i realised, i have nothing.

Everything around me is crumbling, its my fault, i know. but i cant stop it. i dont know how.I hate this. I know ive said this a million fucking times, but i'm a fucking monster.Im so so scared of the things i do.

Im a horrible sister.

Every little thing you do, i want to lash out at you. Something that doesnt involve me, i involve myself. Throw shit in your face. Ive seen you look away, to hide the fleeting looks of hurt, then you turn around, and throw something in my face. Just to hide how you really feel.Im sorry. I love you. But i dont know how.

Im a horrible person.

People should hate me. People do hate me. I throw everything someone does back in their face. No matter how sorry they are. 'The best defence is an offence'I wish i wasnt so fucking defensive.

Sobbing myself breathless, i realised i cant do this anymore.I want to strip myself and throw myself into fire.Ive been so stupid. In everything i do.I cant face myself anymore.Everything i have fucked up, and now i have nothing.Im so sick of shit happening to me.And whats worse, im fighting this alone.I pushed everyone willing to care about me or listen, away.Ive taken advantage of everyone, of everything.And im left fighting this war against myself, alone.I finally know what it's like to have nothing going for me.To have no one love me the way i want, to have nothing.Its like im among nothing but still life. And im getting tired of fighting.