mm, hi.

Paramore might be coming down. and i am so fucking there.
hailey is the coolest shiz ever, yo.

i was just counting how many concerts ive missed this year alone, and it depressed me to the core.
First, Flo-rida.
Second, Chris Daughtry.
Thrid, MAA's.
Fourth, Panic ! At the disco.

Okay, technically, i havent missed PATD yet, but its tomorrow.
And the chances of me are... ZILCH ?
Ugh, bollocks.

mm, hi.
Things have been going alright so far, the insomnia's stopped acting up.

The bestfriend has not answered the calls/sms's nor has she bothered to call back, but yet remains friends with the twat of a boy, so i can't be arsed anymore.

Lewis called today, and it felt so good to speak to him again, after everything we've been through, im amazed that he even gives a shit. But yes lew, ive missed you more than you can imagine.

Talked to dannyboy for an hour plus lastnight, and it was nice, being friends with one of them. I still do miss araff loads, but im getting over it. Told mum about araff, and she was kinda mad about it at first, but actually said something kinda smart, "Our pain makes us grow, so, at the end of this you'll get stronger."
If mummy keeps making so much sense, i might have to die.

Been spending loads of time with kane lately. He has become my new confidante. going to the mamak practically everyday for hours on end, and laughing like loons on laughing gas ( KEITH JASON PINTO ), which incidentally enough, we are. Mm, how coincidental.

And you.
I see you once a fucking week, if at all. And all you do is criticise. So much for playing your part, aye. I'm tired of it, honestly. Just grow up, and learn to take responsibility for once in your life, please. I'm allowed to be irresponsible, i'm a child. Ugh, learn to deal with it.

Been missing Bitchinia like a mafakka lately. (: Yea ladee, you. Original plan was to head to kuching during the august oneweek holiday. But there might be a change of plans. Cookie, talk to your rents about you coming down. Psrty hardy bebe, and im sure your beloved boyf RADEN would loooove to see you. (;

Things aint really going my way right now.
Its like, the minute i got out of KL, things seemed better, i felt like a was leaving everything behind, and it felt really good.
And yesterday, the minute we got into KL, i felt all the dread inching its way back into me. Injected back into my veins. Its funny how KL can make you feel that way.

Took the whole week off school, i miss it quite abit, seeing as i have nothing to do with myself today. Kuantan was a healthy choice. A long deserved mental vacation. I think all i honestly need is another one of those.
KL aint doing no good for me lately, too much drama, i cant deal.
Been doing alot of running around lately, im not sure if im running from, if you catch my drift.
Sometime soon, i think imma head up somewhere secluded, sleep on the beach, and pretend im mute. Deaf too prolly.
I need a getaway, like no shit.
All this is so overwhelming.
Was supposed to head back to aussie with elaine, the rents think i needa change in atmosphere. Though it was bollocks at first, but it doesnt sound all that bad anymore. Sounds pretty welcoming compared to what i deal with here, and at least theyve got good weather, kinda.
I dont know if its the meds talking. Been gulping down cough syrup like crazy, trying to rid of the itch. The music isnt exactly helping my cause either. I dunno, im out of the whole circle for awhile. Cant be bothered with the outside world for abit, i needa focus on me for abit, ive neglected myself long enough already. Procrastinating tryna fix myself up. Its weird, cos i though this year would be smooth sailing, but its actually alot worse compared to last year. Eight months in, only.
I hardly know what im talking bout lately, it all seems to fly by, a blur.
Maybe thats the insomnia. Its been acting up again lately. Before Kuantan, to be exact. Didnt think much of it, thought it was from the excitement. But its alot worse now. Hardly got any rest last night, and my skin's still a little raw from the tossing i did. I could use some sleeping pills, ive run out. Muscle relaxants maybe, they work.
Acceptance - So contagious, heartbreaking. Yup. Still not as over it as i thought i was. And now its being used as bait. Yippee, gooodluck with that. Maybe she'll be alright for you. Its tiring as hell.
Im freezing, and the fans not even on. Pure exhaustion maybe. Dunno.
I dont need all this shit, not right now anyways.
Looking in for a transfer, need a change of environment, educationwise. Maybe international, just for a semester.
Havent really talked about it much.
My ass is numb. Been sitting too long. Should stop thinking maybe. Or keep thinking.. ?
L&M's over a cuppa coffee, only thing keeping me semi awake, i guess.
Mum and Annie, talking about exhubs outside, and aussie, as both exhubs are dickweeds, and Annies moving to aussie.
Felling like im floating on the milkyway. But still no passion. Used to do my best writing at times like these, i know ive said this a million times, but i have no passion left in my body. Completely drained, honest.

