//edit.

Hello.
I am half dead and kicking myself. Couldn't believe I'd been so stupid, but what's done is done, and it's rather pointless going on and on about it.

11 / 01 / 09.
Mama decided to have this family get together by the pool. The food was deevine, and having the family together again was somewhat refreshing. Elaine is back from her 6weeks in China, so it was a partial reason for the celebrations. Was by the pool by 6, and spent time with the insane family. Bloody funny bunch, I swear.

Twenty minute after coming downstairs, Suraj comes down. This stalker thing, has gotten old, and is still repulsive. Didn't let him get to me, and ignored the fuck outta him, much to his annoyance, disregarding any comments from the family, that a 'fat, hairy man is staring at you from the corner of his eye.' Uncle Richard was beside himself with laughter.

Justin and Joel came, so was puhreety excited as I hadn't seen Justin in forfuckingever. Had some food, and sat around and talked for abit, sneaking off every now and again for a puff to keep me sane. Talked to my tall and skinny friend, and then sent him off on a mission. While he was gone, I spent time with Zariq and Micheal, whom I haven't seen in agesss.

Justin came back about an hour later, with this kid Benji (lifesaver). Took em to my favourite spot, and fulfilled our cravings.
Could barely walk after, and kept laughing like I was on laughing gas or something. Went back to the party to see what was going on, but everyone was already leaving. Walked back to the new bofs and sent them home. Wanted to say my goodbyes, but I didn't get around to it, as I was exhausted and slightly dizzy. Headed home, and jumped into the shower, drank about a gallon of water and headed to bed, kicking myself for my stupidity.
I have officially decided to spend more time with Justin, cos he makes me laugh, and I adore him. (:

//
So, wow.
It's 2009.
New Years was never something I looked forward too, and yet I do at the same time.
How typical of me to make a New Years post, almost two weeks too late.
I am so bad at this.
My feelings for New Years has always been the same; nostalgia, fear, anticipation.

My inability to let go, leaves me living in my own world; a world of yesterdays. My fear of tomorrow, leaves me wondering. My only want and need, is to learn to move on. My memories have somewhat left me scarred. My fear of forgetting my past, somehow haunts me. I would love to let go off all the pain I've endured, but I can't because without that pain, I wouldn't be what, who and where I am today. Though some of my decisions were questionable, I choose to see past that, and see what I've gained.
I still feel like I'm living in '08, unable to accept the major change, but then again. The only thing that's changed, is a mere number. I did have a breathtaking year, my longing to go back into has left me stuck.
With everything I lost, I gained some more. Exhausting as this monotous routine sounds, it made me comfortable.
'08 made me realise alot of things. Actually it made me grow up, to see my surroudings with a new set of eyes, the perception of my world, the people in it, and everything about it, has changed in the sense that I understand myself better.
There's nothing I would change. My relationship with some people have crashed and burnt, but in the light of the fire, I established more.
The person that I've grown into, has left me proud. I mayb not be perfect, hell I'm far from it, but I am beyond what I, or what anybody else imagined what I would be.

It always sounds like I'm not having a good time, but I am.
I don't mean to come off sounding utterly depressed, of the people I've met, loved, lost. The relationships Ive built, basically.
With each and every breath I take, I am beyond thankful for the hardships and the love I've had all year round.

;; if I could be your first real heartache,
I would do it over again,
if you could be my punrockprincess,
I would be your heroine.