. instead of trying to help, all you're doing is drowning me. so much for life support huh. (:

i think Ive had too many epiphanies this month, way more than i needed, some painful, and some pretty damn healthy. Ive made a few smart decisions. note i said a few. many of you know that I'm not exactly one of the logic, no. I'm more of spur of the moment, instinct dependant. but it comes in handy sometimes. i have better judge of character now, and I'm cautious of who i let near me. cos we all know how that worked out the last time i tried that.in a way, I'm beginning to realise that i need to start protecting myself every once in awhile instead of protecting others. cos that's what Ive been doing, i guess. but i cant say much, as I'm not exactly sure of which way I'm headed.honestly, I'm very very proud of myself. more than Ive ever been. even though every direction i take is headed a for a meltdown or a beautiful disaster.but i can deal with those now, and i know exactly how, i don't have to rant, vent or whatever, i just need to sort it out with myself first. I'm fixing things, and at the same time, I'm fixing myself. and it feels pretty damn good.but Naomi is always the first person to know, anything at all. and it feels good to be able to unload with her, cos i know she gets it, so shes fixing me too.

on the topic of music, Ive found my new obsession, ALL TIME LOW. i realised i used to listen to them before, but i decided to randomly jump into some fools myspace profile, and i rediscovered them, and I'm currently playing "remembering Sunday" over and over again.i finally made my new years resolutions, and i realised its gonna be super super hard to stick to them. but i guess ill pull through, with the willpower [which i don't have] and all that. i guess ill go searching under some couches. for the time being, I'm fine the way i am, no need for your help. cos i honestly don't think i need any.maybe i will post my resolutions up. its not much though.

New Years Resolutions.
1. NO hooking up with guys before we're official.
2. Stop smoking. cold turkey.
3. Choose better people to associate myself with.
4. Make better decisions.
5. Give out more love than I'm taking in.

I guess that's all Ive figured out, so far. I'm sure theres more to come soon. Theres alot of things i wouldn't change actually, but some i would. I guess people deserve that much.Ive actually written my Solo Acting Script for the SEA Forensics, which i wont be taking part in this year, cos I'm still pretty messy and ditsy. But i plan on taking part next year. So don't worry, you'll see me in action [this is not an invitation, PLEASE don't come. :D]I have nothing much to say for now, and besides, food is waiting for me outside calling my name very seductively. Well, there are people out there too.I just dont get why people treat my house like a bed and brekkie.OHMYGOD. I just realised i have pretty big news, we're moving out soon !Wannaa know where im moving to ?! ASK ME BITCHES !But, ive prolly already told half the damn world.Im getting Naomi and Pixie to come in and be the first to put their handprints on the wall.Dont be jealous, [but it IS cos i like them more. heehee] But its also cos theyre helping me move in and design my room, see.But i really should go now, its time feeding time at the zoo.