Do call, ive got lots to say to you. Well no, ive got lots of things to keep quiet from you. Make sense ? No, thought so. But what ever does ?

And pixie,
I know you dig so contagious. Dont spend too long on the milkyway, some of us need you down here.

Bitchinia,
I could use a talk, call.

Despite what you think Naomi, you're still my best friend and i don't hate you.
Things have been weird between us this last month because i just couldn't deal, and yea, i shouldve talked to you about it, but i just wasn't ready.
Maybe you think this is for the best, but i don't.
I still love you, seeing as you're the only person who truly actually gets me.
And all the things Ive said to you before, it doesn't change.
Just like your birthday letter.
Maybe i shouldn't have said what i said to you in that message, but i guess i shouldn't have held it in so long. I meant most of it. I did.
I hate how jason gets in the way of everything, and how he twists and turns everysinglething to suit his needs. But enough about him, he is officially a waste of time in my book.

It'd be nice if i could call you and talk things out, cos i think thats whhat we need right now.
And also cos, i cant think of another person i could waste so much time with, and still have it be enjoyable.

I'm sorry, i miss you. :/

Merekalah jakun AGRO saya yang tercinta.

Dear bitchinia.
I miss you.
Ive been going through your blog, and mine alot lately.
I think that runaway plan sounds good.
We're heading over to Kuching in August, a week after trials. We shall sit on your roof, and then smoke with your hooker of a maid.
I feel that distance between us now. Its not like, out of sight, out of mind.
I do really miss you, and as you say, just cos your my cousin, doesnt mean you cant be my bestfriend. And thats exactly what i need right now, a bestfriend.

I'm sorry.
I keep meaning to call. But something always comes up.
Im not saying other things are more important than you, you know thats not true. I just feel like, we're too far away.

I'm currently pissed at my blog.
Its shitty looking.

Bollocks and a half.

Hello, beautiful world.
I'm sorry I've been so scarce lately. Laptop went crazy on me, had to reformat the bastard thing, and i guess I'm just tired.
Not literally, but just mentally.
Ive drained myself completely lately, and at the same time, I've been distancing myself.

Things have been pretty rocky for me lately, so reason, i too, am unsure of.
Just felt that i owed myself a break.
Theres been too much going on lately, that i cant even remember what.
I know the lot of you are probably sick to death of my blog, and constant emorantsandraves, but honestly, i think I've said this before, that I'd rather not write down the good things that happen to me, but the bad, seeing as i wanna remember my scars, cos it makes me feel like i have a past. Sometimes, i just forget.

Yea we're pretty disconnected lately, and I've mentioned this before.
Its not like I'm jealous or whatever, but it feels like i keep losing you to them. To alot of people actually. And I'm too tired to fight anymore. I'm just so exhausted, I've physically, mentally and emotionally drained myself, which is never a good thing. Talking to you last night felt good, but it didn't feel the same. Ive told you so many times, about how I'm so uncomfortable around them, about how insecure they make me feel about you. And i just don't wanna face up to it, by just totally leaving it be. I'm not avoiding you, I'm not trying to say that you don't need other friends, but it sometimes feels like, and I'm not saying this in a mean way, like you prefer them. :/.

Okay enough about that.
Nothing really interesting has been happening lately.
On Sunday, i was in midvalley, and Amy texted asking to meet up with zairi. So, i agreed, seeing as its been like forever since ive seen him and zairi. Sat at the mamak for awhile, then they wanted to eat KFC, i swear the two of them eat like pigs, but are as skinny as sticks, which infuriates me. (Women, next time you wanna say, "Why the hell don't men get FAT ?!" Well, its only cos they don't have a many fat hormones as women, seeing as we have to get preggers.) Shit, that didn't help much did it ?
But at least we can have babies.
Anyways, watched 'A Walk To Remember' the other day, took like 3 days to download. Its been over a year since I've watched it. Remembered that i supposed to send pixie a copy, which made me go through all my fails for that conversation. Which was pretty funny. But yeah, things are different now, i guess. Maybe they aren't, but they do feel that way.

Its a relief to know, that in 6days, I'll be on the way to kuantan with mummy, Sa, and Sam. I mean, its been ages since the last family holiday, so i think they'll be good for us. And besides, I'm thinking of heading up there by myself one of these days, just to clear this over sized head. And probably do what me and Fran did, sleep under the stars infrontve the Hyatt.

Ugh, everythings so frustrating these days. Absolute bollocks.

Random thoughts of the past few days;

I am now officially over you. It took two months, two long months, but i feel better.
I really really really miss Michelle.
I'm beginning to wonder what was so great about you, that you managed to rid of my horrible trait, of jumping from one boy to another in a matter or days.
I'm the tidiest amongst the three of us. Which totally means something, or its the OCD, either one.
I think he likes me, but i cant be sure.
Ugh, I'm so over this shit. If you fucking know people i know, why the hell are you telling me for, fucking wankers.
I am now totally pissed off. Ugh, go fuck your dogs, bitches.

Hello, pretty pretty world.

Ah lifes good.
Well kindof, not as sucky as before.
Im here to blog about the random things ive come up with.
I think I honestly do say the stupidest yet most amusing things.
Chello, this was inspired by your most recent blogpost.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

*watching night at the museum with sam and sasa at home. and the part with owen wilson and that Octavius, or whateverchumacallit come on.*

Me : Duude, if i had them in real life, and got them to play baseball, you know what I'd call them ?
Sasa : What ? Them midgets.. ?
Me : Psh, hells no. LITTLE LEAGUE.
BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.

//

*in the science lab, last year. learning about body functions, and all that shit nobody will ever use in real life.*

Teacher : *blablablaaboutaminals.*
Me : Flo, we're reptiles right ?
Flo : NO. amanda !
Nat : We're warm blooded you moron.
Me : Yea la, reptiles.
Flo : You sad little child.

//

*was with chello and sam at G's apartment in ampang, and were having a smoke behind the gym, when this huge group of boys approach us. one came up to us.*

Random : Nak satu leh ? *points at my ciggie*
Me : Uh, ooookay. *passes him a ciggie.*
Random : What is you name, girl ?
Me : Whats it to you ?
Random : Oh very nice nama. What is you ?
Me : Do i look like a freakin fish to you ?
Random : No, i mean you race.
Me : Serani.
Random : *looks like hes made a big discovery* OH PETANI ! *does that paddyfield actionthingiemajigie.*
Chello : *stares blankly* Gosh, worst pickup line ever.
Me : *shrugs, jumps off wall*

//

*was talking to daddy about the exprinciple. and mummy.*

Me : Ugh, i hate the two of them. Constantly conspiring against me, bullfreakinshit man.
Daddy : Oi, watch what you say, idiot.
Me : Well, im sor-ry. Stupid fat cunt of a headmistress. I hope she gets struck my thunder.
Daddy : *20minslater* Dada, how can you get struck by thunder ?
Manda : Oh shit. Shuttup. Whos side are you on anyway ?

I take pride in the fact that i may not be hotter than you, i am better looking.
suck that. (:
sick and tired of your flakiness.